in my expectations of family interaction?

[mamamiaow]

I used to like my parents in law when i saw them 2 or 3 times a year, but
since the birth of my 2 year old, we see them MUCH more regularly: first
year on average every 5 weeks. They live 5 hours away, so have to come and stay. I've told my husband that I find his family overbearing, that 2 or 3 nights is enough with them, but he just ignores me.

Every time my MIL comes and stays, it "breaks her heart to say goodbye", which results in my husband telling her she can come and stay as often and as long as she likes. (Hence the reason why I told him 2 or 3 nights is
enough).

Their 3 night stays have now become 4 nights - see what I mean
about being ignored?! They say they'll come up on a Friday but then decide
the week before that the Thu would be better - never "is it ok if we come a
day earlier", just that it will be so. She thinks it would be good to get a
key cut, which I have resisted with a passion.

I am not particularly close to my parents and I don't spend this amount of
time with them, so why would I do it with his? But when I think like that I
reckon I am a bit weird, and that I should compromise.

My MIL has other grandchildren, but has no 'competition' because there are no other grandparents. From the start she has been rather obsessive. "When were your parents last here?" "How often do they come to visit?" "We are grandma and granddad, what will yours be known as?". This last question is asked every time we see them, which I find a bit odd - my parents are known as granny and papa - who cares? but she even said the last time "It's good there's a distinction!"... WTF?

If she spots a new photo, a copy must be sent to her. She insists on skyping every week. She can't go on a 2 week holiday because ?she'd miss her grandchildren too much?.

She is a brilliant grandmother - loving, instinctive, interactive. She is used to living in the same town as her grandchildren and probably knowing everything about them and I realise this is a different situation for her, but it's also a very different lifestyle for all of us and I don't want them knowing everything about my life.

Now my sister in law (who is even more domineering than the MIL eg. gave my baby chocolate at 7 months even though she'd asked and been told not to. When I challenged her she said it was a tiny bit!!), anyway she wants to come and stay with her family for a week. I don't want to fall out with OH but the thought of a week with them makes me feel queasy and I'm worried that this will set a marker for all of them to extend their future stays. We do not have a massive house, them coming to stay involves one child sleeping on our bedroom floor and I work 30 hours a week.

My husband will not discuss anything with me - he avoids any confrontation,
eg didn't challenge his sis about the choc even though he'd said no as well. To please his mother, he invited them all for Xmas without any prior discussion and then said "he didn't think".

I am really building up a deep resentment towards everyone particularly my OH who I see as being totally unsupportive of my point of view. It is making me miserable. When they are here I stay in my room longer than usual, go out for drinks, say I'm tired and go to bed early... anything to avoid them. We get a constant stream of friends and family visiting (mainly his as they
live further away). I like seeing people but I also like my own space. I have begun to invite more of my friends to stay, in the hope of pissing off my husband so he sees things from my point of view!

I am actually quite an assertive person - though you'd
never think it from this story, but I feel totally overwhelmed in this
situation. I realise life changes with a child, so I don't know whether I
am being unreasonable and should just grin and bear it. My husband
obviously feels guilty, his mother is obsessive about family and has
instilled this in him, and her life revolves around her grandkids, which I didn't actually notice before. He is very loyal and would never be derogatory about his family in any way.

The thought of going on like this for the rest of my life is just depressing. I feel like the nanny/chambermaid. My baby is going to start noticing my resentment which would be awful.

Obviously this is 2 years of frustration poured out in one huge rant. Sometimes I think we?d be better splitting up and just split the access. I feel like I've supplied this child and my opinion/perspective doesn't actually count any more.

Am I being unreasonable - is this what having a child is all about? Should I count my blessings - my child has a loving and supportive family when some do not. Is is me just being selfish? I need some perspective.

Oh and your SIL needs to book a hotel, I don't allow anyone with DCs to stay more than 1 night, I have enough mess to deal with thanks!

I suspect that if nobody has ever set down an agreed framework for visiting, your MIL may be blissfully unaware that you are feeling so oppressed. You say that she sees her other grandchildren constantly because they live in the same town and it may be that this is a pattern she's come to expect.

I'm a bit about her refusal to go on holiday because she'd miss her grandchildren too much - I miss my dgd when I don't see her but it'd never occur to me not to take holidays, and my ds2 and ddil would think I was being weird in the extreme if I did.

My own former MIL was a bit of a nightmare to entertain too. Her and FIL were extremely fit and active at home but when they got to my house they turned into critical statues who sat on the sofa and made "observations". Fortunately, their visits to us (and ours to them) were restricted to school holidays and it was much easier to arrange things in advance and prepare yourself accordingly.

So I think you need to sit down with a diary and arrange when it is convenient for your PILs to stay with you and for how long. Your DH needs to understand that this is the fairest system for everyone.

