to have reservations about mil taking ds1 on this holiday?

[lecce]

She wants to take him somewhere that is a good 3 - 4 hour drive without dh or me. He is 5.

My concerns are mainly to do with her insomnia and its impact on her in the mornings. She uses wine/vodka to help her sleep (not ridiculous amounts- I've never seen her drunk) and struggles to get going in the mornings. When ds stayed overnight with her without us for the first time (he was 3), we arrived at 10am to find sil (disabled - has mobility scooter) about to take him for a ride on her scooter. When she saw us, relief flooded her face and she exclaimed, "there you are!". Sje went on to explain how he had been asking what he could do and been a handful. There was lots of sighing and, "Oh dears!" from her and mil as we got his coat on to take him out. Btw, mil had been pressuring us to have ds over-night since he was a couple of months old. He has not stayed at hers alone since, just for no reason really, but this incident has always stuck in my mind.

Sil will be going with them. As I said, she is disabled because of MS so will not be able to help out on a practical level, though she loves ds and he her and I know she will read and chat to him on demand!

It's just that ds is a handful - not physically - he does not run off or jump on stuff or anything like that but he just talks non-stop and asks a never-ending stream of questions. He will be excited and will be even more full-on than usual, I imagine. I just think mil and sil will find him a bit much and, as I have said, both are sightly impaired, though in different ways.

Another concern is about mil's driving. She had an accident a couple of years ago in which she drifted into another lane on the motorway, so I am concerned about her driving such a long way, especially on the way back when I am sure she will be exhausted after such 3 days with ds! They will be going in sil's car but my experience is that sil only drives when she absolutely has to so mil will do most of it I expect. Actually, this is my main concern and I think I'd be ok if they were going by train.

I will admit now that I find mil over-bearing and am often baffled by her need to do things with the dc alone. I also feel she favours ds1 over ds2 but, as ds2 is still young (2.10) I accept that this may change as he gets older. I certainly don't wish she was wanting to take the two of them as I'm sure she wouldn't cope with that. Anyway, yes she annoys me but I know she loves ds and he her and I know he'll love the holiday. Dh is all for it.

Just can't shake off my concerns. AIBU?

I'm also surprised by the strength of feeling and unanimity, but I think on balance that I agree with everyone else.

Do you think your DH will be resistant to your arguments?

I can understand why he (and you) thought it would probably be OK. He didn't have the same niggles as you, but I'm sure given how uncertain you were about your position that you didn't express them particularly forcefully.

Could you show him the thread? Would it sway him or annoy him?

OP do you expect that your dh will try to over-rule you on this? You seem quite concerned about saying no to him.
Tell him you've asked around and other mothers think 5 is much too young for such a trip, unless a parent went too. Or the reverse psychology of saying it wouldn't be fair on your mil to ask her to do it?

No, I wouldn't be happy with this.

A possible compromise- MIL and SIL drive together, you and DH travel with the DC. You , DH and the children have a family room in the B+B (or stay nearby); MIL and SIL have another room.

MIL and SIL take DS1 out to the specific attraction while you take DC2 to soft play (or a park, or swimming...)

The drinking bothers me. I drink, DH drinks, but we're never both so drunk that we'd be incapable of dealing with an emergency. If MIL is effectively knocking herself out with vodka in order to sleep, I'm not convinced that she'd be able to deal with DS during the night- or in the morning, if she's waking up hungover every day.

Get your DH to read this thread.

Might be a bit clearer when down in black and white.

Trust your instincts.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

I have no problem having a few drinks in the evening and then caing for my 2 year old the next day (I am now!) but I can be up and ready to go at 6-7am - plus I am not self-medicating with alcohol in order to sleep!

Children are hard work. Taking children away is even harder, especially if you are not used to them.

Just to add, my parents are in their 50s and fit and healthy, my mum doesn't drink, and they find having ds at their house for a weekend pretty tiring. I think adding a long drive, insomnia, disability and drinking in to the mix would make for a hard trip.

For me it's how full on a 5 year old is + what Inertia has said about nights + the risk of him running off/getting hurt/lost because your MIL's not 100% 'with it' in the morning and your SIL can't run after him + the B&B - I find it difficult enough to deal with my own DCs bouncing off the walls in a hotel room + how far away you'd be/they'd be from any help.

No.

