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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wish I could live in the dreamworld of, 'we don't rely on my income'?

125 replies

ash1971 · 08/06/2012 20:26

Completely realise I'm probably BU, but, how do so many people live in this dreamy world? We have 3 dds, DP earns 'national average' - and that's just about enough for bills, food, boring/insurance etc. How do people do it? We don't even have Sky or a tumble dryer FGS and I work ft as a teacher. Not that I'm at all bitter - grr, grrr, . . . .And before anyone starts ranting about teachers' holidays - I'm armed with a bottle of wine!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 09/06/2012 14:58

"If I left, despite my non-paid working status, he'd be fucked and have to give up work"

I highly doubt many jobs need the person to have a partner that doesnt work. It may not be cost effective to do that job if having to pay for childcare, cleaner etc but thats not the same as needing to have another adult to actually do the job.

I agree with Cogito, whats wrong with having to work in life. If i had a daughter i'd hope she'd not be hoping to marry a man just for his money so that she didnt have to work. What sort of aspiration is that?

KalSkirata · 09/06/2012 15:00

I'm a Carer. I work very hard.

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 15:11

OP, in hindsight, it's pretty obvious how people do it (i.e. they have enough money to do so) so are you asking 1) what people do for a living 2) what their outgoings are 3) where they get their money from.

I'm actually not sure what you mean by how do they do it?

Mopswerver · 09/06/2012 15:12

HappyMummy ....refer you to Giraffe17 S excellent comment above.

giraffe17 · 09/06/2012 15:43

happy mummy, its kind of a shame if your daughter grows up and her worth (in her eyes, yours or anyone elses) is measured by whether or not she works or wants to work

ImStickMan · 09/06/2012 15:51

HappyMummyOfOne Actually my DH has one of those jobs. Would you like to find a childminder willing to start at 4:30am so DH could get into work for 5am?

But thanks for letting me know that I'm a lazy fucker with no aspirations and a disappointment to my Mother Smile

dreamingofsun · 09/06/2012 16:44

imstickman - my husband also has one of those jobs - starting at 4am and normally staying away from home most of the week. I've always worked though - now 4 days a week and for many years 5. yes its hard work but its possible.

if a family is happy with only 1 earner then fine. i feel sorry for the family though if the mother refuses to work ,even when the kids are older and the family are broke. i hope you feel ashamed ex SIL.

flapperghasted · 09/06/2012 17:52

We spent years with me earning a decent amount of money but not buying much, just paying bills. I hated it. I wanted to have my dream house 20 years ago, when we first moved in and I didn't care about going into debt to do it. Luckily, DH has a sensible head on his shoulders, so now we're old codgers, he's ensured we never bought anything on credit, unless it worked in our favour, ie buy now pay later, no difference in purchase price to cash.

He ensured we paid off our mortgage (or at least some of it) when the times were good and so we won't get caught out when our endowment policy bombs even further and doesn't come close to covering our mortgage. I still drive an old car. He has a company car and earns a decent amount, but we still get less than the family average. My wage now is a 'fun' wage. I work in the local school because I want to, rather than because I need to. It's part time and enjoyable.

We have one child, not through choice I hasten to add, but because I had so many miscarriages. On the flip side, every mc was preceded by a bout of saving which meant by the time dd stuck in place, we were comparatively well orf!

Life is about choices...it's hard, but we all choose what we want to do and how we spend our money. For some it's more children, bigger houses, bigger cars, foreign holidays. For us, it's making the most of what we have. And I love that we don't need our wage, but instead can use it for the silly things in life. And I know how damned lucky I am, but I also know how hard I worked to get here. One without the other and we would undoubtedly be in a different place.

Molehillmountain · 09/06/2012 18:07

This is the sort of discussion you can only have online as whenever finances even start to come up in real life it soon becomes clear that no one I know has the same definitions of afford, broke, stretched, choice and any number of financially related words. Even holiday-I consider we go on holiday but another friend believes that she hasn't been on holiday for years despite having had the same sort of time away that we have. I consider us to be very fortunate and well off. I know for certain that one friend considers us ripe for receiving sympathy!

CailinDana · 09/06/2012 18:10

I agree Molehill. I know a lot of people would consider my family quite poor (particularly the friend mine whose house is worth 4 million euros!) but DH and I consider ourselves quite comfortable. We can't afford holidays but then I consider that a luxury and will be very grateful if we ever can afford them. We lived as broke students for so many years (DH was at uni for 9, yes nine years) that the fact that we can now afford a lunch out at a nice cafe is quite something for us!

worzelswife · 09/06/2012 18:18

Just a small point, but Redyam you do realise that being on benefits/not working does not go hand in hand with watching Jeremy Kyle every day, right? Because that is really pretty (whispers) offensive.

I haven't been able to work for 7 years and, shock, horror, I have never watched a Jeremy Kyle episode in my whole entire life. Don't go anywhere near daytime tv.

FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:13

cailindana, surely if your dh was at uni for 9 years he now has a well paid job?

CailinDana · 09/06/2012 19:22

You'd think so wouldn't you Faye?

He earns just under 30k

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 19:25

My starting salary after 8 years at Uni was 18K. Was a while ago admittedly, but not great is it?

morethanpotatoprints · 09/06/2012 19:25

We live on dhs minimum wage and I am sahm. We don't have credit and have paid our mortgage off, with help of age (been married a long time) and WTC/TC CB. Until this year we haven't had a family holiday and have one car. Our entertainment budget is practically zero, but we're fine with that. We don't have Sky, anything we do need/want we save for. We claim everything we are entitled to, and tell no lies.
My post serves just to answer the ops question. It is not meant to mean any more than the facts stated. For us it was personal choice of not wanting both parents working. It was bloody tough though the same as it is for everybody.

FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:26

wow. I thought folk who went to uni for ages earned a bomb

eedgit eh

CailinDana · 09/06/2012 19:29

They can do, Faye, it totally depends on what they study. DH went for something he loved rather than something lucrative which is fine by me :)

DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 19:30

Well our salaries have both gone up substantially since then and we are both now HRT. But it took time.

If you stay on to postdoc (a usual job after completing a phd) then the starting salaries aren't great.

18k was fairly standard all those years ago when I got my first job.

FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:31

he's lucky of he's doing something he loves then, no £ makes up for that

CailinDana · 09/06/2012 19:33

I agree Faye. We're both in the very lucky position of doing something we love.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/06/2012 19:45

CailinDana, it certainly goes to show how peoples perceptions differ. You have friends who think you are poor and yet your dh earns twice our family houshold income, totally weird. Its not judgemental though, just a different way of living. I really wouldn't know what to do with a joint income of more than £30/40k. Obviously theres car, better house, more holidays, clothes etc. But long term I can't see it at all. But I don't see us as being poor now, thats probably why I can't comprehend it.

FayeGovan · 09/06/2012 19:45

god...whats that like Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 09/06/2012 20:20

FayeGovan. Not sure if you meant my post or if you are being serious, but my answer is we have never known any difference. I still get to spend heaps on dd with dancing lessons, music lessons etc. We just cut cloth accordingly.

dreamingofsun · 10/06/2012 11:37

morethan - surely where you live makes a big difference though. where my IL's live property is less than half the price of here - so you'd have to have an extra 100k on your mortgage to live here, for a similar standard of living, or say £500 a month more income after tax.

KateSpade · 10/06/2012 16:00

I read the first page about different choices, i would honestly go back and tell my younger self, to choose a career path with a guaranteed good income, Dentist, Solicitor, ect, rather than what i do now, i love it, but having that extra income would make life so much easier! No, i no money isnt everything.