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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect at least a curtosy text message?

56 replies

ithastobeNAICEham · 08/06/2012 13:22

Bit of a back story here: me and my DD's father broke up when she was three months old. Ever since then he has given me maintenance for her every other thursday and has only missed payments when he has been out of work and couldn't afford to give me anything, instead his wife (married when my DD was 2) gave me half of what he paid me and my DDs dad would get her anything she needed (and get a tenners worth of shopping for my home a week. More than acceptable and up until yesterday there has only ever been one instance where he hasn't done what was arranged and one time where he didn't bacs transfer the money over.

So far very acceptable... However, yesterday was my DD's birthday and the day where I was expecting the maintenance. As I've had some personal finance issues over the past few weeks I've not been able to put any money away for her birthday. So I budgeted putting this payment away and taking her for a pamper day (she turned 8 and is getting into things like having her nails painted, having a style in her hair etc).

Early yesterday I went on to internet banking to transfer some money in from another account and the maintenance wasn't there... I phoned her dad for an explanation and he told me that he wasn't getting paid this week due to some reason and he wouldn't be able to transfer anything until monday... I asked him if he knew he wasn't getting paid and he said "yeh, of course" so I asked him why he didn't let me know? He said he had thought about it but decided against it. I have made him aware of the situation I am in and when he saw out DD this weekend I asked him if he wanted to contribute to any of our plans and he agreed to pay towards having her ears pierced and said he would 'just lump it in with thursdays money'

Needless to say, yesterday my DD was upset that we had to spend all morning trying and begging family to help and luckily I managed to get enough money towards the day and we had a good day in the end.

I'm just peeved that she very nearly didn't get the day she wanted, thanks to her father being an idiot...

Sorry this is so long and ranty, but I don't think I am bu to expect to made awaare of things like this??

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 08/06/2012 17:25

I'd start saving up for her 18th now, if I were you.

What would you do if he lost his job and no money was forthcoming? I don't expect it even occurred to him that you are living that hand-to-mouth.

rainydaysarebad · 08/06/2012 17:27

Wow I think you're just overreActing and letting your rage out on ex for no reason.

8 is old enough to understand what the household budget is. Ffs, even my 4 year asks me if things are expensive, when I say no to buying them. Your dd should understand this. Going around begging for money must have really been fun for your dd Hmm. You could have easily done something at home like letting her use your make up and dressing up and then getting presents on Monday when your maintenance came.

So what was your question? Yea you're being U.

DamnBamboo · 08/06/2012 17:34

He doesn't like an idiot to me at all.

You had financial problems this month, as has he, so why is he an idiot for this and not you for planning your own finances better.

awaywego1 · 08/06/2012 17:50

I really don't understand why people are being so awful to the op Sad if the situation was that her husbands wages hadn't been paid would people be so harsh? A lot of people are living from wage to wage-why is this different?

DamnBamboo · 08/06/2012 17:54

The guy has only ever missed one payment and he gets called an idiot for it, just because OP was relying on his child maintenance to her present to DD.

It seems harsh, that's my view and OP said up until this point that this treatment has been 'more than acceptable'.

It's just a bad turn of cirumstances really isn't it, doesn't make the guy an idiot any more than OP is an idiot for not having money herself.

anastaisia · 08/06/2012 17:57

I don't think she's calling him an idiot for not being paid, but for knowing about it in advance and not informing her when he knows that week is his own daughter's birthday.

Surely it's just good manners, if you can't pay a bill on time, to let the person the money is due to go to know beforehand. And applying the same argument about budgeting to both parents equally why hadn't he budgeted in advance so that his maintenance payment for his own child wasn't delayed by his employers paying him late? Why is the OP expected to budget but he isn't?

DamnBamboo · 08/06/2012 18:11

Because the OP wants the money for her birthday treat to their DD.

Its a gift from her!

Yes he should have budgeted too, of course he should have.

Noqontrol · 08/06/2012 18:22

I don't think you're unreasonable. If your ex always gives you the money on that day it's not unreasonable to assume that he would this time. And lots of people live from payday to payday with no savings, this is similar really. It's hard to save on a low budget, I certainly struggled with that in the past.

I think your ex should have told you if he knew, it's common curtesy really, and then at least you would have had time to sort something else out.

In an ideal world it's good to save and have money put by for a rainy day, but sometimes it's not always possible.

ClaireBunting · 08/06/2012 18:27

YABU to spend money on such an expensive great for an eight year old. What are you going to do when she is 15?

timetoask · 08/06/2012 18:33

YBU!
You could have taken your daughter out to the cinema or whatever to celebrate. Teach her it's not about the amount of money spent but the time shared together.
Do you really want her at 8 years of age to start getting into nail varnish and stuff like that?

NatashaBee · 08/06/2012 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anastaisia · 08/06/2012 19:31

"Because the OP wants the money for her birthday treat to their DD.

Its a gift from her!"

It was a gift from her that she asked him if he would like to contribute towards, which he agreed to seemingly without any pressure to. Perhaps I'm unusual but in my understanding made it a gift from them both?

