in my expectations of family interaction?

[mamamiaow]

I used to like my parents in law when i saw them 2 or 3 times a year, but
since the birth of my 2 year old, we see them MUCH more regularly: first
year on average every 5 weeks. They live 5 hours away, so have to come and stay. I've told my husband that I find his family overbearing, that 2 or 3 nights is enough with them, but he just ignores me.

Every time my MIL comes and stays, it "breaks her heart to say goodbye", which results in my husband telling her she can come and stay as often and as long as she likes. (Hence the reason why I told him 2 or 3 nights is
enough).

Their 3 night stays have now become 4 nights - see what I mean
about being ignored?! They say they'll come up on a Friday but then decide
the week before that the Thu would be better - never "is it ok if we come a
day earlier", just that it will be so. She thinks it would be good to get a
key cut, which I have resisted with a passion.

I am not particularly close to my parents and I don't spend this amount of
time with them, so why would I do it with his? But when I think like that I
reckon I am a bit weird, and that I should compromise.

My MIL has other grandchildren, but has no 'competition' because there are no other grandparents. From the start she has been rather obsessive. "When were your parents last here?" "How often do they come to visit?" "We are grandma and granddad, what will yours be known as?". This last question is asked every time we see them, which I find a bit odd - my parents are known as granny and papa - who cares? but she even said the last time "It's good there's a distinction!"... WTF?

If she spots a new photo, a copy must be sent to her. She insists on skyping every week. She can't go on a 2 week holiday because ?she'd miss her grandchildren too much?.

She is a brilliant grandmother - loving, instinctive, interactive. She is used to living in the same town as her grandchildren and probably knowing everything about them and I realise this is a different situation for her, but it's also a very different lifestyle for all of us and I don't want them knowing everything about my life.

Now my sister in law (who is even more domineering than the MIL eg. gave my baby chocolate at 7 months even though she'd asked and been told not to. When I challenged her she said it was a tiny bit!!), anyway she wants to come and stay with her family for a week. I don't want to fall out with OH but the thought of a week with them makes me feel queasy and I'm worried that this will set a marker for all of them to extend their future stays. We do not have a massive house, them coming to stay involves one child sleeping on our bedroom floor and I work 30 hours a week.

My husband will not discuss anything with me - he avoids any confrontation,
eg didn't challenge his sis about the choc even though he'd said no as well. To please his mother, he invited them all for Xmas without any prior discussion and then said "he didn't think".

I am really building up a deep resentment towards everyone particularly my OH who I see as being totally unsupportive of my point of view. It is making me miserable. When they are here I stay in my room longer than usual, go out for drinks, say I'm tired and go to bed early... anything to avoid them. We get a constant stream of friends and family visiting (mainly his as they
live further away). I like seeing people but I also like my own space. I have begun to invite more of my friends to stay, in the hope of pissing off my husband so he sees things from my point of view!

I am actually quite an assertive person - though you'd
never think it from this story, but I feel totally overwhelmed in this
situation. I realise life changes with a child, so I don't know whether I
am being unreasonable and should just grin and bear it. My husband
obviously feels guilty, his mother is obsessive about family and has
instilled this in him, and her life revolves around her grandkids, which I didn't actually notice before. He is very loyal and would never be derogatory about his family in any way.

The thought of going on like this for the rest of my life is just depressing. I feel like the nanny/chambermaid. My baby is going to start noticing my resentment which would be awful.

Obviously this is 2 years of frustration poured out in one huge rant. Sometimes I think we?d be better splitting up and just split the access. I feel like I've supplied this child and my opinion/perspective doesn't actually count any more.

Am I being unreasonable - is this what having a child is all about? Should I count my blessings - my child has a loving and supportive family when some do not. Is is me just being selfish? I need some perspective.

No advice but YANBU, I couldn't be doing with that it would drive me up the wall.

What I would give for my children to having loving grandparents who want to spend time with them. I feel so hurt for my kids from the bottom of my heart that they have grandparents on both sides who dont give a crap.
YABU.

They are intrusive on your life and your DP is a wimpy arse.

You might have to just put your foot down and say 'no'. Get a calendar out and circle the 2 days every few months when they will be welcome and tell them that you are too busy for guests every few weeks.

They will just keep doing this until you get so wound up that you snap and it causes a family argument.

Whether your oh likes a confrontation or not he is going to have to speak to you about this, and sort out something so you don't go around getting depressed and think about divorcing him.
YANBU as the situation is clearly not working for you. OH AND his family need to respect this.

Angel, this isn't about you though, it's about the OP and some family who keep imposing and making her feel crap.

OP, start making plans for Christmas now.

"I feel like the nanny/chambermaid"

what makes you feel like this? Do you mean that you are left with the bulk of the preparations and childcare?

Do you think there is any way you can do less of this and make your DH see how much effort is involved when these visits happen?

