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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want my DH's friend to stay here?

46 replies

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 17:07

I suspect I am, as if it were one of my friends I'd probably feel slightly different (although timing still sucks) but... [shrug]

About 18 months ago DH became friendly with a couple (I'll call him A and her B) who at the time ran a shop in the village. They are about my age, early 40s. We socialised as a foursome a few times by which time I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend my precious free time with them if I could avoid it. There's no way of explaining why without coming over as a crashing snob or an old fuddy-duddy - which is fine, I have elements of both. Grin

They have a very 'teenage' way of behaving - A is 'obviously' immature; his only hobbies AFAIK are skateboarding, computer games and getting drunk and/or stoned. I know I am judgy about the latter (privately - I don't discuss it with him) partly through natural anti-drugs inclination and partly because I used to work in the criminal justice system. He has two school-age DSs from a previous relationship who he never sees despite not living very far away from them. I get the feeling he's too busy trying to be a teenager to have time to be a father. B always has to be the centre of attention and whatever anyone has done, she's done it bigger-better-faster-stronger. Nights out with them invariably involved them racing to get from 0-drunk as fast as possible then having very melodramatic arguments, slamming doors, flouncing out, tears, swearing, shouting, then equally OTT make-ups. I found this neither enjoyable nor relaxing.

About a year ago I signed up for an industry-specific training course. It's been very enjoyable but also very full-on: loads of self-study which I've fitted around full-time work - essays, presentations, other assignments etc. It also became the perfect excuse for me to drop out of nights with A and B pleading too much study. A little while after that their shop closed and B got a job involving evening shifts, so a routine evolved whereby my DH and A would go out maybe once a week/once a fortnight. My DH knows I worry about him drinking too much (he's on a cocktail of medication for a chronic health condition and too much alcohol isn't good for him) so when it's his turn to pick the venue he tends to suggest they play pool to slow the drinking down a bit or he alternates alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, but invariably A will buy DH a pint when its his round regardless of whether DH has asked for a soft drink, teases him for being a "lightweight" etc. (He knows about DH's health issues and meds.)

My course finishes next week - I have to give a timed presentation on Monday morning followed by a 3-hour exam in the afternoon. If I pass this course well, I'll get a bonus and a pay rise. I've taken this week off specifically to work on and rehearse my presentation, to do some general revision and to clean/tidy our spare room during 'study breaks' ahead of my DSD coming to stay with us next Tuesday (she's staying a week so she can see DH on Father's Day, and she lives nearly 300 miles away so is making a nice proper break of it).

Today A has sent my DH a text to say he and B have split up again and asking if he can stay with us for "a few nights" to "get his head straight" and has signed off with "I'll bring the beers!" I really, really don't want him here. I'd have to spend the rest of today tidying the spare room in one go (I'm not a complete slut, we just haven't had anyone to stay for a while so have been using it as a bit of a dumping ground for eg suitcases, winter bedding, my DH's art stuff etc so there's some stuff to find homes for plus the usual hoovering/dusting/bed changing etc) so won't get any studying done, and then will have to clean/change it all again for DSD coming. More importantly he'll be here underfoot the whole time I'm trying to rehearse my presentation and revise for my exam. DH isn't mad keen but feels he should help out a friend in need; I really want to say flat-out "no".

Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

OP posts:
BanalChelping · 07/06/2012 17:10

No.

Just in case that wasn't clear enough: no no no no no no no!

Oogaballoo · 07/06/2012 17:11

Say no. Your course mark will be that mark forever, do not let one person derail all of the effort you have put in. They can find somewhere else.

Just say no. Foot down.

ivykaty44 · 07/06/2012 17:11

A flat out - sorry not until after Monday and then dsd is staying so it would be the sofa, if you can find somewhere else till then we can see what we can squeeze in

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 17:11

No, your preparation for your presentation and exam is too important to jeopardise by having this guy come to stay with his beer.

You can't accommodate him right now, so he'll have to find somewhere else.

