Not to get involved in my dd's friendship problems?

[Jinsei]

DD (7) is a popular girl, makes friends easily and generally gets on well with others. I have always been clear that she can be friends with anyone she likes, as long as she is kind towards everyone and doesn't exclude anyone. I don't know how well she manages to stick to this on a daily basis, but on the whole, I think she is pretty fair and inclusive towards everyone.

DD doesn't have a single best friend, but plays in a group of around 6 girls who are all friendly with each other. There is one child in this group who is particularly fond of dd, and often wants to play with her exclusively. This annoys dd and the rest of the group.

This has been going on for around two years now. During this time, dd has attempted to explain to the other child on several occasions that she wants to play with her but not exclusively etc etc. Typically, this results in the other child getting upset and telling the teachers that she is being left out etc.

I have always taken the view that this sort of thing will iron itself out in time, and so I haven't got involved, other than to act as a sounding board for dd when she is rehearsing what to say to this little friend, and to discuss strategies for coping with disagreements etc. However, at dd's party today, I realised how stressed dd was getting about being pulled in different directions by different friends, and she subsequently came home and cried her eyes out about it. She really wants to be friends with this particular child, but she wants to be friends with the others too.

Having observed today just how difficult dd found the whole situation at the party, I find myself wondering if I should be doing more to help. I am quite friendly with the child's mother, for example - should I have a chat with her about it? (I am concerned that this other little girl seems to be making herself quite unpopular due to her clinginess to dd, which is a shame as she is a lovely little girl). Should I encourage dd to talk to the teacher about it? Or talk to the teacher myself? Or just ignore it because girls do this sort of thing and will eventually grow out of it anyway.

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill here, and I'm well aware that girls often have this kind of issue. But this same problem has cropped up again and again over the last couple of years, and I'm conscious that I just keep telling dd to play nicely with everyone else without really understanding how this situation has been affecting her.

So, should I attempt to help dd resolve this in some way (and if so, how), or should I just leave it alone as I have done to date, and hope that it will just sort itself out over time?

Or just ignore it because girls do this sort of thing and will eventually grow out of it anyway

This ^

In my general experience, this seems to be much more of a 'girl' thing than a boy thing...and I say that as the Mother of 3 boys.

But it will work itself out.

Some kids cope well in these situations and some don't...some also love the drama of it all.

I wouldn't be surprised if they become friends for life and baffle everyone around them

As the other girl gets a bit more mature, it will sort itself out. The other girl doesn't sound very confident so may be why she makes a beeline for your dd?

Yes worra, this sort of thing does seem to be more common among girls. I really don't understand why they can't all just get along - they're all nice kids!

I don't know why she makes a beeline for dd manic. it may be a lack of confidence, but they do genuinely get on and dd enjoys playing with her. She just enjoys playing with other kids too, and this little girl seems to take this as a personal insult. :(

I'm sure you're right and it will all blow over in time. I guess when I saw how much it was upsetting dd earlier, I just felt that I'd been a bit too dismissive of the whole thing. Obviously, it's trivial stuff from an adult's perspective, but a big deal to dd. And I'm also worried that the other little girl will end up getting excluded - I don't want that to happen.

It's been going on for too long and your DD is suffering because of it. I would have a word with the teacher about it and out of school you could observe and intervene when needed.

DD3 (5) has a friend who used to do this and it came to a head at school one day when the girl kept guard and pushed away any child who came near my DD. The teacher had it sorted in no time at all.

I think i'd mention it to the teacher so she/he is aware of whats going on. If i ws close to the mum, I'd mention how much DD likes playing with all 6 girls and how she doesn't have a best friend. Don't make a big issue out of it though.

So you think I should try to tackle it all? oh gosh, I am confused now!

Situation is quite similar to what you describe - this child does sometimes try to prevent any interaction between dd and other kids. DD did try to enlist the help of her teacher last year, and it improved for a short period, but it then went back to how it was.

It's rarely an issue out of school, as they all play nicely in 1:1 situations. Today was the first time for a while that I'd seen them all en masse!

I will have a think about what, if anything, I should do. I have always made a big deal about how important it is not to hurt people's feelings etc. I don't want dd thinking that everyone's feelings matter but her own!

Thanks sky. I think the other mum may be aware that there are some issues, as I'm guessing that the child has told her about them. However, I don't know if she is aware of the clinginess - I suspect not.

