To want our only holiday this year for ourselves?

[TheHamish]

We always said we were going to holiday abroad this year but after much faffing decided we couldn't afford it and so opted for one of the Scottish islands for a week and booked a cottage, 3 bedrooms, one of which will be surplus to requirements as there is only myself, DP and DD - but we were limited as we left it so late to book.

We go next Friday and we're really looking forward to having some time out, have both been quite stressed and busy lately.

Cottage is 8 hours drive for us. My DP's genuinely lovely parents kept asking if we were going to break the journey by staying with them for a night each end of the holiday, but it would mean us zig zagging across the country so we politely declined. They are not in Scotland, so still a five hour drive away from the cottage. We see them a lot despite being there being 200 miles between us - they stayed with us two weeks ago. Sometimes they stay just a little bit too long for DP's comfort IYSWIM but they are really nice, and they worship DD and they do a lot to help us.

However, they have now decided to join us on holiday for two nights. We didn't invite them, they just decided themselves that they were going to get the ferry and come over. I was a bit "hmmmm" but DP is really cross. He has a point - it's our holiday, and if we wanted a holiday with extended family we'd have booked one. We wanted a bit of an escape and a rest but now we are going to be entertaining again when we just wanted to slob out a bit. They are very much "sit down at the dining table for a proper meal with starters and sude plates and napkins" people whereas we are looking forward to fish and chips and a beer in front of the telly. And it's not like the weather is great atm, so likelihood is that we will be spending time in the cottage rather than massive days out.

It's our only holiday this year, and they will be arriving three days before the end of our holiday and staying until the day before we go home.

He wants to say something to them, and I don't want them to be upset, but he's really not happy and it's casting a bit of a shadow over the whole thing. They shouldn't have just invited themselves.

So AWBU and selfish? I know there will be those of you who say "what harm will it do for two nights?" but that's one third of our time away, and it's OUR time. It's not as if we never see them. But I am feeling very guilty about the whole thing, as they are nice and we love them.

*side plates. Though I do like the sound of sude plates.

YANBU. If they are really lovely people, you can tell them that you want some time alone and they will understand. I would feel exactly the same but luckily have a relationship with parents and in-laws that mean this situation would never occur, they would never dream of inviting themselves along!

I would never tell someone I was going to join them on holiday. Why does this seem to be acceptable?

Tricky one - but you may just have to suffer it in the name of continued good relations. However - it IS your holiday so you need to make clear from the off that all dining regulations are suspended for the duration precisely because you are on holiday. What's the worst that can happen? Don't pander to that nonsense.
I think the damage caused by putting them off won't be worth the two days of putting up with it although I can quite see why you're pissed off.

oh that is tricky. I don't know what you can do if they have decided they will join you. How can you ask them not to come without causing offence? Being cooped up indoors and entertaining wouldn't appeal to me either if I had planned the type of relaxing break you had in mind.

Why on earth did you let them know there was a spare room?!
Incidentally do the people you're renting from know there are extra guests, sometimes they have based the price on the number in the party you've told them about.
It is odd behaviour to invite yourself and not even think you might not be welcome. What happens if you go for the chips/sofa option while they're around? I don't see why you have to (always) alter to their desires.

If they are so hung up on etiquette, they should know that it's really bad manners to invite yourself to anything.

It will spoil your holiday and put you on edge. I think you're just going to have to break it to them that it's not on.

I'm with your DP, I would be really cross and I wouldn't actually let it get to this point. Just say No thanks, we want the whole week to ourselves, and don't give them the address.

They were going to book to stay in a hotel, so they would have see

they are booking a hotel near your cottage?

You'll have to compromise a little here - Just ring and tell them you are really looking forward to some alone-time (make some uncomfortable hint about bedroom activities to really ram home the message) and offer to stay with them a day or two one side of the holiday.

YANBU. But is there any way of turning it into a positive?

Could you use the opportunity to have them watch DD for the evening and have a night out with DH?

Apologies, DD pressed send while saying "hee hee"!

They would have seen for themselves that there was a spare room so we couldn't really not mention it - hotel or staying with us, they'll still be with us all the time.

