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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lonely and unmotivated

28 replies

sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 22:38

OH is at sea and has been since beg May - not contactable.

No one ever phones me as I think everyone thinks I'm ok :( Got engaged before OH went to sea and parents and sister haven't phoned or sent a card.

Friends phone when they need a friend and I'm always there.

Work can be isolating sometimes.

I have 3 DC and feel like a shit unmotivated parent ATM as was not invited anywhere for the jubilee weekend so did nothing (apart from taking them swimming). Friends down the road had a BBQ (was on FB) but I wasn't invited (never do as I have no partner so it's awkward).

What do I do to meet people who will remember I exist apart from when they have a crisis? :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 22:41

You need to phone your friends and let them be there for you, and tell them you're not alright! Smile

It's OK to do that, they won't think anything less of you.

It's a bummer for him to be away for so long, when will you be able to contact him again?

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 22:41

Aww that's shit...sorry Sad

Could you have your own BBQ?

Maybe invite some of your kid's friends and their parents?

squeakytoy · 09/06/2012 22:43

What do I do to meet people who will remember I exist apart from when they have a crisis

You have to be pro-active. You are on FB, so put something like "right, who fancies a night out or a girls night in at mine?" or "in need of a good day out".. let people KNOW that you want to do something.

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 22:45

He's back in Aug - hes on a submarine.

Just sick of doing nothing for the kids on the weekend apart from MN - worried am getting depressed :(

OP posts:
serin · 09/06/2012 22:45

My sister was married to a submariner for years before she said she just couldn't cope anymore and he left. She belonged to a Church and got some support from them and her family but it is a very very hard life for you (and for him).

How old are your little ones?

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 22:47

I know. I did have a load of friends over last week. It's just the weekends - am being so crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 22:49

They are my kids not his - 14, 12 and 10 and they want driving here there and everywhere atm.

Miss his kids - just feel like I am treading water till he gets back.

OP posts:
LucieMay · 09/06/2012 22:49

I couldn't be with a bloke who was away for long periods. I've existed on my own as a single parent for many years but I know that I still couldn't cope with a relationship with long periods apart.

serin · 09/06/2012 22:49

Would you consider moving up to Faslane?

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 22:51

No - kids dads are here as is my job which I love - and if I went up there I would just be lonely but in Scotland :(

OP posts:
serin · 09/06/2012 22:54

I think the difference for military wives compared to single parents is that as well as doing all the work single handed you also have all the worry for him and then missing him as well.

Is there any support organisation that could help? SSAFA?

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 22:55

It's horrible seeing the weekend laid out in front of you knowing you're going to have difficulty filling the hours and minutes in them.

Weekends are mostly seen as potentially exciting and times to enjoy, so it's doubly frustrating when you feel as though you're being cheated of that.

You're not being crap.

LucieMay · 09/06/2012 22:56

Yes you're right serin. You're fully entitled to feel how you do op. I've no advice as I've never been in your situ but I wish you all the best.

serin · 09/06/2012 22:58

Divorce the bugger while he's away and hook up with LucieMay for a few good nights out Smile

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 09/06/2012 23:11

Normally do loads - but being crap :(

OP posts:
serin · 09/06/2012 23:19

You are not being crap! I sat in a caravan in Wales in the rain, with nowhere to go and not much to entertain my 3 (similair ages to yours) save for the footage of the Jubilee on TV and a large tin of biscuits! Betyour 14yrold a least had access to her online life. Mine hate me know!

People big up the amount of fun they are having on FB, but if you really feel depressed you should visit GP.

noidea21 · 09/06/2012 23:24

I am so sorry this sounds like a horrible situation. My dh hasjust been away since fri on a stag and I am missing him so much - so I have i cant even imagine what it must be likefor you.

I generally feel my frineds are crap too - I text people - ok not that much and call them occasionally but I feel like no one ever calls me. I think for the majority of mums we are so busy with the kids friendships easily slip.

I think maybe you need be proactive and make the first move with friends to get friendships going aagin.

Flyingwithoutwings · 09/06/2012 23:30

It's bloody hard for partners left at home. My DH was in RN for 16 years and, although he was a skimmer, we often went many weeks / months without contact because of the shit phones on the ships

Luckily I wasn't housebound with kids but I have an insight into what you are going through.

I suffered with severe PND so I can relate to those feelings of loneliness and despair.

You need to lean on your friends. They ring you in times of crisis, it's time to return the favour. Make plans to meet up with someone at least very other weekend. Even if it's just going for a coffee / to the park / doing the weekly shop together. Or go to their house. It's important that you get out of your house. Make sure it's at least every other week so you always have something to look forward to.

Friendship works both ways, it's time for them to be there for you.

I recently started to do something similar, just to relieve the boredom of "no, not doing anything special, just housework".. It drives you mad!

Most importantly: take care of yourself and put yourself first. Smile

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 00:04

Thank you.

The lack if communication is so hard.

The kids dad is crap.

I am alone dealing with this :( just want a massive hug - my family are so self absorbed they never phone me.

OP posts:
avenueone · 10/06/2012 00:15

I've been a single mum since my son was born and I find having him enables me to meets lots of people but I do put myself out there.
I did have times at the start (he is 6 now) when I felt lonely and it is a horrible feeling.
Go slow and get on out there - you will feel so liberated when you do. I know I only had one but do you think you could go on holiday on your own with them? I do and I love it !! I get a bit upset when other people want to come with us now hahaha

I usually find that the more you do the more opportunities come your way.

jubilucket · 10/06/2012 00:20

My first thought was SSAFA, have you been in touch with them?

Original poster
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 00:26

No - not sure what they would do for me really. Need to get out of this glum rut I have got myself into and put myself out there.

Just feeling sorry for myself which is bad and not me.

Just weekends I am lonely like groundhog day.

OP posts:
Original poster
sensuallettuce · 10/06/2012 00:27

People have much worse things going on in there lives - I just want some adult company.

OP posts:
Thing3 · 10/06/2012 00:54

Do you currently live in a services town?

My DDad was a submariner for many years (in the navy for 32 years) and during my childhood he was away a lot! He was based in portsmouth for 4 years while we stayed in Plymouth.

I think making and then keeping friendships going is very difficult which is a shame as I think they are so important. There have been quite a few threads on here about that. Maybe we could set up a matchmaking agency for friendships :)

maddening · 10/06/2012 07:53

ime v few people phone unless they want something but if you phone they'll be more than happy to socialise - it's just everyone's lives are busy so you need to butt in - same with family.

And hold your own bbq too.

I bet you could get to see friends and family every week if you did the phoning - and once you are back in the social loop they are more likely to think of you if they have a rare spare mo.