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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to facilitate Acess for our son more, aibu to think bigger off!

28 replies

washingonawednesday · 10/06/2012 20:02

Brief history- split when our son was 4 months old due to ow. I moved to live with parents 300 miles away south for support and because as a single mum I couldn't afford to live on my own in such an expensive area. 10 months later he moves an additional 100 miles away from my current location to live with ow.

They are having a baby in September (yes I can see the dates, she was pregnant before he even moved in).

Up to now he has come to visit my son eow staying in our holiday let for the first part and more recently in travel lodges as the ow has been coming with him.

He now states that he'll be coming every 3 weeks after baby is born as he can't afford it with travel and hotel bills. I appreciate this and am impressed with his commitment to seeing his son so far, but he has now made several pointed first, then arsey recently, comments that I should be facilitating this more to help him out.

I DO NOT want to travel 400 miles up north on my precious baby free weekends to make it easier for him. I do not even want to travel half way. I get 4 days off a month, soon to drop to 4 every 6 weeks. I do not have the money for petrol.

As an aside he earns £40k.

Aibu for not helping more? I've offered the holiday let to make it cheaper, but as the ow is not welcome (it's my parents let and they are still furious even though we have both moved on. I really dot know what he expects from me.

I am prepared for a flaming, but what would you do?

OP posts:
metalelephant · 10/06/2012 20:10

YANBU

You have done enough, you're actually being very helpful to him (with the holiday let) but owe him no more. He needs to sort himself out, he didn't need to move even further away, ignore his arsey pleas and remind yourself how lucky you are to be without him!

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 10/06/2012 20:19

Thanks, and that souls clearly have been 'access' and 'bugger', nevermind the typos in the text!
Stupid phone!

OP posts:
Original poster
washingonawednesday · 10/06/2012 20:20

Should! Bloody hell...Wine

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 10/06/2012 20:22

You moved and then he moved. You should meet in the middle.

aethelfleda · 10/06/2012 20:26

YANBU, I think. He chose to move, he has other needs that make travel more difficult but that's not of your doing. Were you to decide to emigrate to Qatar just to make his visits tricky, THAT might be unreasonable, but from the info you've given it just sounds like you're both getting on with it in The aftermath of a break up. If you were earning £80k and had time/resources then fair enough, but you've said you don't so I think he's trying it on a bit.

The flip side is what your DS thinks about it (and what your ex is telling him.) not easy...

Frikadellen · 10/06/2012 20:28

Go to a mediator and get it sorted so you remain somewhat friendly.

rollmeover · 10/06/2012 20:28

If he and ow could stay in the holdiay let then surely that would work out best for everyone? Your ds will be more likely to see his new sibling too and you dont have to worry about petrol/travel time etc. I understand your parents position but really if this "no OW in the holiday let" is detrimental to your life and your sons perhaps they could soften their position slightly?

AnyoneForTennis · 10/06/2012 20:28

Agree, meet in the middle. It's for your child, so why wouldn't you?

AnyoneForTennis · 10/06/2012 20:29

In a few months your child will have a sibling, so that needs considering too

JumpingThroughHoops · 10/06/2012 20:29

Whether you or your parents like the OW or not, she is the the STB mother of your childs half sibling. Your Ex and the OW come as a package deal now.

But no, I wouldnt be doing the driving on his access weekends.

anastaisia · 10/06/2012 20:30

I think YANBU.

but in the same situation I'd probably talk to my parents about the no OW condition on the holiday let. I might put it across in a sort of 'if they visit as a family we'll be facilitating DS's relationship with his half sibling and as bad as ex's behaviour has been perhaps we can do this for DS' way?

soveryhard · 10/06/2012 20:32

Sort out your parents and offer holiday let.

At the end of the day - however it's come about the baby is his brother/sister and she is the babies mum. It's in your sons interests to have good relationships with his dad and new family.

It's a difficult one - he had the affair but 800 miles a weekend is going to become impossible - how old is DS?

metalelephant · 10/06/2012 20:48

Why should the OP's parents let her ex and his new wife stay for free?? He is nothing to them, she is the reason their daughter's marriage broke down!

If they are a package they should both have enough between them to lay for it. If they can't both afford it he should come on his own.

He chose to have an affair. He chose to have a baby with her. He chose to move even further away. He wants her to join him when he visits his son.

Neither the OP nor her parents need to do anything more. He needs to pay for a hotel.

metalelephant · 10/06/2012 20:49

To pay for it, bit to Kay for it. Blush

metalelephant · 10/06/2012 20:51

Besides, these are meant to be visits for your son - not his new family's holidays!.. So what if she can't join him, more time to spend with his son.

ReportMeNow · 10/06/2012 21:09

There are no magic answers here, you have both moved geographically to where you needed to be. The answer I usually find, is what is best for dcs and try and go with that.

Your "precious baby free weekends" will disappear if your dc's father feels he can't make access, which is going to be more likely, not less, once his new baby arrives and demands on his time increase. There is a very real danger your dc is going to end up with no, or very little, of his father in his life which will be terribly sad for him.

Therefore you might want to try & persuade your parents to make the holiday let available to OW too, as it shows that you are facilitating access, and reasonably is the OW going to want to make that journey once heavily pg or with baby in tow? But it will allow the new pattern to 'bed in' and harder for your ExP to break from that if you are the one giving ground initially.

But, equally, I don't think your EX is right in asking your little dc to make a 800 mile round journey.

soveryhard · 10/06/2012 21:09

If no-one does anything this little boy will lose contact with his dad - couldn't care less about bloke - but no doubt the little boy loves him.

soveryhard · 10/06/2012 21:10

If no-one does anything this little boy will lose contact with his dad - couldn't care less about bloke - but no doubt the little boy loves him.

AnyoneForTennis · 10/06/2012 21:14

Is longer access a possibility? Is he in school yet?

Maybe a week there will be more cost effective than a weekend?

scottishhaggis · 10/06/2012 21:18

Could you meet him halfway?

anastaisia · 10/06/2012 21:19

"Why should the OP's parents let her ex and his new wife stay for free?? He is nothing to them, she is the reason their daughter's marriage broke down!"

he is the reason the marriage broke down. He broke wedding vows. He cheated. He left the relationship.

The OP's parents obviously don't have to let either of them stay - but the anger should be directed at the person who cheated surely.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 10/06/2012 21:19

More back and forth between us - he's decided that it's 'inappropriate' for him to stay in the holiday let again, with or without ow.

As when we were together, he is cutting off his nose to spite his face.

He won't stay in a cheaper b&b because of space issues (I'm sure with research he could find a good/ big one)

I want him to have a relationship with his son, I see this withering out as soon as the new baby is born to be fair

Our son is 17 months

OP posts:
thebody · 10/06/2012 21:27

I am very sorry to say this but it sounds to me like your ex is moving on with new baby and ow But feels guilty not seeing his son so is laying the ground to make out its your fault and you are stopping him

Then he can make out to himself and the world that it wasn't his fault.

No doughy aided by the ow.

ReportMeNow · 10/06/2012 21:29

Them I would suggest to him that is exactly what he is doing - walking away from his son - for whom you are very sad.

ReportMeNow · 10/06/2012 21:32

Actually nix that, as that is unlikely to get the desired result. It will be important, imo, for you to be able to say to your son that you did everything to keep the relationship between him and his father going, but it was his father that chose to step away.