Best of luck with your study :)

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 17:11

Say no then. A sounds like an immature nutter tbh. Just say it's not convenient with your dsd coming to stay and that you have very important exams.

fruitysummer · 07/06/2012 17:12

YANBU

Just tell him no, it's not convenient, even if you liked the man it's still not actually convenient.

Your DH is not keen so you are not the only one, yes friends do help friends, but only where possible.

This instance is not possible.

ENormaSnob · 07/06/2012 17:14

Yanbu

wineandroses · 07/06/2012 17:16

No, and No again. This happened to me when I took study leave prior to a really important exam - my study was completely disrupted by having an unexpected visitor in my house and I barely scraped a pass. I was so cross about it and seriously considered taking the exam again, as I knew I could have done much better if I'd been able to focus, de-stress and study at my own pace.

The timing couldn't be worse - you need to emphasise that to DH and tell him it is a non-negotiable. Plus you don't like the guy, so why would you let him stay. No No No.

Inertia · 07/06/2012 17:16

YANBU

You could reply on behalf of your DH so he doesn't feel bad - "Sorry, spare room already promised to DSD , and things are very stressful in our house this week as I have my exams. Sure DH will arrange to meet up with you for a chat. Best wishes, Fire".

starfishmummy · 07/06/2012 17:17

If you don't wnat him, then just say no. You don't need to give reasons. Just "no"

ErikNorseman · 07/06/2012 17:17

Yanbu! DH can tell him dsd is coming to stay so no room. End of discussion. He sounds a right dick!

NatashaBee · 07/06/2012 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starfishmummy · 07/06/2012 17:18

oops, want!!

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 17:20

Thank you for making it so obvious - I think my head is scrambled with exam prep and I'm overcomplicating this!

I like that response Inertia: polite but firm and clear.

Although half-tempted to suggest ivykaty's compromise as he would have to share the sofa with our farting Labrador who technically isn't allowed on the furniture but exceptions can be made in extremis.

OP posts:
Serendipity30 · 07/06/2012 17:21

SAY NO like other posters said, you sound like you have worked really hard on ths course, and this guy sounds like he is coming down for a piss up. He does not sound like a good friend to your DH, as he is ignoring that your DH takes medication that is affected by alcohol.

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 17:21

Meant to add wineandroses I'm sorry to hear about your similar experience, I will take that as a real-life cautionary tale!

OP posts:
WhiteWidow · 07/06/2012 17:23

You're not being unreasonable.

Even if he wasn't a twat, it's your home and if you don't want someone there it's your right.

cocolepew · 07/06/2012 17:23

No no no. Your Dh just has to say DD is staying and you have an important exam.

Though to be fair you dont need to justify your NO.

ToryLovell · 07/06/2012 17:25

Unanimous YANBU

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 17:29

I think I was doubting myself because if it were eg my good friend from work, I'd probably do what I could to help her out. The difference is she would make herself scarce during the day / creep round like a mouse if I were studying / offer to listen to my presentation and give constructive criticism, not constantly try to persuade me to "kick back and have a beer", jabber on about skateboarding moves, nag DH into having yet another drink and the like.

OP posts:
Serendipity30 · 07/06/2012 17:35

Exactly it does not sound like he will be respectful.

MissTapestry · 07/06/2012 17:36

Just in case the message hasn't been clear from everyone else... No o o ooo.

YanbuSmile

fruitysummer · 07/06/2012 17:36

FWIW, we DH had a friend, who once we'd let stay once, kept inviting himself to stay whenever it suited him.

Eventually after I chucked a major hissy fit DH told him it wasn't actually convenient and funnily enough, said friend decided he no longer needed DH and we've not heard from him for some time.

Hopefully, the same will work for you if A is as a complete arse Grin as he sounds

Good luck with your study and exam

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/06/2012 17:38

NO. YANBU at all.

NO.

Noqontrol · 07/06/2012 17:53

Absolutely not. No no no no no.