Not to get involved in my dd's friendship problems?

[Jinsei]

DD (7) is a popular girl, makes friends easily and generally gets on well with others. I have always been clear that she can be friends with anyone she likes, as long as she is kind towards everyone and doesn't exclude anyone. I don't know how well she manages to stick to this on a daily basis, but on the whole, I think she is pretty fair and inclusive towards everyone.

DD doesn't have a single best friend, but plays in a group of around 6 girls who are all friendly with each other. There is one child in this group who is particularly fond of dd, and often wants to play with her exclusively. This annoys dd and the rest of the group.

This has been going on for around two years now. During this time, dd has attempted to explain to the other child on several occasions that she wants to play with her but not exclusively etc etc. Typically, this results in the other child getting upset and telling the teachers that she is being left out etc.

I have always taken the view that this sort of thing will iron itself out in time, and so I haven't got involved, other than to act as a sounding board for dd when she is rehearsing what to say to this little friend, and to discuss strategies for coping with disagreements etc. However, at dd's party today, I realised how stressed dd was getting about being pulled in different directions by different friends, and she subsequently came home and cried her eyes out about it. She really wants to be friends with this particular child, but she wants to be friends with the others too.

Having observed today just how difficult dd found the whole situation at the party, I find myself wondering if I should be doing more to help. I am quite friendly with the child's mother, for example - should I have a chat with her about it? (I am concerned that this other little girl seems to be making herself quite unpopular due to her clinginess to dd, which is a shame as she is a lovely little girl). Should I encourage dd to talk to the teacher about it? Or talk to the teacher myself? Or just ignore it because girls do this sort of thing and will eventually grow out of it anyway.

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill here, and I'm well aware that girls often have this kind of issue. But this same problem has cropped up again and again over the last couple of years, and I'm conscious that I just keep telling dd to play nicely with everyone else without really understanding how this situation has been affecting her.

So, should I attempt to help dd resolve this in some way (and if so, how), or should I just leave it alone as I have done to date, and hope that it will just sort itself out over time?

Wow, loads of really helpful responses here - thanks all! There is lots of food for thought.

Constantly telling her to not exclude anyone maybe making your DD feel that she can't tell the other girl to leave her alone.

^^ I think this is maybe where I have overstepped the mark. In trying to ensure that my dd doesn't exclude kids who might be a bit annoying, I think I may have made her feel guilty about not wanting to be constantly available for this other child on the other child's terms. God, parenting is a bloody minefield, isn't it?!

I had a chat with dd this morning, and we have agreed that I don't need to speak to the teacher at the moment. Instead, dd will tell the other child that she is welcome to play as part of the group, as long as she doesn't try to monopolise dd or exclude other friends. If, as usual, this message causes the other child to flounce and/or complain to a teacher that she is being excluded, dd is to stick to her guns and repeat the same message. DD is concerned that the teacher will misread the situation and tell her off for excluding the other child, but we have agreed that I will talk to the teacher if this situation arises. We'll see how things go.

Having read the responses on here, I don't think I will bother talking to the mum. I had thought that a friendly word might help, but as people have said, it might get taken in the wrong way and/or blown out of proportion. If the situation isn't resolved soon, I will talk to the teacher, and she can then mention it to the parent as she thinks fit.

For the time being, I'm going to focus my own response on ensuring that dd knows it's ok to find some types of behaviour annoying, and while it's never ok to exclude other kids or be nasty to them, that doesn't mean that she has to tolerate any sort of behaviour from them either.

Just for the record, there are no special needs involved as far as I'm aware. Just two little girls who prefer to play in different ways. :)

I suggested maybe SEN because girls I have known who have acted like this have had SEN, and didn't get social signals. Admittedly not getting social signals clearly enough is enough to be labeled SEN (as my daughter is) so it is a bit of a circular argument.

It wasn't an unreasonable question mummytime, and for all I know, there could be some SN in this case - whether recognised or not. However, there is nothing that I'm aware of, and I have no reason to suppose that this might be an issue. I think it's probably just a combination of immaturity and a preference for 1:1 socialising. :)