RE the post from Angel. I would love for my dad to still be alive to see his grandson but I still wouldn't like it if he was as much of a pain as your in-laws seem to be. I really don't think this 'be grateful there are grandparents' crap is helpful in situations like this, You (OP) are clearly grateful that your kids have grandparents but they are rightly pissing you off with the amount of time they spend with you.

When you say 'they decide' to come up on Thursday, do you get the opportunity to speak to them or does this come through your DH? Maybe you could summon up courage to ring them back and say 'sorry, not convenient - please come on Friday instead'?

This sounds very difficult. I agree with DuelingFanjo - I think you may have to pluck up the courage to stand up for yourself if your husband won't. That said, you really do need to start talking to your husband about it otherwise the resentment is just going to build. I suspect he doesn't really realise how unhappy you are about this.

I don't blame you btw. In laws are exhausting. I even find this with my own family. Both our sets live hours away so they tend to stay for 4-5 nights, which is really tiring.

I think you have to sit down with your DH and lay things down properly. You could also show him this thread?

One thing that's sticking out is that your DH seems to get the benefit of dealing with his family without apparently any of the inconvenience that the rest of the family face. Make it clear that you're not doing any of the extra cooking and housework that these visits require - don't do it if he won't. If this seems difficult you could go for a weekend away for the first one, so you're not there to cope with the consequences.

Also, it seems unfair that one of your DC sleep on the floor - could he get turfed out of bed instead as he's instigating (or at least, not objecting to) the visits.

I have to agree with DuellingFanjo - the kind of post that Angel has provided seems to completely disregard the feelings of the OP. I wish my dad lived closer so he could spend more time with DD but if he was a complete pain in the arse, I would not want him closer. The 'be grateful that someone is around to piss you off completely' argument drives me insane and seeks to dismiss the frustration of the OP.

Just wrote a long post which was wiped argh!

Essence of it was:

• visits every 5 weeks not really that much - in laws and parents see dd (18mo) every two weeks and skype at least once a week!

• relationships do change when you have a baby, got on v well with in laws pre dd then they became obsessed with her at the expense of our relationship, pleased dd is loved but we don't really chat about anything other than dd now; Visits for 1st 8 months post dd would leave me in tears - combination of hormones, over bearing mil and me being protective of dd - now i pick my battles;

*OH needs to stand up for you. The length of stays is too long for you to host when you have a baby to look after! Do they help out when they're there?

• If OH does nothing - next time they come I'd go for a girl weekend at the spa and leave them all to it!

*Next time she says weird things just say "why is that?" or "interesting, what makes you say that"?

Good luck! It does get better (well it did for me)...

The problem is with your DH not working in tandem with you.

If he won't say no to them, you are perfectly at liberty to ring them yourself- "No SIL, a week on that date isn't possible but 2 nights at x time would work for us".

"No MIL , Thursday doesn't work for us, let's leave it as Friday evening until Sunday Morning".

" Not this weekend, work is too busy for me at the moment".

Why do you feel like the chambermaid? Your DH can at least help with any preparations.

Yes, if your DH just goes along with stuff, you should take the lead. Ultimately, you do need to tackle him about it, but in the meantime, making a few unilateral decisions will probably make you feel more in control of the situation.

Would your PILs be amenable to staying in a hotel/B&B? That would take some of the stress away from you.

It doesn't matter what other people do or say, YOU don't like this arrangement, I don't blame you.

You have to get your H to see how much this is affecting you. There has to be some compromise.

I personally cannot put up with anyone staying in my house for longer than 2/3 nights. That includes people I really like. The fact you also work and seem to be running around everyone is awful.

So I would tell DH you don't mind them coming every x weeks/months but they can only stay for 2/3 nights.

Everyone has to help out and do their fair share of the extra work this creates.

Just ignore your MIL when she says stupid things. Like someone else suggested, just have a few answers ready then change the subject/walk away.

Your DH should want you to be happy with the arrangement and if he won't accept there needs to be compromise, I think I would be inclined to "go on strike" next time they visit. Do no shopping/bed making/cooking etc. Just let DH do it all, for the whole visit.

Also plan for yourself to escape while they are there. You don;t all have to be around each other fo rthe whole time.

Poor you - it would drive me mad.

Agree, you are going to have to spell it out to your DH (could you let him read this thread?) and then set limits on numbers and lengths of visits - and get DH to do all the preparation and hostessing.

Get up early when they visit, and take you and the kids away for the day.

"This last question is asked every time we see them, which I find a bit odd"

by the way - when she asks next time perhaps you could just say 'I am sure I told you this before, didn't I, did you forget already?'.

Regarding the visits OP, i understand your frustration. It drive me potty when people stay too long.

