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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do a table plan for our wedding?

81 replies

RidingHood · 11/06/2012 09:51

We're getting married next Friday and we have organised our wedding fairly quickly and as such it is quite a low budget wedding.

DH2B's parent's have kindly paid for the catering but apart from that we've not really had any other help. As such we have gone for an informal buffet for 150 at the reception.

Last week, DH2B's father decided it would be best to book us an MC for the wedding to take the strain away, which I agreed with and we have a meeting with him and the caterers tomorrow.

However, DH2B's parents have now suggested strongly that we should have a seating plan for the wedding so that their family and friends can all sit together near the top table.

I am reluctant to do this, as whilst their family is MC (sorry to say it) and very small and structure - I have a rather large and dysfunctional family and I wouldn't necessarily know where to seat them - more to the point I have friends whom are much closer than family and would rather have them nearer to the top table.

DH2B's family are much more likely to be fussy about who sits where, I am confident that my family and friends will just grab a chair and sit where they like.

Basically what I am trying to say, very inarticulately, is that whilst I don't want there to be chaos on the day, I don't want my guests to be interrogated on arrival and dictated to as to where to sit - the last thing I want to do would be to offend people. Also, I have pointed out to DH2B's parents that this is an informal reception with a buffet and I expect people to mingle..

I don't know what to do...any advice would be gratefully received!!

OP posts:
halcyondays · 11/06/2012 12:07

I would definitely have a table plan, it would make things a lot easier on the day.

WipsGlitter, someone should tell your sister's do that a wedding is slightly different from a BBQ. Why can't they get some more tables? If they only have blankets for half of the guests it will be really awkward.

ImaginateMum · 11/06/2012 12:15

I think you should have a seating plan. I've been on the wrong side of a no seating plan arrangement more than once.

e.g. was only immediate family member who could make it to my cousin's wedding. I am a far bit younger than all my cousins and they all live in the same town, I don't. On a caring table plan, I could have been sat with some of my cousins, or local friends my age or something. As it was, it was a free for all, and they all bundled up together. I ended up with my grandmother and all the other ancients as she was the only one who noticed I was on my own.

e.g. flew 30 hours to a friend's wedding. I was breastfeeding a ten-week-old, DH was asked to video. So neither of us could nab a seat and we ended up with total strangers not even next to each other. It would have been so much nicer and less stressful to have had somewhere, anywhere, allocated. I was wandering round with a tiny baby and no seat for a while getting quite upset (jet-lagged, tired, felt unlooked after).

We had a seating plan for our wedding. It was tough but we worked really hard to ensure people had a good time. e.g. we put out-of-towners with people they got on well with at the hen night, etc. We kept family groups near or close.

lollilou · 11/06/2012 12:26

When I got married I had a table plan and I've got to admit although it took a while to do it made life much easier and we could put family/friends together. One wedding I went to there wasn't one and myself and some friends ended up without a seat at all! I'm sure there are table plans on-line much easier than paper.

Pandemoniaa · 11/06/2012 12:27

I've been a guest at 2 weddings in the last year which took quite different approaches to seating at the reception. At the first, which was an informal buffet for about 40 people, the groom cheerily announced "Sit where you fancy!" and it worked a treat. However, they were an older couple on their second marriages and it was a jolly affair without parental expectations getting in the way. Also, the bride and groom circulated and spent time at every table.

At the weekend I was at a wedding which involved a sit-down meal for 80. There was a table plan (which I think helped the caterers too) but the bride and groom deliberately didn't have a top table, as such. We all sat at circular tables of 10 and their table was amongst us. On it were sat their respective parents and the best man and his wife and daughter. So far as I know, absolutely nobody felt left out.

Both ways of doing things worked very well but I'm sure the first wedding worked because the numbers were relatively low and it was a buffet. Without some sort of seating plan at the second wedding I suspect things could have become a tad chaotic.

So in your case, OP, and given that you've got as many as 150 guests, I'd advise having a small top table - but not necessarily one that looks like a top table - and keeping the numbers on it down. I'd also prepare a provisional seating plan but given that this is a buffet, consider saying that your guests are free to sit where they like if they wish. If you want people to mingle then encourage them by mingling yourself too.