If it were my child, I think I'd want to know about something like that - though I might not thank the person who told me! But I'd want to help my child develop better strategies for interacting with other kids.

This child does talk about my dd being her "best friend". From stuff that the mum has said previously, I think they realise that this may not be fully reciprocated, but again, I don't think they necessarily know about the possessiveness.

I'm with All, & think you do actually need to attempt to address it & the teacher is probably your best bet.

I'm amazed your DD has put up with it for this long tbh, she must be very caring & kind but her feelings are important (obviously) & I think it would help her to see you address it. Could you talk to her directly about what you observed at the party & suggest ways of tackling it & see what she would prefer?? She shouldn't be getting stressed over it at 7. Good luck.

Thanks ilove. Actually, it's a very good idea to ask dd whether she would like me to help her tackle it - she will then know that I am taking her feelings seriously and together we can figure out how best to take it forward.

She is a very caring little girl, and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. As I say, she actually likes this child and wants to stay friends, but she is finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the demands that her friend makes on her. As you have pointed out, she shouldn't be stressed about stuff like this at the age of 7. I feel a bit guilty for not having taken it more seriously when she has mentioned it previously. :(

Don't feel guilty as its hard & you sound like a great caring mum. Hope you get it sorted.

This could be my DD you are describing - she has said she is annoyed by this kind of behaviour and I have advised her to play with who she wants when she wants and not to feel obliged by others to choose or not choose her friends - I've told her I know it's hard.
She has to make her own choices/mistakes and all I can do is be there to pick up the pieces to tell her i love her and for her to know that when the girls all turn on her and no one wants to be her friend - as will happen, girls are just like that - to be there for her and to let her know she will always be a lovely person.
I rememeber how awful it was at this age and actually my DD copes with it a lot better than I did , she has a lot more self confidence than I did - you can't change the girls behaviour and if you get involved you may alienate parents and subsequently the children you DD wants to be friends with - so often this blows over quicker for them than it does for you. Unfortunately it's life and you have to let her go through it and lean to cope with it and just be there for her - it may however be worth mentioning it to the teacher in a general way just so he/she is aware of the undercurrents which will almost certainly affect behaviour in class.
Just let her know she is a darling beautiful and precious girl - good luck.

Please dont get involved with it, This isnt an unusual problem and sometimes they don't grow out of it just it happens with different friends IYSWIM,

dd2 is 14 and has a friend like this and it exhausts her but
I have been like you told them how to deal with it,
I see mums getting into it all and then falling out then bitching about each other, Your dd sounds as if she is a lovely fair girl but she is going to come across friends like this as she grows up all you can do is be there advise her ,

Don't talk to the Mum. Do talk to the teacher. Maybe talk to your daughter more about friendships. Does the girl have any kind of SEN?

yes talk to the teacher would be your best bet dont approach them mum IME, although i did have a mum approach me years ago when dd1 and her dd were having major problems , mum was lovely and we were mature about it, but we had spoken to the teacher too

I wouldn't speak to the mother. Can't see that ending well. A word with teacher might be helpful

Don't talk to the mother, far too easy for it to backfire. Talk to the teacher.

Also, if a child is making your DD sad, then your DD should feel able to NOT play with her. Constantly telling her to not exclude anyone maybe making your DD feel that she can't tell the other girl to leave her alone.

I tell DS that if someone is being mean and making him sad then they're not really being a friend so to just walk away from them.

This sort of thing is going on in my dd aged 7 friendship group, the teacher reguarly sends some of the girls to a support teacher to discuss the friendship problems. My dd's class teacher has told the children that year 2 does become a year when friendships change. It does sound all part of growing up. You could bring it up with the teacher I wouldn't discuss it with the other mum at all, you never know how the mum will react.

DD1 when in primary one year she was in a class of just 7 girls TBH the poor teacher was forever sorting them out the next year they split that class up and put them in a more equal class,

My DD has a friend like this too, who is just incapable of playing in a group and will only play 1:1. The problem usually arises when they are playing 1:1 in the playground and then another friend comes along, dd wants to include them and the other child doesn't... although by the sound of it my dd is a rather a thicker skinned/ less gentle and understanding little girl than yours and tells the other child periodically that she is annoying her and she won't play with her unless she lets others join in :o . Sometimes this results in the other little girl running off upset, and her mum (who is our neighbour) has been over to complain that my dd won't play with her dd , but I just shrug and say kids are like that, what can you do... I have also had to turn the child away from our door (she lives very close by) as she had a phase of turning up and hanging around our doorstep even if DD didn't want to play with her - and even if DD was out at a different friend's house she'd want to wait for her! The other child is rather thick skinned! They are usually back playing together again in a day or two...

