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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want cut my brother and his family out of our lives

69 replies

goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 11:44

This is going to be fairly long to avoid drop feeding so appolgies in advance.

Over the weekend I had my nephew over to play. He is 7, the same age as my eldest DC. He is an only child and whilst he can be absolutely lovely, he hates not having all the attention for himself at times and my DC's always have to do what he wants. Saturday appeared to be one of those days. He was very boisterous and was acting silly, swearing and being aggresive towards my two DC's to get their attention. My DC's were trying to play nicely on the trampoline (which they have just gotten) and were trying in vain to get him to join in, he very obviously wasn't in the mood for this.

After the 5th time of being called by my DC's, I explained to DN that his behaviour wasn't acceptable and he should apologise as we don't swear and hit in this house. I did not raise my voice and talked to him in a calm, measured tone. My mum was there and commented that she didn't know how I didn't lose my temper with him. However DN went mental and started shouting at me that I can't tell him what to do and that I'm a stupid cow with a stupid funny face (I have a slight facial paralysis). I was really shocked and upset and calmly told him this and that I was going inside to calm down as I was angry.

Everything calmed down and my DN left in what I thought was good spirits. Later that evening I received a phone call from my brother shouting and swearing at me saying how dare I discipline his son and that I humiliated him in front of everyone. His son is heartbroken and crying his eyes out because I was nasty and shouted and screamed at him! WTAF?! He then said that he was putting DN on the phone so I could apologise to him. At that I put the phone down. He has been ringing back and leaving nasty texts since then.

My mum has now got involved and has told me to apologise just to keep the peace as she hates conflict, even though she concedes that I didn't do anything wrong and handled things better than she would have. My brother and SIL are very bullying and domineering and this time I have decided to dig my heels in as I am sick of their behaviour which is obviously rubbing off on their son. My mum is now in the sulks with me. What should I do?

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 12:30

I wonder where your nephew gets it from - 'my brother shouting and swearing at me.'

I'd stick with staying calm and firm, just like you did with your nephew. I'd also point out to your DB that his child behaved exactly the same way he did towards you, and that you won't accept that from anyone.

Eglu · 11/06/2012 12:31

It does seem from your Brothers comments that you are fighting a losing battle. I can't believe your DM is asking you to apologise after she witnessed the whole thing.

I would most definitely stand firm and tell them that it is you who deserved the apology and not to contact you until they are both ready to do that.

Your DB and SIL are raising a child who will end up with very few friends.

Willabywallaby · 11/06/2012 12:32

Your house your rules.

Flyonthewindscreen · 11/06/2012 12:36

Swearing rude aggressive 7 year old, why would you want someone like that around your DC? If you get past this incident for which you certainly should not be apologising for, I would be working towards an occasional contact only at big family occasions scenario and that only for your DM's sake.

Jenny70 · 11/06/2012 12:36

Just because you have the same parents, doesn't mean your brother is someone you want in your life. It sounds to me like he doesn't respect you (who would say that about their sister?) and will cause unending problems for you and your kids.

I would send him a text/email to say that nephew's behaviour was rude and unacceptable. You would expect family to be supportive, not abusive. If he can't see that DN was in the wrong, then he (and nephew) won't be welcome in your house.

Kytti · 11/06/2012 12:38

I feel so sorry for you, as my brother and SIL fell out with us after I complained they didn't visit my ds1 on his birthday. This was after I was expected to turn up at their house every birthday and Christmas for all four of their children, complete with expensive gift. I did this for 13 years. Then I had children and suddenly they couldn't afford to buy gifts, and even couldn't fit in time for a 'phone call. (They live less than 5 mins walk away.) I put up with all this crap, and tried to sort it out, but I've come to realise it's actually probably for the best.

Be very careful though, it's not easy to do, and leaves a bit of a shadow, BUT I feel that I no longer have to worry about this or that with them any more. It is hard to explain it to the children.

Having said all that, in my case I think SIL had long been looking for a reason to 'fall out' with me. I handed it to her on a plate. I dared to criticise them and was cut off like a diseased limb. In the long run though; it will be such a weight off your mind. It's sad, but perhaps it has to be done. ? Only you know the answer.

YANBU

runningforthebusinheels · 11/06/2012 12:54

YANBU. Don't apologise - tell your mum that you won't apologise just to keep the peace. It is you that is owed an apology.

I can't actually believe that anyone would think it ok for 7yr old to swear and call his Aunt names - then to be told by his father that he is owed an apology! No No No! This is how bullies are born and raised - and I would think your dn would be a terrible influence on your own children if this is how he behaves.

I bet all his teachers love him Hmm

AKE2012 · 11/06/2012 12:55

I would not apologize. I had my nephew visiting over the weekend and if he did something wrong then he got told off just like my child would. My BIL is quite quick to blame my child if my chid and nephew are fighting.

It is hard cutting off family members. Iv done it. My sibling and i stopped speaking wen my child was born. seven years on we are only jus on speaking terms (saying hello the odd time we see each other in the pssing

What you could do is only see them at family events. Dont have them over to your house. But dont bitch to your mum about him jus pretend that he doesnt exist. Be dignified about it.

You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 12:59

Thanks for all your replies. I just feel so sad about all of this. The part that I feel saddest about is that he didn't always used to be like this. He used to be a lovely calm and gentle person but he had a breakdown in his twenties and has never been the same since. He then married sil, who is quite an aggressive person with a huge sense of entitlement and has become progressively worse.

