To consider strike action?

[IsabelArcher]

Seriously considering telling my family - H, DS11, DDs 18/16 - that I will no longer act as their skivvy.

I am sick of having to pick up after them. They all leave everything where they finished with it, whether it's bags and shoes, fruit debris, opened and unopened post, empty packets/milk cartons, pens, scissors. So not only is the house a constant tip, we can never find anything!

I have tried reasoning, stick and carrot, pleading and they all will buck up for a couple of days but soon slide back. If I actually catch them in the process of walking away from an abandonned item, they will look sheepish and clear it without too much fuss. but it just doesn't seem to ever occur to any of them without prompting.

I work 5-6 days a week, half from home, other half a four-hour round trip away, when I leave house at dinner time and not home til around midnight.

H works normal FT hours so is actually in the house for less time but works a couple of hours fewer. So my non-work times are more traditional house-work times IYSWIM.

It's not that he doesn't do anything, does a couple of loads of washing at w/e, hoovers when really grotty. And the kids will generally muck in when requested. But it's the never-ending drip of stuff just left lying around that's 'doin my head in'

So Aibu to say I will do nothing for any of them - cooking, ironing etc - until they learn to pick up after themselves.

Isabel why did the couples counselling stop? If you never got as far as forgiving each other, how can you possibly move on. This relationship is stagnant now.

You probably feel guilty and this is affecting your ability to be assertive. Do you feel that you don't deserve a better life? That it would be your fault if the marriage failed and that your children would have to pay for your mistakes?

I think you need to forgive yourself first and work on building your own self esteem. Then take a fresh look at what you deserve for your future. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep posting if it helps x

Fairenuff, we stopped counselling because we just kept going round in circles, covering all the old arguments, without really moving forward. I think he would have continued, but it just felt we were hiding from the present by harking back to past incidents. Each time I tried to ask 'what about now?' we would inevitably end up at least three years back

I do feel guilty yes. Not sure about what though! Marrying H and having his kids ? Staying, long after I stopped being happy and subjecting th dcs to our snipey relationship? The EA?

And yes i do feel a failure :(

do you think you might feel like less of a failure if you acted on the situation and tried to move on?

accept that things aren't working, that counselling didn't fix things and that you've had enough, draw a line under it and allow yourself to be happy without your 'd'h

at the moment you're stuck in a cycle, you're not happy and you're potentially teaching your children that it's ok to act / be treated like this by your dh

you can't change what has already happened, but you can change your future :)

I do feel caught in a horrible loop, Becky, and yes I think just doing something, making a decision, would help.

But ... What to do? Neither of us deserve to lose their home, particularly, as one would probably be in little more than a studio flat. And that's assuming the other stays here, as I really don't want to disrupt the kids, even DD1 would be upset.

Living under the same roof but separately is already proving hard, as I just can't not cook or do his washing - or tidying!. It feels so petty iAd I have to do it for four others. Him cooking and eating separately would also be an awful think for the kids to witness. I don't collect his washing or do us ironing, but if its in the basket I'll stick it in.

Sorry rambling now

Isabel there is nothing wrong with living in a studio flat if you're happy there. I do believe that contentment is under-rated. If you have a home of your own which you can afford, if you can pay your bills and provide clothes, food and manage to save a little cash to get out once in a while, you can be extremely happy.

It's not ideal, it's not what you're used to but it must be far preferrable than living the way you are now. It would be a whole new life, scary but also full of opportunity. You never know what is around the corner but it would be a shame to miss out because you're hiding away through fear.

Do you feel valued at work? Do you have your own friends and hobbies. I would suggest that you spend more time building up a new life for yourself, maybe continue counselling just on your own and take some first steps to just find out what options you would have if you did decide to separate.

It's not impossible, just difficult. There are many, many mners who have been where you are now and would be happy to help and advise you. You can't buy that kind of support, it's invaluable.

If you want to stay with your dh I think you might just have to accept that this it is. Nothing will change unless you change it x

I hope I didn't give the impression that a studio was beneath me, farenuff I was thinking more about sleeping arrangements for the kids, or at least ds as Im not really around from thurs to sun am, with work.

I think I am highly thought of among colleagues, but the organisation has recently cut my fee and moved me to a department where I'm not so happy, as part of a round of cost cutting. It's also where EA took place :(

I'm a bit ashamed of answering your questions about friends and hobbies. Pretty much no to both. I used to have both but lost them in the move! Particularly as friends in old town all moved in opposite directions! Now at least a 2hr drive from any of them.

I've tried to make friends here, but working away at weekends is a real block to socialising and the couple I have had some success with now consider H the primary friend.

Sewing, knitting reading are all I do. Money and time always seem to conspire against anything I try to start. Have had to give up Spanish and singing classes for one or the other recently.

I know how pathetic I must sound, but it's one of the reasons I fear a split from H, what if I end up being just as unhappy, but lonelier as I won't have the DCs every day? Assuming they'll still want anything to do with me

No, you didn't give me that impression. But you do give me the impression that you are more afraid of changing things than you are of carrying on together, which is understandable but very sad, imo.

What if you end up being just as unhappy but lonelier? Well, what if you don't? It's a chance you take. Life's what you make it.

When the dcs are grown and gone, what will you do then? It will just be you and him. Are you really going to wait until then? That could be another ten years yet. Ten years in which you could be estabishing yourself in a new (smaller but easier to manage) home, making new friends, finding new interests, enjoying your time with your dcs instead of you all tiptoeing around your dh.

And of course they will still want to know you. Sheesh woman! I feel like I need to shake you and give you a big hug at the same time. You are worth so much more than you realise x

Thanks fairenuff. I would welcome the shake and the hug! I know I must be very frustrating to listen to, but...

I think my reasoning is that if I can't make a life for myself in my own home, without the added pressure of more money worries, or seeing the DCs, then I've got no chance of sorting it by moving out.

Which brings me back to the OP. creating a tidier house was the first step in getting to grips with what causes me to be miserable. H is among those things but not the only one. I do wish I had more friends but don't know where to find them - I have work friends but they all live a 2hr- plus train ride away. I can't commit to evening classes etc cos of my midweek work. And I have no access to the car and very little spare money when I'm not working.
Not sure how any of that will change by living by myself :(

On a brighter note, the house is much tidier thanks to Becky's box of doom. They appear to have taken me seriously :0