I don't think you need to intervene by talking to other adults (not sure how even the other mother could solve it tbh) but I do think you need to make sure your dd knows its ok not to include this little girl every single moment, and that your dd is allowed to chose her friends, not just be chosen... If your DD is regularly upset about it I guess the teacher is your best option, but as your dd has approached her before it may not be a magic solution!

A hard one...

Ffs. Why does it always have to come down to special needs. Some kids like to play with one special friend others like to have lots of friends. My daughter is a one friend type of child and it is very hard because she is getting to that sort of age, where friendships are really starting to form. She could easily be the child you have written about! (shes not though) I am trying to broaden her friendship circles by doing different out of school activities and we talk often of different types of friendships, and not feeling bad if not everyone wants to play the same thing etc. I also am trying not to make a big deal about it and let them all work it out. School, and girls in general, is not easy.

This happened to my son. I took the line that things would sort themselves out or that the school would tell me if things weren't right.
I found out years later (when my son was in Y4) that the "friendship" was like something out of fatal attraction. I decided to interfere when my son told me that the other boy (S) had been telling my son that his refusal to play was making him seriously ill (cancer was mentioned!).

His teacher admitted that S used to follow my son when he went to the loo and that if my son got off his chair then S would copy etc. The teacher had been telling my son off for excluding S.

The school and I agreed that S and my son had to be separated because S's obsession with my son wasn't healthy. I told my son not to play with S exclusively but to be polite and only play if it was a group activity like football or tag. I think that you shouldn't insist that nobody is excluded. In my opinion it is perfectly ok for your daughter to say "Play with us (the group) or don't play with us at all."

S's parents were furious and felt that it was bullying for the school to insist that S leave my son alone and find others to play with.

Definitely approach the school rather than mum. The other girl may have a different spin on things and may be telling her mum another story. The teacher will be in a position to monitor and act on the clinginess like you do out of school.

I liked to play with one special friend when I was small, and although we also hung out in a larger group of girls at primary level, when I wnet to boarding school I was more clingy of my best friend and looking back I can see I just needed to feel cared for, as the school was quite brutal. As an adult I tend to still prefer to see my closest friends one on one but am quite happy in a group too. This little girl may be less confident than your dd, and may always prefer to see friends one on one, I would have a little word with the teacher, so that she can deal with it if someone looks really bothered, but not her Mum, as it could just be making her natural tendency seem like a character flaw, which isn't all that kind at 7. She may get more sociable in groups as she gets older anyway. I would suggest to dd that when the other child is upset dd says something like " I want to play with everyone now, but it is also nice when you come over to play and we have time just us, so lets enjoy playing as a group now and meet up at home sometime soon." And then make the odd playdate that will suit all children.

The ideal situation here is for the girl to find a friend of her own, who prefers one on one play, rather than group play.

DD has never been one for large-group play, or activities. Sometimes it has bothered her, mostly not. I have noticed that she usually ends up in a Peppermint Patty and Marcy situation, with her usually as Patty. This girl needs to find another Patty - perhaps the teacher can help.

My son (same age) had a friendship situation like this. Friends 1-1 outside school, but at school/in groups the other boy was clingy, horrible to DS' other friends and generally disruptive. We spoke to school and they basically tried to keep the boys apart as far as possible. I thought this was working ok, but recently the boy left DS' school - and DS is sooooo much happier. He was 'fine' before, I didn't think anything was the matter - but he is actually happy, positive, enthusiastic now. So its ended well but I wish I had got involved more strongly a lot sooner.

So I would recommend getting involved. You say 'I have always made a big deal about how important it is not to hurt people's feelings etc. I don't want dd thinking that everyone's feelings matter but her own!' and I think this is where I went wrong with DS, he is such a loyal and caring boy, I think he was getting Stockholm Syndrome!

Good luck.

When this happened with my DD it was the other mum who told me what had happened in the classroom and how the teacher had handled it.

The other mum was very sensible about it and started inviting other children to play with her DD at home after school.