I have sent a text saying that there are two sides of the story and since he wouldn't let me give my side and took the word of a seven yr old then he is not in possession of all the facts. I also said that I was too angry to talk to him and want to be left alone to calm down.

When I have calmed down I will compose an email giving my side of the story.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/06/2012 13:03

I think I wouldn´t have put the phone down knowing that the child was coming on.

But I wouldn´t have been apologising to them-rather expecting them to apologise to me.

Your mum should keep out of it-although I´m guessing that your brother is bullying her into getting you to apologise.

Ignore your mum until she stops sulking & then refuse to discuss it with her.

Ignore brother & SIL forever

Original poster
goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 13:06

I have also told my mum I will not be backing down as his behaviour was appalling and I am not letting him think he can get away with treating me like this. I have said that that is the end of it and won't be discussing it further with her as I'm far too angry and upset. She seems a lot less frosty so I think she has accepted I'm not backing down.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 11/06/2012 13:06

They both sound hideous. No wonder their child is rude.
I would severely limit contact with them and probably would avoid them as much as possible.
Your mum has no right to try and make you apologise - that's why they keep doing it, because they assume they're in the right all the time.

Original poster
goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 13:10

diddl I probably shouldn't have put the phone down but I was so incandescent with rage by that point that I knew I would be at risk of saying something I regretted and didn't trust myself tbh. surely that was better than saying something that probably would have upset DN?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/06/2012 13:12

I wouldn't bother contacting him again. I really wouldn't. And I'd tell my mother there's no way I'm apologising for something I didn't do.

TBH I wouldn't want this nephew around my kids or my brother, either.

ReportMeNow · 11/06/2012 13:13

Agree with Jenny.

I would email saying his son was told off in a measured way, given the extent of his misdeeds. You understand that all children progress socially at different rates, but hitting others and swearing and rudeness to an adult is never acceptable. It takes a village to raise a child and if his attitude is that no one reprimands his son when he is badly behaved then you are concerned that is setting his son up for future problems. But of more concern is his own blind defence of bad behaviour and his frankly astonishing insistence on an apology! Mother, who witnessed everything, said I had been very calm in dealing with X, but wants me to apologise as she hates conflict. However, I don't believe in appeasing bullies who shout, posture and leave unpleasant voicemail messages. You don't believe anything can be gained from a relationship with him and your are ceasing all contact with him forthwith.

expatinscotland · 11/06/2012 13:13

Oh, I'd have put the phone down the second my brother started swearing at me. And I'd also warn him to stop ringing me and leaving me abusive texts.

I'd go to the police with that and be done with it.

expatinscotland · 11/06/2012 13:14

No more emails with 'your side' or that. Just adds fuel to his fire.

ivykaty44 · 11/06/2012 13:15

a stupid cow - that is a horrid comment and just because he is only a child doesn't mean he should be allowed to say such a thing

TBH though your brother and SIl are not going to change - face facts they are going to bring more and more hassle and unpleasantness into your lives and for what? No one needs bullys and nastiness in their lives.

So sadly I would say when dealing with your brother - count to ten and say no invitation and now to invitation. Don't mix with them at special occasions birthdays and xmas - spend time with your own family.

And don't say sorry to a bully for telling them to stop - it is wrong and your dn is a bully

TheHappyHissy · 11/06/2012 13:33

Yep, don't bother to try to explain your position, people like your DB won't listen anyway. Lost cause.

Hold out for an apology BOTH from your Brother and his son, or cut contact.

Bletchley · 11/06/2012 13:38

I think putting the phone down was the right (indeed the only) thing to do in those circumstances

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 11/06/2012 14:11

Oh dear. I sympathise. I had a couple of MASSIVE rows with my sister when our children were much younger, over very similar kinds of things. Her kids are lovely now they are all grown up, but they were hideous, rude, unruly, and poorly disciplined as young children and it caused a ton of grief.

I think you should refuse to speak to your brother on the phone again just yet. Sit down and calmly write him an email outlining everything his son did and said - be very factual and specific, and resist the urge to rant about what a brat he is - it will just make them more defensive.

Just say the following or something similar:

I assure you this not the first time he has behaved like this towards me and my children and I am not prepared to let it go unchallenged any longer - especially not in my own home. It sets a poor example to my children.

I cannot be seen to ignore or tolerate swearing and hitting from your child, when I will not tolerate it from my own. It is not fair to expect my children to put up with this either.

I will not apologise to him because I have done nothing to apologise for.

I am disappointed that you have chosen to react this way without hearing my side of the story, and whilst I do not expect our mother to want to get involved or to take sides now I can assure you that at the time she was very much of the opinion that I my reaction was actaully quite restrained, all things considered.

If you are unable to accept any of this then that's your perogative of course, but I would have to ask that DN no longer spends time at my house until he demonstrates that has grown out of this phase. That way, when we spend time with him in future, if his behaviour or way of speaking to me or my children is unacceptable then we are free to leave. What a shame it should come to this.

ellenjames · 11/06/2012 14:26

doesn't sound like a nice man your brother, i wouldnt hesitate to cut contact x

sugarice · 11/06/2012 14:28

You don't need to offer an apology to either your brother or nephew. Sorry but they both sound awful and your kids sound lovely. Your nephew needs to realise that his actions have consequences and he won't be playing with his cousins any time soon due to his awful behaviour.

helenthemadex · 11/06/2012 14:43

they both sound vile your text said exactly the right thing

Mother2many · 11/06/2012 15:55

Your house...your rules... You didn't over react. Stand your ground.... I imagine it's hard on your own children, to be around that too....