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Original poster

bridesmaid at asian weddings, where they arent quite such a big deal

34 replies

LadySybil · 08/06/2012 13:50

My cousin is getting married soon. When I got married, she was my bridesmaid at my Mehndi, not the actual wedding, as we didnt really do bridesmaids at the time. Still dont really. What it meant at the time, was that she got to dress up as a little bride, she was 8 years old at the time, and chuffed to bits about it all.
I know that my 9 year old dd would absolutely LOVE to be a bridesmaid, more so as she is growing up in the uk where being one actually means a bit more than it does in the part of the world I'm from. I wont be attending the wedding as I cant get leave, but dsis is, and she could potentially take dd abroad.

Is it reasonable of me to present this as a possibility to the bride, or should i just not say anything? what is the mn consensus?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/06/2012 14:16

TBH, it sounds like there's quite a lot of things against telling her - your DD would have to go without you, the bride hasn't asked her, and it sounds as if it wouldn't be quite what your DD was expecting anyway.

Is there anyone else in your circle of friends or family who's getting married soon? Personally, all my mates are getting married as it's the age we are, so I would expect another chance to come along soon - but if this won't happen for you I guess it comes down to how much your DD would love it and if the bride is likely to go for the idea.

I would think at 9 it could actually be a bit stressful, being involved in a wedding without your mum there.

lisaro · 08/06/2012 14:17

No - that would be very presumptuous. It's up to the bride. I can't believe you're even considering it.

Birdsgottafly · 08/06/2012 14:22

If you wanted to do it in a round about way, you could mention it to your Mum who would perhaps bring it up with your Aunty, or via Sis?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/06/2012 14:23

It's hard to say because it may be more acceptable where you are from, but if this were a British wedding the answer would be a very loud and clear NO!

You could ask your sister if she would even be willing to take your dd first?

Original poster
LadySybil · 08/06/2012 14:27

sister is very willing to take her. thats not a problem at all. the weddingis during half term, so not an issue with the school. They would stay with mom, and dd is used to being without me for a week, so I see no problems with that.

Asking my mom to speak to her mom is probably best then. If the bride said no, then I would be fine with it obviously. Its her wedding.

Sadly, no one in my circle of friends gets married anymore. They are either already married, or just not going to get married. And our kids are all too young. Until her friends start getting married, this is her only chance. There were no girls born in our family during the 16 years between the two of them.

OP posts:
MacaroniSaysShetlandPony · 08/06/2012 14:29

I wouldn't. It might unleash Bridezilla Grin

OddBoots · 08/06/2012 14:32

Maybe you are part of a culture where it is different but it feels really off and likely to cause a bad feeling if you actually ask for your daughter to be a bridesmaid at a wedding you're not even going to!

thatisall · 08/06/2012 14:35

so your sister hasn't asked her and you aren't going....

you are suggesting that the bride take your dd abroad, presumably making her responsible for someone else's child while she should be worrying about being a bride and suggesting that your child be made part of the wedding party. Your daughter may be surprised by the role or lack of it that she will have in this wedding when she gets there and will be in a foreign country without her parents and potentially could get upset and the person caring for her is....the bride.

I think you're asking a bit much. IMO If you were attending then your sister probably would have asked her.

oopsi · 08/06/2012 14:35

ong ! You cant do that! Talk about being a pushy mother

shinyblackgrape · 08/06/2012 14:36

Oh my god - please don't do this. If your mum asks her mum, it makes it even more awkward. It would be very difficult to say no to this request without feeling incredibly mean and that is not how the bride should be made to feel. also, it could open a whole can of worms in relation to the groom's side of the family. My MIL tried to foist her 4 nieces (DH's cousins) on me as flower girls for our wedding. Pressure started on the day we for engaged FFS. Luckily DH was very supportive and basically told her to back off but it was very uncomfortable and we felt that people were trying to interfere and force their agenda on what was basically our day.

I remember being desperate to be a bridesmaid when I was little but my mum made it very clear on pain of death that my sister and I were not to mention this to any family members who were newly engaged as it would make them feel very awkward and the day was about them. We got this at around the age of 6 and 4 so sure your DD will too. It's just one of those things - some little girls get to do it and some not.