This is difficult one, I know my mum found having her MIL at our house a lot quite difficult when we were little, but as children, it was wonderful to have our granny around so much, especially as she was a brilliant granny, just like your MIL.

But, I totally hear what you are saying, you are working, plus then having to entertain your IL's for days on end, numerous times a year and it's too much for you. Possible solutions are: you make decisions together (this needs to be a must, they can't just come when your DH decides, he needs to say 'I'll check with OP and we'll get back to you' and then talk it over with you); have them stay somewhere else so they are not under your feet, at least once or twice out of the numerous times; your DH could take them up to his parents; your DH helps out more with the shopping/cooking/cleaning etc; you could go away to a friends' when they visit; you agree on a slightly less demanding schedule (three days, three times a year).

I would try to phrase it as you know how much his parents love the children, and how great they are with them, and you very much want them to have a close relationship, but it's too much for you when you are working and doing so much of the entertaining, and you need a bit more of a break in the whole thing and see where it goes from there. Say you don't want to be nasty, but if it carries on that everyone keeps visiting endlessly, then you will start to put your foot down and call them yourself. This will hopefull galvanise him into supporting you and taking charge a bit more.

But, I don't think they are unreasonable in wanting to visit, and the amount doesn't seem excessive really.

ceeveebee - 8 long visits in 7 months, sounds like they have moved in!

Just a thought OP, do you think MIL will want to start coming on holiday with you?

I feel for you OP I would hate this but then again so would DH. We live a couple of hours away from my parents ? but we (and them thankfully) like to limit visits to about once a month for one overnighter and day and DH is entitled to have a weekend as well and we like to have our own family time.

This whole situation would massively wind me up and I would feel very stifled in my own home ? but I think we need more details ? does he do his fair share of the activity planning/housework in preparation? Do PILs help out when they are here ? can you and OH get away for a night and leave them to it?

I think what you need do is sort it out with him by explaining how you feel and making him listen, and then sit down TOGETHER with the PILs and plan visits in the future ? limiting them to what suits you (IS EVERY 2 MONTHS REASONABLE?)? not always what suits them. Also don?t be afraid for one of those weekends to go away and do your own thing. Good luck.

Also second the b and b/hotel suggestion, and also the suggestion that DH takes children to see them!

My husband will not discuss anything with me

This alone would drive me absolutely potty!

Why does he think that your feelings and opinions don't count? And this has been going on for 2 years?

I don't know how you've put up with it, OP, I really don't. I can see why you're at breaking point.

It's not really about the in-laws, it's about your relationship with your dh and how disrespectful and dismissive he is to you. He is playing a 'poor little me, I'm just stuck in the middle' game, but he's not. He's treating you extremely badly.

Making decisions together is not something you can opt out of in a relationship. He is ignoring your wishes and making you feel like you are to blame for having these perfectly natural concerns. This is impacting on your relationship not just with him but with your inlaws and your child and he has you questioning your own judgement.

I suspect he has learned this behaviour from his mother who is also manipulative.

Am I being unreasonable - is this what having a child is all about?

No you are not being unreasonable and no this is not what having a child is about.

"My husband will not discuss anything with me"

"To please his mother, he invited them all for Xmas without any prior discussion and then said "he didn't think". "

There's your problem. Your husband is playing innocent to get what he wants. Of course he bloody well thought! He can see the effect his family's visits are having on you, he has ears, he can hear you. It's just easier for him to pull the "I didn't think" card so that he and mummy get their own way without you knowing or being asked and so you were put in a position where you'd have been too polite to retract the invitation.

As I see it you have only one real option - to corner your husband and say that either he calls his family up right now and tells them that it's not convenient for Sil to stay or if not you will. Make it clear that if you have to do it you'll be far less polite about it than he would be and mean it. If he refuses do it! Take back control of your home, your life, your family and your happiness.

my best friend once said to me "house guests are like fish, they start to smell after two days"

YANBU at all no way that is def overkill I just about cope with 3 visits a year from either side and they do not stay with us. You will be building a Granny flat soon ...

Ah, how frustrating typed out a long reply to your posts and just lost it. Anyway, thanks all, didn't expect so many replies and most of you are saying what I wanted to hear.

Just to be clear, OH does pull his weight and is very hands on. I don't get left to do all the house stuff. I am not a total idiot!

The thing that tipped me over the edge is that I've been in contact with the SIL to arrange their visit. Long story... there is a surprise do happening, so I suggested some dates and asked her to come back to me. Heard nothing and just spotted that he's sneaked their visit onto the calendar. He's obviously waiting for a good time to mention it. I was waiting for her to come back to me to confirm dates and then was going to say 'a week is too long', so feel like I've missed my chance! When I tell her that it's too long it will filter straight back to the MIL and hopefully then they will ALL get the message.

