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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have reservations about mil taking ds1 on this holiday?

50 replies

lecce · 09/06/2012 16:54

She wants to take him somewhere that is a good 3 - 4 hour drive without dh or me. He is 5.

My concerns are mainly to do with her insomnia and its impact on her in the mornings. She uses wine/vodka to help her sleep (not ridiculous amounts- I've never seen her drunk) and struggles to get going in the mornings. When ds stayed overnight with her without us for the first time (he was 3), we arrived at 10am to find sil (disabled - has mobility scooter) about to take him for a ride on her scooter. When she saw us, relief flooded her face and she exclaimed, "there you are!". Sje went on to explain how he had been asking what he could do and been a handful. There was lots of sighing and, "Oh dears!" from her and mil as we got his coat on to take him out. Btw, mil had been pressuring us to have ds over-night since he was a couple of months old. He has not stayed at hers alone since, just for no reason really, but this incident has always stuck in my mind.

Sil will be going with them. As I said, she is disabled because of MS so will not be able to help out on a practical level, though she loves ds and he her and I know she will read and chat to him on demand!

It's just that ds is a handful - not physically - he does not run off or jump on stuff or anything like that but he just talks non-stop and asks a never-ending stream of questions. He will be excited and will be even more full-on than usual, I imagine. I just think mil and sil will find him a bit much and, as I have said, both are sightly impaired, though in different ways.

Another concern is about mil's driving. She had an accident a couple of years ago in which she drifted into another lane on the motorway, so I am concerned about her driving such a long way, especially on the way back when I am sure she will be exhausted after such 3 days with ds! They will be going in sil's car but my experience is that sil only drives when she absolutely has to so mil will do most of it I expect. Actually, this is my main concern and I think I'd be ok if they were going by train.

I will admit now that I find mil over-bearing and am often baffled by her need to do things with the dc alone. I also feel she favours ds1 over ds2 but, as ds2 is still young (2.10) I accept that this may change as he gets older. I certainly don't wish she was wanting to take the two of them as I'm sure she wouldn't cope with that. Anyway, yes she annoys me but I know she loves ds and he her and I know he'll love the holiday. Dh is all for it.

Just can't shake off my concerns. AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/06/2012 16:59

There is a big difference between a 3 year old and a 5 year old though.

LindyHemming · 09/06/2012 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JellyMould · 09/06/2012 17:10

Could you have a word with sil asking her to drive? I agree with
the other poster that a 5 yo is hopefully less physically demanding.

igggi · 09/06/2012 17:13

Why can't you go with them? Are you not invited? I wouldn't agree myself, but then ds wouldn't want to either.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2012 17:15

My concerns are mainly to do with her insomnia and its impact on her in the mornings. She uses wine/vodka to help her sleep

That would do it for me.

No.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 09/06/2012 17:22

If it does not feel right to send you DS then don't. Simple as that. You could never forgive yourself if something awful happened and you had let him go begrudgingly.

lecce · 09/06/2012 17:24

Thanks for the replies.

Tbh, I don't think he is any less demanding at 5 than he was at 3. He has never been physically demanding - it's always been about the talking with him Smile. Now his questions are more difficult and he challanges replies he finds unsatisfactory. In a B&B, mil won't have the resources we have here that do keep him independently occupied for a while.

No we are not invited. She specifically wants to do this alone Hmm.

OP posts:
Lovetats · 09/06/2012 17:26

I've recently had a conversation with my 70 year old mum about her taking my kids away for a couple of days to a place five hours away. I've asked her not to drive as she hasn't driven for ages, gets very flustered easily and I would be worried sick that they'd crash - however, I didn't tell her all this! I said that it would be so much more relaxing for them all if they went on the train with a picnic and available wifi so that the time would fly by. It worked. I'm gooooood :)

There's no way I'd let anyone who frequently drinks (moderately or not) drive my kids, let alone a long distance.

Northernlurker · 09/06/2012 17:28

Her driving is dubious and she drinks herself to sleep? That's two good reason to say no! Tell her it's too far away for him to be away from you for that length of time and then suggest somewhere else, preferably somewhere you can drive him too and drop him off and also fly to the rescue if they don't cope.

lecce · 09/06/2012 17:31

It is a good idea to try and get her to go somewhere nearer. Sadly, not really an option as she has read some book and developed a bit of an obsession about this particular place. It has also has attractions that are related to one of ds's main interests. Basically, she really wants to go to this particular place.

It will be very difficult to persuade dh to speak to her about this.

OP posts:
igggi · 09/06/2012 17:32

You may have never seen her drunk as she is used to consuming a lot - the fact that she doesn't appear drunk doesn't mean she isn't drinking a lot.
The motorway thing would do it for me.
DOES your ds like the idea of being away from you by the way?

lecce · 09/06/2012 19:08

We have not mentioned it to ds in case it doesn't happen. I am almost certain he would love it.

OP posts:
FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:43

I wouldnt let her take him, too many concerns that are serious

FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:44

and if your son would love to go, you take him

jubilee10 · 09/06/2012 20:09

No. Just no.

RightBuggerforit · 09/06/2012 20:33

No! After reading your post I'm just massively confused as to why on earth you are even considering it.

lecce · 09/06/2012 20:37

Well, mainly because she is his GM and loves him and dh sees no issue with it.

Is it really that bad? I was expecting a flaming - like every other time I've posted about mil Confused?

OP posts:
lovebunny · 09/06/2012 20:41

it is that bad. your mother in law drinks and therefore cannot be a reliable childminder. your sister in law has additional needs and so is a potential drain on the grandmother's resources.

to let your son go away with these women would be irresponsible.

i am sorry. it's harsh to hear, when you know and love these people. but from an outsider's point of view, it's a clear 'no, not now, not ever'.

lecce · 09/06/2012 20:43

So are we saying that anyone who drinks can never look after children? Should they ask for your parental status when you try to buy booze?

OP posts:
redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 09/06/2012 20:43

I would say no too.

NarkedRaspberry · 09/06/2012 20:49

Three days in a B&B with a 5 year old ,for someone who has insomnia, uses alcohol to help her sleep and struggles to get going in the mornings? With the other adult having mobility issues and not being use to a 5 year old?

Nope.

NarkedRaspberry · 09/06/2012 20:51

Anyone that can't take a night off when they're looking after someone else's 5 year old I would be wary of Lecce. That suggests a dependence.

lecce · 09/06/2012 20:51

Right, I was not expecting this. Can someone advise me on how to broach this with dh - he could not see any problem at all with this Hmm.

OP posts:
Springforward · 09/06/2012 20:55

YANBU.

Jenny70 · 09/06/2012 20:56

Can they get the coach or train? Is driving the only possibility?

I wouldn't be comfortable with this, I know my parents aren't great drivers and I manage to modify situations to eliminate driving scenarios.

A bit of noise, poor diet etc for a few days wouldn't concern me - more the driving side of things.