IMO, even if you don't have a large amount of money, £40 spent on a birthday present from both your parents isn't actually an obscene amount of money. I mean the suggested trip to the cinema alternative (based on prices here) would cost £15 pounds just for travel and tickets for one adult and one child. If you've no money because you've already paid bills and bought essentials expecting a regular payment to be made which you can use for treats I don't think £15 is going to be much more affordable than £40 for many people....

DamnBamboo · 08/06/2012 19:40

No anastasia he agreed to pay towards having her ears pierced.

Not £40 worth!

I have no issues with what they spent on their DD, it's not what this thread is about really is it.

I don't think the guy is an idiot and if he doesn't know how bad OPs situation is, he probably thinks that not handing it over for a few extra days wouldn't be a big deal. A bit presumptuous perhaps, but he is being no more U than than the OP is!

No more to say reallly, just my opinion.

1950sHousewife · 08/06/2012 19:51

YANBU to have expected him to pay on time if that was the arrangement or at least given him notice. I would not go off on one at him about it but try and calmly make an arrangement for if this happens in future.

YABVVVVVU was to drag your daughter around begging for money and making a massive issue out of the missing money. Having been from a family where I was made very aware of my Dad's financial crapness and the guilt it makes the child feel because they know very well that they are part of the problem, I feel that you should keep this kind of problem to yourself as much as possible.

Surely calmly rebooking it and making some kind of an alternative treat for her would have made for a nicer birthday for her?

Both of you sound like you and your ex have made your DDs birthday a bit worse than it needed to be.

ClaireBunting · 08/06/2012 19:52

He sounds like a good guy and his wife seems lovely too.

He should not be crucified for one misdemeanour. Or alienated. The OP could make the situation a lot worse for herself.

complexo · 08/06/2012 20:03

I am ever so afraid of things going wrong on my daughter's b'day that I always plan very well in advance. But...I did fuck up big time once (very long story) which meant the money to pay fo my visa was not in my account as promised by somebody, and I had to leave the UK and re-apply again taking me nearly 4 months to get back here...and around 100 more £ than I originally had to spend.

So OP, take it as a lesson...in my country we have a say: "don't count with the egg whilst it is still inside the chicken"... at the end you were lucky your family could help.

Your ex was U not to let you know in advance, maybe it was because he was afraid to be told off and he didn't know you did not have nothing else...just tell him that you would rather know before hand should this happens again, so you can plan better.

complexo · 08/06/2012 20:11

So to answer your question. YANBU to expect a courtesy txt message.
And don't let people make you feel bad for your choice of celebration either.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 08/06/2012 20:51

I did NOT take my DD round vaarious family members... I called the ones who I knew would be able to answer at that time on a thursday.

The whole £40 did not go on her ears, it went on various other things.

My DD is 8 and enjoys being made a fuss of and I offered her things like the cinema etc, however, as a special 'all day' type treat is not unusual. Most people have parties etc for their DC do they not...??

I am at no point going to 'crucify' my ex, at the end of all this, he is my DD's daddy, he has always been resonable up to here but all I am asking for is a little common curtesy to say that he will not be able to pay maintenance when it is expected... I don't think that's too much to ask for!

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 08/06/2012 21:01

It`s courtesy. Was it a school holiday?

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 08/06/2012 21:02

Also, just to add, I called him an idiot in my OP in a rant and as he knew full well what day I had planned for my DD and he knows my financial situation (we are still close and I've known his wife since we were young and she is close to my family too)

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 08/06/2012 21:02

Yes other people do have parties for their Dc and often spend a lot more than that. This is mumsnet don't forget, you're always going to get a bit more than you bargained for here!! You're not unreasonable, £40 isnt a ridiculously stupid amount to spend, and I hope your daughter had a lovely day.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 08/06/2012 21:19

Luckily, she did!! She loves her pretty ears and her new hair!

Thank you

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 09/06/2012 08:22

I love threads like this.
OP posts, many disagree, OP gets annoyed that many disagree and still think she's right.

Why on earth post if you genuinely think you're not wrong, there is no point in this thread.

RuleBritannia · 09/06/2012 08:27

Reading about your circumstances, I would have 'provided' (that means not necessarily have spent money) a gift within my means and it certainly would not have been on the likes of nail painting, ear piercing etc. There are plenty of things that you could do costing nothing.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 09/06/2012 08:38

YABVVVU.

I grew up with a single mum who scrubbed toilets at the other children's houses so I could get an education -after we got out of the women's shelter that is= (Luckily our 'fairy godmother' got her a mininmum wage job when I was about seven. Smile) so my mother couldn't really hide our financial distress from DB and I.

I'll never forget the special effort she put into everything and how even now she refuses to stalk to me about money. With all my ishoos I KNOW we must have a huge debt, and I know she must be stressed. Seeing your mother beg for money is not something any child deserves. Plus I think it sends a bad message to beg for money for her on her birthday..

Dad sounds like a nice bloke. Be grateful he actually pays! Grin

FYI: My mum is MY fairy godmother Crown