For me, I would start making arrangments when they are coming so that you are most definitely unavailable on the Thursday. So when they say they'll be coming earlier, you just say 'oh sorry, we're busy, we shall loook forward to seeing you on Friday.'

When they try to make a weekend arrangment that feels too soon, simply make other arrangements. 'Oh sorry, we'll have to leave it that weekend.'

As for photos, simply don't do it. If your DH wants to make copies then that's his business. If it's left to you, then you simply become too busy.

Just to warn you, you will get a lot of responses from people on here along the lines of 'you should be grateful your children have grandparents who care' or 'my children's grandparents are dead so you should think yourself lucky' etc.

I do understand that it must be hard for some people who have sadly lost their parents/ children's grandparents to hear people complaining about them on MN but I personally feel that this doesn't automatically mean that no one is allowed to complain or be frustrated.

I have had a difficult relationship with my PILs previously. Like you, I felt that my 'role' diminished as soon as I had provided the much wanted grandchild and nothing I said/ thought/ did mattered any more. This was exacerbated by the fact that my DS was born very prematurely so they monopolised his time in SCBU with visits (only 2 people allowed per cot, so I was often left sat in the parents room when I should have been with my son).

I think the only way you will start to feel better about the situation is if you get a bit of control back. This might be as simple as sticking to dates which suit YOU for their visits, or arranging things for you to do with your friends whilst they are up. Your DH should be more than capable of entertaining them himself and they will be far more bothered about seeing their GC than you.

You and your DH need to present a united front, which means discussing things and agreeing terms before presenting them to MIL. If he won't do that, you need to keep at it until he does, but in the meantime make it clear to him that you will not take on all the extra organising/cleaning etc that having guests involves. And I agree that you are perfectly within your rights in the meantime to go against your DH and speak to MIL and SIL to reiterate what arrangements YOU want.

Your dh is inviting his family to stay (or at least allowing them to invite themselves) against your wishes, and expecting you to shop, cook, clear up after and entertain them, have I got that right?

You need to make it crystal clear to him that if they visit he will be taking that role. Make sure you stick to it and see how knackered he is by the end of 3/4 days. It won't be long before he 'thinks' to make more sensible and considerate arrangements.

It really does bug me when someone posts about a very real problem and then someone says something along the line of 'be grateful - I'd love to have your problem'. No you wouldn't - it would drive you bat shit crazy, the same as it is for the OP.

OP, for me, being ignored by my husband would be enough for me to consider leaving. I would sit him down and tell him you are close to breaking point and that he must listen to you and respect your own wishes in your own home. He is your husband first and foremost - time to start acting like it.

I would also take the advice above and start speaking directly to sil and mil and making my own voice heard. Hard to insist on him sticking up for your wishes, if you wont do it for yourself too.

YANBU

It would drive me crazy - having houseguests for so much of the time. Plus it isn't as if you are available to prepare/look after/clean up afterwards if you are working out of the house almost full time too.

You are doing admirably, in coping with it for so long. sounds like your DH needs to be firmer with his DPs and lay down the law a bit. It has to come from him or else.. well, they will just blame the DIL (you).

Do they even have to stay in your house? I would find details of local hotels/b&bs. I hate having anyone in my space for longer than an afternoon!

To please his mother, he invited them all for Xmas without any prior discussion and then said "he didn't think"

When he invited them for Christmas, what did he actually do to prepare for this? Did he plan for all the meals, shop for them and cook them. Did he serve up Christmas dinner with all the trimmings?

If not, who did? Because if you provided for them all then you are partly to blame for allowing him to treat you like this.

It's really easy to say "I'll cook for us but if you want to invite guests then you will have to do it because I'm not prepared to do that".

YANBU - the problem lies mainly with your husband but your MIL plays a large part as well.

I'd love to be closer to my ILs so they could see more of their granddaughters but visits and certainly overnight stays need to be negotiated, not arranged with no regard for what you want.

I think your options are:

1. Book them into a B&B.

1. Book yourself into a B&B and leave them to it with your DH.

OP I feel your pain. I had the inlaws here last week from Saturday-Saturday. Since we had the DTs 7 months ago this is their 8th visit, each at least 5 days, longest was 10 days. The thing I hate most is when FIL has to go back home due to another commitment, but MIL stays longer on her own as she likes to think I need her help, that is painful as I feel wrong leaving her out so she ends up coming to playgroups, coffee dates etc.

Actually this last trip I made the most of it and let them do as much babysitting as they wanted. I got my highlights done, nails done, went to a cookery course (which I have had a gift voucher for nearly a year!), had a lie in a couple of times, let them do bath time etc. It worked really well, I hardly saw them .

I think if you live far away from your family (we're about 4 hours by train) you just have to accept that they will need to stay over. If you were nearer they'd just pop round once a week. But I agree a week is too long, 3-4 nights is much more acceptable. Your DH needs to listen to you and speak to his parents.