JumpJockey · 11/06/2012 12:32

My eternally cheery MIL asked us why on earth we were doing a seating plan - "Someone might cancel. Or die."

Thanks for that. We did one anyway as it was a sit down meal, there were some couples who didn't know anyone else so we sat them with people we knew would be welcoming, and all the usual vegetarians, special diets etc that we needed the staff to know about. In the event one couple did have to cancel owing to illness, everyone just shuffled along a couple of seats. It was 3 long tables rather than small ones, which meant fewer 'Oooh we're not on table 2, do they not like us?" concerns.

AKMD · 11/06/2012 12:36

YANBU. Seating plans are really useful for sit-down meals where the food is served at the table, as it helps to manage specific dietary requirements (who needs the veggie option, gluten-free etc.), but otherwise I don't see why people need to be told where to sit. DH and I had a self-serve buffet reception and didn't bother with a seating plan other than the top table. It meant that relatives who hadn't seen eachother for ages could feel free to mix and mingle.

AKMD · 11/06/2012 12:41

Hadn?t read the other posts?

We had about 200 guests and they all managed to sort themselves out seats, get food for elderly relations etc. in record time. Probably wouldn?t have worked if there was a family feud or somesuch but our families are nice and boring like that.

PetaO · 11/06/2012 12:42

We didn't have one (my family very dysfunctional and I'm informal by nature) . We had a hog roast with buffet and not only did everyone find somewhere to sit without confusion, but people (including DH and i) could move around and talk to different people. Every wedding with a seating plan I've been to I've ended up sat with people I didn't know/like!
Dont stress, and remember that its your day, if you're worrying about thus during the reception it would be a waste.

EvenBetter · 11/06/2012 12:50

Have a 'sweetheart table' for you & your new husband and let your in laws do the seating plan since they're so keen. Win-win!

Inertia · 11/06/2012 13:57

Or set aside a table for in-laws, and then do without a top table and join everyone else in the sit-anywhere arrangements.

I don't think you can do sit - where- you- can informality and then have a top table for the BAG and other people too important to scramble for a seat.

WipsGlitter · 11/06/2012 14:02

halcyon I know. It's a nightmare, her DP is anti fuss; there's already been a lot of tension and falling out, fil wanted a sit down meal in hotel/stately home, prospective DP and family and DSiL wanted a BBQ and this is apparently the compromise, plus it's outside so if it rains we're fucked. I think they hope their "young" friends won't mind...

Original poster
RidingHood · 11/06/2012 14:10

I am so confused about this now, quick pass me that Wine

OP posts:
thaliablogs · 11/06/2012 14:15

I'm with everyone else, you definitely need some kind of plan. 150 is too many to find their own seats. But also agree a compromise version of who is sitting at what table without prescribing seats would be ok.

FWIW I spent one evening in my childhood bedroom with a bunch of names on post its and got the plan done by myself - my mum then got me to move a few people but that was it. I'd assert your authority! Didn't take me more than 2 hours and that was with putting people in precise seats, not just tables.

plantsitter · 11/06/2012 14:16

I didn't want a seating plan at our wedding but I'm so glad I was persuaded - it's much easier for things to be informal and relaxed if you've made sure there's a rigid structure before hand! :o

Also, I don't know what your families are like but I know mine would've milled about anxiously without clear instruction and that would've made me very anxious too.

Lambzig · 11/06/2012 14:17

I do think you need to allocate tables at least otherwise it will be a little chaotic. That way you dont have to decide who sits next to who, but can group people which is less work for you.

This probably wont help at all, but we allocated tables to all our guests except ourselves (bride and groom) and left spare places at each table. We didnt have a top table (too many family issues) but table hopped for each course. This worked for us as it meant that we got to sit and eat with everyone for a little while, no-one ended up feeling second division (but we kept people apart that we wanted to) and we also got to spend time with friends as well as family.

TuesdayNightClub · 11/06/2012 14:18

I would definitely do a table plan, especially for that amount of people.

Maybe it's just me but the thought of being a guest at a wedding where the seating was a 'free for all' brings me out in a cold sweat, it sounds awful.

Congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly whatever you do! Can someone help you with it so you can get it done double quick?

Inertia · 11/06/2012 14:23

Riding - I think the way to look at it is - would you be happy to have to sit without the companions you went to the wedding with, and have to supervise other people's children while ensuring the less mobile guests get food and a seat? And if not why should your guests? 150 people is a lot of people. The other point is that if you plan the seating you cam ensure that children / those with medical needs get food early, rather than having a meal accompanied by hungry crying children.

Wisps, your SIL and her DP will end up creating fuss - having too few seats is insanity. Are the bride and groom happy to sit on the floor ?

Original poster
RidingHood · 11/06/2012 14:24

I may ask MIL for some help, since she is so keen on the idea! :o

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 14:31

as a guest, no seating plan is a ball ache!
As a bride/groom, DOING a seating plan is a ball ache, but hey! you invited these people - now look after them!

"this is an informal reception with a buffet and I expect people to mingle.."
do one ESPECIALLY as it's a buffet, its enough faff going up to get the food without THEN having to wind around looking for somewhere to sit an eat it! that is not mingling! mingling happens when people are relaxed and in a chatty mood not when they have a plate of hot food that they just wanna eat before it gets cold!

no seating plan makes things LESS relaxed for guests, if you want a relaxed vibe, do a plan!

I think its bonkers to consider this when it's a buffet, if all they had to do was find somewhere to sit them be served it'ld be okay, but having to do the whole school canteen thing while balancing your plate and your kids plates..... NOOOOO don't do it!

plus with a seating plan you can seat the children/parents near the exits so they can come and go without disturbing everyone else, you can place colouring books etc on the tables where there are families, you can make people feel looked after, Elderly people don't feel stampeeded and overwhelmed and can sit with their families...

WipsGlitter · 11/06/2012 14:35

riding hood' i am hijacking you a bit - sorry!!

Yes the B&G are happy to sit on the floor - i keep being told it's "just" a BBQ. But fil is 'old school' and he won't be happy with the no table plan but the bride (who has a rocky relationship with her family) gets bolshy if he's accommodated too much. I wish I'd never offered to help out!!!!!

travelcot · 11/06/2012 14:42

Getting mil to help / take responsibility for some kind of a table plan is an excellent idea.

I know that lots of posters are coming on to say that they did without a table plan at their wedding and everyone loved it, but guests hardly going to say otherwise.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 14:46

"I know that lots of posters are coming on to say that they did without a table plan at their wedding and everyone loved it, but guests hardly going to say otherwise"

YY
I always find something genuinely nice to write to the couple about even if it was a rubbish day, even if its the flowers (and everything else was terrible!)
I never say "thank you for inviting us to share you day, you looked so happy and we LOVED the cake, however for future reference, incase either of you re-marry, here's some constructive criticism...... ) Grin

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 14:51

drowned my sorrows so much at one particularly bad one that I ended up hugging the bride saying "best wedding I've EVER been to" Blush, didn't even remember doing it till she repeatedly used it as an example of what a great job she did at planning her wedding day and how she thought it might qualify her to be a wedding planner Hmm

Original poster
RidingHood · 11/06/2012 15:17

Hahaha monkeymoma we've all been there!!

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 11/06/2012 17:54

OP, lots of good sense here.

If you have 150 guests roaming aimlessly and not knowing where to sit, you WILL get chaso and blocks of "no man's land " seating with spare guests being too shy to join a enarly full table etc.

Also, if you ahve a setaing plan, guests are not "interrogated" on arrival, they simply glance at a plan and know where to sit.

However, I would aim towards a table plan as mentioned earlier rather than a seating plan e.g

Tables 1 and 2- bride's family
Tables 3 and 4 Groom's family
Tables 5 and 6- friends

And yes, put high chairs out to save those fussy moments when one holds the bay and the other goes off to find a high chair or even finds out there aren't enough to go round etc.

Finally, don't worry about having your friends sitting near you, it's only the meal, you'll be able to spend loads of time with them later and throughout the day. If you have friends right next to and ILs at the back, you will ruffle feathers.

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