Original poster
LadySybil · 08/06/2012 14:37

macaroni, thats exactly what i am afraid of. :) ive already seen some very very bridezillaish comments from her on fb.

Im not able to go, but my sending my dd, spending a fortune for her to go, giving them the trust and honour that they will look out for her etc, all that is actually a bigger deal than my going to the wedding. iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadySybil · 08/06/2012 14:38

no no.. the bride wouldnt be caring for her. My sister would.

okie, the mn consensus is that i should avoid mentioning it at all costs then. :(

OP posts:
OddBoots · 08/06/2012 14:39

Not every girl gets to be a bridesmaid you know, sometimes it just doesn't work that way. As for "giving them the trust and honour that they will look out for her", well, I'm speechless.

shinyblackgrape · 08/06/2012 14:44

oldboots - me too Shock Confused.

The bride is quite entitled to be a "bridezilla" if that means that she has the day that she and her DH want to have.

I'm frankly stunned that you think it would be an "honour" for the bride to spend her freaking wedding day looking after your DD.

Is this actually a wind up?!

lisaro · 08/06/2012 14:45

There's no 'honour' in being dumped with someone else's child. FFS - do you have no manners whatsoever? To ask or even get someone else to ask would be unbelievably rude.

gwenniebee · 08/06/2012 14:46

I would have killed to be a bridesmaid aged 8.... but no-one was getting married. Or at least, those who were had "grown up" bridesmaids. I've survived!

When I got married three years ago I had a plethora of young cousins (ironically, the children of the people who weren't asking me to be bridesmaid to them when I was younger....) and although we are a very close family the politics of who to ask was really tricky to negotiate. If one of their mums had asked me outright, or worse still, got someone to ask for them, I think I'd have eloped.

oopsi · 08/06/2012 14:47

'giving them the trust and honour that they will look after her . ' that is priceless ! Expecting sooneme to take your child abroad and be responsible for her is an HONOUR for THEM !! I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee ,lady !

Trills · 08/06/2012 14:48

Until her friends start getting married, this is her only chance.

Not being a bridesmaid as a child is really not a big deal.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/06/2012 14:49

I really don't think this is an area where most of us can comment because the difference in cultural expectations is an unknown. My DH's family is North African and they do regard you letting them look after your children as a matter of trust and family so wouldn't see it as odd. We have had DH's nephews and neices staying with us too.

My bigger concern is extended family reaction i.e. well if LadyS's daughter was allowed to do it why wasn't my daughter asked too from other cousins. (DH has a very large family - 50 nephews and nieces & great nephews & nieces etc before you even start on cousins and sometimes the family politics can be delicate Wink )

CharminglyOdd · 08/06/2012 14:50

I'll add to the pile of people who would have loved to be a bridesmaid and never got the chance. I'll likely never be a bridesmaid. At 25 I've got over it and your DD will too :)

eurochick · 08/06/2012 14:50

I agree with everyone else. You really cannot ask.

And FWIW, I didn't get to be a bridesmaid until I was 33! Not everyone does.

Original poster
LadySybil · 08/06/2012 14:51

please dont me nasty to me. Its uncalled for.

Ive made it clear its my sister who is taking and caring for dd. NOT the bride. If you cant read my posts properly then you really have no business being rude to me.

we are a very close family, and if my dd went even if i couldnt, she would be welcomed far more than if we all went. So yes, it is an honour. But its also my sister who would be responsible, not the cousin, not her mother, not her dh, not her sisters.

ive asked for mn consensus and been given it in the first few posts. thank you to all who contributed without the need to be horrible to me.

OP posts:
shinyblackgrape · 08/06/2012 14:52

chaz - I think looking after a child of any nationality/ethnic origin is a matter of trust. Whether it is a matter of honour, particularly at a wedding, is a totally different thing

TheSecondComing · 08/06/2012 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/06/2012 14:52

But its her sister looking after her DD not the bride!