Crux of it is communication, I know. When he does get around to mentioning the week, I'll use it as a hook to start a discussion. I am 40 years old, I'm not going to be manipulated like this. He either accepts my point of view and we come to a compromise or we go our separate ways. This may be harsh, but I think they see enough of their grandchild. They need to accept that they don't live in the same town and their relationship will be different with this one. I've had enough of being ignored and this is my life too.

The only thing I can hope is that the tories increase petrol prices - FIL is very tightfisted so am certain that's why their visits haven't been every 5 weeks this year!!

If the visit is on the calendar, why do you have to wait for him to 'get around' to mentioning it? Surely you can just say 'I've seen this on the calendar but we didn't discuss/agree anything'?

Agree with Lady, just TALK to him about it.

When you say "He either accepts my point of view and we come to a compromise or we go our separate ways". Do you mean divorce? You surely can't just sit around and wait for him to initiate the discussion when it is such a serious thing for you.

It's the incessant REGULARITY that drives one mad isn't it? My MIL lives abroad and for the first three years of DD 1's life, she came over to stay for THREE MONTHS at a time!

I had to tell DH it wasn't on that his Mum waw basically living with us for a quarter of the year.

She never said how long she was staying and that was the trouble...it was meant to be a months and then she'd change her mind and her ticket.

You have to tell DH that they need to come less regularly andd then it wouldn't be so bad...could they not EVER stay in a hotel? My inlaws sometimes do that...

I think I would be getting angry and shouting and threatening divorce unless my husband accepted that my opiniions counted as much as his. I'd tell him you aren't happy he has booked his sister in for that week and I would threaten to go away for that week. I would generally be making him see that our relationship is on the rocks unless he starts putting me before his family. I would also be going out and doing things whilst they are here, they can come or not as they see fit and refusing to menu plan or cook. he invited them, he can sort it out. i might be inclined to visit my relatives with the kids or take them camping or leave him with the kids and go off on my own for a few days.

I also think you should start telling his parents that 2 or three nights is enough. If your husband criticises this in front of you and them I would say "fine come as often as you want and stay for as long as you want and ignore my wishes totally but be prepared for us getting divorced as I am finding all this catering and being visited too much. If you want to destroy our marriage carry on"

I think once every 5 wks, assuming you never visit them, is not excessive, but it isn't upto me.
Sticking to 2 night stays should be easy: if they announce they're coming on Thurs, tell them that you've made plans and won't be convenient. If they insist, then you insist it's inconvenient. Learn to say "no" to them...
Get your DH to take the kids to their house every 5 or 6 weeks, thereby halving the number of visits to yours.
AND SPEAK TO YR DH ABOUT IT!

Thing is though, the OP shouldn't have to be without her kids every few weeks, just because her husband won't say no to his parents ever and indulges their every whim.

I think letting him take the kids to mil, is avoiding the issue and allows them to effectively write her out of her own family for significant periods of time. I think the dh's attitude and behaviour towards the OP needs to be addressed properly. Coming up with strategies to avoid the ILs, is just papering over the cracks.

The crux of this is that he doesn't listen to her and doesn't care about how she is feeling.

I totally sympathise. It's difficult when your partner's family are overwhelmingly close to each other when you aren't used to it. Personally, I hate the intrusion because my family are more aloof. Our solution is that we are in the process of moving closer to my inlaws. Not so close that they can pop over whenever they want. But a couple of hours drive, so that they can come for the day. Or for just a night. I am fortunate though in that my partner understands that I find it stifling. It must be very hard for you to not have anyone on your side with this.

They sound close and if you don't have that sort of relationship with your family it must seem too much.
A balance between you not being exhausted by the visits and your ILs and DHs family keeping close.
What would be the ideal scenario for you? Could you go to visit. Does sound as of they go to a lot of trouble, time and probably expense to see you all and help out.

YANBU. In fact, are you me?

So... Contacted SIL and told her 3 or 4 nights and she agreed. Result.

spoke to husband and his reply was that he HAD told me about their visit. No he hadn't but what do you say to that?! Either I'm going senile or he is. Just turned into a pointless argument.

Then the reply about the parents visiting was that he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I actually don't know what to do now. :-(

"You may see nothing wrong with it but I do. We need to find a compromise as I am unwilling to go on being unhappy in my own home while you ignore my unhappiness"

How oftenn and how long is ok for you OP? You need tyo compromise too maybe but ebery 5 weeks for 4 days is not ok for you - maybe every 6 weeks for 2 nights?

What you do now, is talk to your mil.
You ring her and engineer the conversation round to the next vist and you push it on a week - as you are busy and then you push it back to the following Friday.
So rather than coming to see you this Thursday for 3 nights, they come next Friday for two.

My mil was like this and to a certain extent still is. If she doesnt like what I say, she rings dh and tries to get him to agree to what she wants. Now he will say, I will have to speak to Skate, but will let you know. Previously, she would tell him what she wanted to happen and he would agree.
You need to speak to your dh when a visit from family isnt in the offing and have a calm conversation with him about your feelings.