Do people really do this? This isn't the first time I've read on MN about family members inviting themselves along on someone else's holiday. I find it so odd, just can't imagine my own parents or siblings doing such a thing. It's beyond rude and you should tell them plainly that you want the holiday to yourself.

Ask them jokingly if they are stalking you as it seems so creepy.

well if they have not booked a hotel, at least it will be easier to cancel their arrangements I suppose. Do you think dh could ask them not to come without causing huge offence?

What do you think of that solution recommended below, spend a night with them on the way up or down from Scotland? Just one of your trips.

YANBU, your DP should tell them they aren't invited.

I think if DP is so cross, DP needs to have a chat with his Mum and Dad... no point leaving it to YOU to resolve.

If you BOTH feel the same way then why can't you just say, Thanks for the lovely offer, but we'd rather be on our own.

Once you have said it, all you then have to do is say, No, that doesn't work for us. over and over and over until they stop. At some point it will become RUDE for them to insist.

I think it's up to your DP to tell them they're not invited. Awkward, I know but they're his parents and they've massively overstepped the mark. Rude.

Actually, I think you have to say something in the interests of long-term good relations. If you put up with the intrusion it will annoy you for ages. it also sets a precedent which means you may fight to get another holiday to yourselves. Just say it is a nice idea but you just want some time together as a trio.

Urgh I can totally see the dilemma, and I know I would feel exactly the same in your shoes.
Oh it's horrible because there's no way of saying it without feelings being at least a little bit injured is there?

They obviously think that you will be happy to see them and want to spend time with them. If they are really lovely people then you might have to put up with it, rather than hurt their feelings by telling them not to come.

I agree with Lentilly about not putting up with any of their dining rules nonsense, though.

I would also get them to babysit, so you and dh can have some alone time - maybe book yourselves into a hotel for the night and leave dd with the ILs?

No, You are thinking about this the wrong way.

You are assuming that they would come, and see the spare bedroom...

They won't come if you tell them not to! If they don't come, they won't see the spare room...

PLUS actually if they DO insist on coming, then TBH I would insist they stay in a hotel as it's YOUR holiday and you just want to be alone in your cottage as a family.

Use phrases such as We'd rather be alone as a family this time, we're sure you will understand, after all we just had you to stay a couple of weeks ago.

If they really won't back down then you will have to say NO, we're not prepared to share the cottage, it's too intrusive.

Be prepared that you may have to be blunt.

Do they always make a habit of blundering into your lives?

igggi has made a valid point. Did you book through an agency, or directly with the owners? Either way, the booking needs to be amended to reflect the additional guests.

I'm a cottage owner, and the agency I use does not allow any guests to stay who aren't on the booking form. I think the insurance may be affected otherwise.

Some people do invite friends and family to stay while they're in my cottage, and tbh I always think it's bloody rude if they haven't asked first. (If they did, I'd give them extra bedding, towels etc. I'm not completely unreasonable.)

On a personal level, you may have to grin and bear having them around for some of your holiday. It would be awful if your good relationship was soured for the sake of a couple of nights. secretly jealous cos you've got nice inlaws

They are generally lovely, you say, so let them come.

Just tell them it'll be fish and chips and cheese toasties in front of the telly, it is YOUR call. No need to cater to someone else's expectation. I once did this with DP grandparents who is very proper and old fashioned and uses side plates, and I used their good manners in my favour. We ate fish and chips on a bench, out of paper. they actually thought it was fun ( or at least pretended to, due to their excellent manners).

they might actually like it :)

one year our IL's wanted to have their wedding anniversary party in the place we were staying for a couple of days. we weren't happy about it - much same reasons as you.

so husband said we would stop off on way up or way back and do it where they lived instead. Could you not get your husband to suggest this - ie say its very nice of them to suggest meeting up with you, but that to save them driving all that way you will drop into them on the way up? Are they still really mobile, as you could use this as an excuse eg you are planning lots of walking? or maybe the spare room is tiny?

personally i think they've got a flipping cheak inviting themselves on your holiday.

is it not likely to cause issues with your family - could you site this?