Tell DH what you have told us, it is the drinking to get to sleep that bothers me, what if DS is poorly or upset in the night? And the driving too.

Just no

I thin k maybe a few overnight stays with MIL first? In all likelihood he will wake up in the night in strange surroundings & MIL will have to deal with this.

Surely you can use the fact that he has not even stayed overnight with her more than once and then 2 years ago, a lifetime for him that it may not be appropriate at this time.

Absolutely not. I would not trust her driving, and how is it going to pan out on the morning when he's raring to go and she's in a stupor still coming to?

I have to say, as an insomniac myself, that her use of alcohol to get to sleep is a matter of concern. As a rule I find it does not help one jot to get me to sleep; it may allow me a level of unconsciousness, but it's not what I would call restful sleep

I would say no. Yes only to local trips from you. If you feel Ok with that.

Actually, assuming this is some kind of theme park, they'd have to deal with over-excited, over-fed ds as well - he's probably not going to sleep either!

YWNBU to say no to your MiL & SiL taking your DS away. The driving would be a concern for me as well.

It is difficult. My DCs are older now but we are very careful about visits to GPs. Neither DH or I are comfortable with my mother or his parents driving our DCs on unfamiliar roads and strictly limit visits to ensure GPs arent tempted to undertake trips they cant really manage.

I would say no. To be honest I would worry about my dc going on a 3 hr car journey with anyone (I am a big worrier), but the fact she drinks & had that driving incident would definitely be too much.

My mil & fil wanted to take my two dc to london last yr. Dh couldn't see a problem, but I felt they were too young to go on a big trip like that & I just wasn't comfortable with it, so I told mil that & it was fine.

I said no to ILs to anything other than local trips (up to hour away for the day). they could do loads in that scale/time but they wanted to take DC abroad etc as babies (without us) whereas my parents were happy to take the DC locally and for us to go/not go. Don't know why some Ils try to push the boundaries if parents aren't comfy! They could have a good time locally surely.

Because of the general inability to cope with him, I'd be saying "try an overnight stay at your house first, then you can call me if you need me". Or a just-after-his-breakfast till just-before-his-bedtime day at her house if she has never done that. Baby steps, working up to a weekend. Remind her that last time she looked after him overnight it didn't go too well and not a lot has changed since then.

The driving issues would make me say no to her taking him off anywhere - I'd be suggesting train / closer visit / me driving.

The drinking - um. If he wakes in the night and needs her, will she wake up?

Tell him to read this thread.

no fucking way.

the drifting across lanes, boozing and not having had him overnight since the first awful time makes it very clear to me.

Absolute no-wouldn´t even consider it.

She might even be over the limit when she drives.

YANBU. I wouldn't let him go. Too many concerns. I don't believe in over-protecting chldren but to me this would be an absolute no-no.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't let mil or anyone else take dc on holiday without me, particularly when she needs alcohol to sleep and the driving issue.

Normally I am generally all for grandparents doing things with DCs alone-but not in this case-go with your instincts.

Yanbu, if you think DH would be receptive then show him the thread.

My MIL is an alcoholic (but she's never drunk when 'in public') when we had dc2 she was desperate to have dc1 to stay over, DH agreed (yes, that was A Big Chat) and as I was occupied trying to get #2 into the world unexpectedly I opted to voice my unhappiness but let DH's reassurance that all was being monitored and well carry the argument.
She passed out fell asleep on the sofa, DS woke and went looking for her & fell down the stairs as she had left babygate open. We got a phone call for DH to leave me, still labouring, & get back to the house, MIL hadn't woken to DS's screams and he was found wandering the house covered in blood having gashed his head open (luckily no worse damage than that & some bumps thank god) by FIL, they're divorced, at half ten when he went to check on them. Now DS bed time was 6pm so how long had my poor baby been in that state? We still don't know. He could have been laying there dead. In the kitchen he found a pan on the heat bone dry, that she'd left a plastic chopping board on which had melted and was smoking away, the whole house could have gone up. I had to have my baby when I desperately needed to go to my first baby who had been hauled to a&e for oxygen, tests and stitching up.
Writing that made me tearful because I've never forgiven myself for not saying no and putting my foot down. He's a big boy now but my chest still feels tight at how close we came to losing him.
If it doesn't feel right it's probably for a reason.