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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To post here in a blatant attempt to get more traffic? Surrogacy.

34 replies

Janoschi · 10/06/2012 22:54

Yes I know this isn't really a genuine AIBU but I need some quick, good, strong MNet advice, and the more viewpoints the better!

So. 2 very dear friends of mine are desperate for a family, to the point where they've faced financial ruin in order to go through 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF.

I'm married with a lovely DD, and we have no desire to expand our family further. I've been wanting to offer myself as a surrogate for my friends for a while but am unsure of how to raise this with my DP.

FWIW, I had a fairly standard pregnancy, just a bit of SPD and some bleeding but I was in good health and it didn't feel too tough. The birth though was traumatic and very badly handled by the hospital and this freaked out my DP big style. I seriously doubt he'd want to watch a repeat performance! I also suffered a miscarriage before DD.

So, does anyone have any ideas of how best to raise the subject of helping my friends? My DP is close to them too, by the way!

Thank you!

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 22:57

I have done this - pm me if you want to.

Original poster
Janoschi · 10/06/2012 23:00

Did you have worries about how your OH might react?

I'm nervous of starting the conversation in case I get it badly wrong and scupper the whole thing :-)

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:00

Or visit www.surrogacyuk.org/ they have a really good forum etc :)

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:02

If he doesn't support you you won't be able to do it.

TBH however you open up the discussion will not affect his reaction - his reaction will be how he feels - it may take time (for him) to think about it and I wouldn't rush him. It's MASSIVE for him.

stuffitunderthebed · 10/06/2012 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:05

There are people on the website who want to be surrogates and IP's - a lot of surrogates and IP's meet though Surrogate UK. IMO much more professional that COTS - they were diabolical.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:05

Than - doh!

QOD · 10/06/2012 23:06

I've been on the receiving end, but my surrogate was single.

Although we had our "own" surrogate we did joins C.O.T.S for the support,

www.surrogacy.org.uk/About_COTS.htm

There is an open forum. I do know of a fair few in your situation, maybe if your DP understands that it's not THAT uncommon anymore?

Good luck and keep us posted!

Original poster
Janoschi · 10/06/2012 23:08

Yes, I understand I absolutely need DPs support. It's only fair, I think Smile. Just I'm clueless as to how to begin the conversation....

However it's broached, it's going to come out of the blue for the poor guy....

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:10

Just ask him how he feels about their situation - how he would have felt if it had been you, how would he feel about using a surrogate, how would he feel if you wanted to be one etc.

Original poster
Janoschi · 10/06/2012 23:14

Ah. That's a good idea, Lettuce. Thank you.

I appreciate this is a very complex area to negotiate and there'll be a lot of tiny steps forward before any kind of decision can be made. Just really want to help our friends and want to start the conversation.

Will check out your link.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:16

I was a surrogate for someone I had known all my life - I offered to help them before I told my ex OH - he had no choice Grin he was fully supportive from the beginning though (no part of him being my ex).

LaurieFairyCake · 10/06/2012 23:19

And obviously the couple could pay for an elective caesarean so you didn't have to go through that again.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:22

They wouldn't have to pay it would be NHS - unless they particularly wanted to go private.

Krumbum · 10/06/2012 23:23

They can adopt.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:25

The adoption process is a fucking nightmare in this country and some people want to have their own biological newborn baby - its not a crime?

Grrr that annoys me so much.

Original poster
Janoschi · 10/06/2012 23:27

Strangely I'm not too worried about the birth. DD's was a mess because I was induced when I was already progressing well through labour but the midwife refused to believe me. DD shot through in 20 mins of agonising hell, smashing through my bladder. I have NO intention of being ignored a second time!

And oddly I'm not too worried about handing over the baby, as I know my friends would make fabulous parents and baby would be so so loved. I had a slow burn love when DD was born, not the sudden rush. That COULD be because I was ripped to bits but I don't think so.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:28

Am presuming it would be host rather than straight?

Xmasbaby11 · 10/06/2012 23:29

Just wanted to add my support and say how lovely it is that you are even thinking about doing it.

I would discuss the couple's situation with DH and talk through their options, ie adoption, fostering, then bring up surrogacy and mention how accepted and commonplace it is in other countries eg USA. If he is receptive, tell him it has crossed your mind to do it for them. Don't say too much - let him think about it and talk more another time. Do some research and (next time) show him a few positive articles/reports about surrogacy. Don't overwhelm him the first time you talk - just plant the seed and gauge his reaction.

It is a big, big thing and I think yo and Dh and then (if yes) your friends will need to discuss things openly in quite a bit of detail.

Good luck xxx

McHappyPants2012 · 10/06/2012 23:30

for me i could never do this, i could not carry a baby for 9 months and not bond with the baby. It would distroy me if i had to hand over 'my' baby.

but if you do go ahead with this ( with DP support) then i wish you all the luck in the world

Original poster
Janoschi · 10/06/2012 23:31

They've looked into adoption actually but they work as freelancers and therefore move around a lot. They were considered unsuitable because of this, as were we (we wanted to adopt as our first choice). They wanted at least 3 years of stability and my friends couldn't promise this. Also freelancers have wobbly income!

OP posts:
Krumbum · 10/06/2012 23:34

It is using the body of another women. It's treating women as simply vessels to carry babies and it devalues motherhood. i
If your not carrying the baby what difference does biology make it's not something we are able to detect.
Adoption is a wonderful thing that really helps people, yeah it might be a hard but that's not a reason to write it off, pregnancy itself is hard! The adoption system needs to be improved but lots of things that are worth it are hard.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:34

If its host - her egg and his sperm (meaning you have to use a fertility clinic) they will offer you counselling and go through all the legalities with you (though it's MUCH cheaper abroad somewhere like the Czech Republic).

If its straight - your egg and your friends DP's sperm - that may take more discussion with your DP and I would have legal representation - Surrogacy UK will have all the info you need though.

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:36

Krumbum - have you had experience of years of fertility problems?

sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 23:36

And I wasn't a "vessel" I was helping my friend have a family.