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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want my DH's friend to stay here?

46 replies

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 17:07

I suspect I am, as if it were one of my friends I'd probably feel slightly different (although timing still sucks) but... [shrug]

About 18 months ago DH became friendly with a couple (I'll call him A and her B) who at the time ran a shop in the village. They are about my age, early 40s. We socialised as a foursome a few times by which time I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend my precious free time with them if I could avoid it. There's no way of explaining why without coming over as a crashing snob or an old fuddy-duddy - which is fine, I have elements of both. Grin

They have a very 'teenage' way of behaving - A is 'obviously' immature; his only hobbies AFAIK are skateboarding, computer games and getting drunk and/or stoned. I know I am judgy about the latter (privately - I don't discuss it with him) partly through natural anti-drugs inclination and partly because I used to work in the criminal justice system. He has two school-age DSs from a previous relationship who he never sees despite not living very far away from them. I get the feeling he's too busy trying to be a teenager to have time to be a father. B always has to be the centre of attention and whatever anyone has done, she's done it bigger-better-faster-stronger. Nights out with them invariably involved them racing to get from 0-drunk as fast as possible then having very melodramatic arguments, slamming doors, flouncing out, tears, swearing, shouting, then equally OTT make-ups. I found this neither enjoyable nor relaxing.

About a year ago I signed up for an industry-specific training course. It's been very enjoyable but also very full-on: loads of self-study which I've fitted around full-time work - essays, presentations, other assignments etc. It also became the perfect excuse for me to drop out of nights with A and B pleading too much study. A little while after that their shop closed and B got a job involving evening shifts, so a routine evolved whereby my DH and A would go out maybe once a week/once a fortnight. My DH knows I worry about him drinking too much (he's on a cocktail of medication for a chronic health condition and too much alcohol isn't good for him) so when it's his turn to pick the venue he tends to suggest they play pool to slow the drinking down a bit or he alternates alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, but invariably A will buy DH a pint when its his round regardless of whether DH has asked for a soft drink, teases him for being a "lightweight" etc. (He knows about DH's health issues and meds.)

My course finishes next week - I have to give a timed presentation on Monday morning followed by a 3-hour exam in the afternoon. If I pass this course well, I'll get a bonus and a pay rise. I've taken this week off specifically to work on and rehearse my presentation, to do some general revision and to clean/tidy our spare room during 'study breaks' ahead of my DSD coming to stay with us next Tuesday (she's staying a week so she can see DH on Father's Day, and she lives nearly 300 miles away so is making a nice proper break of it).

Today A has sent my DH a text to say he and B have split up again and asking if he can stay with us for "a few nights" to "get his head straight" and has signed off with "I'll bring the beers!" I really, really don't want him here. I'd have to spend the rest of today tidying the spare room in one go (I'm not a complete slut, we just haven't had anyone to stay for a while so have been using it as a bit of a dumping ground for eg suitcases, winter bedding, my DH's art stuff etc so there's some stuff to find homes for plus the usual hoovering/dusting/bed changing etc) so won't get any studying done, and then will have to clean/change it all again for DSD coming. More importantly he'll be here underfoot the whole time I'm trying to rehearse my presentation and revise for my exam. DH isn't mad keen but feels he should help out a friend in need; I really want to say flat-out "no".

Aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

OP posts:
maras2 · 07/06/2012 18:19

He sounds a complete nightmare.Say no.Good luck. Mx.

MarySA · 07/06/2012 18:24

Absolutely not. Concentrate on your exams.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/06/2012 18:27

Definatly No.

I love a drink, but I hate people that try and pressure others into drinking when they don't want to, or shouldn't. It's really low behaviour, almost bullying.

Chandon · 07/06/2012 18:31

" I am really sorry, but it is not convenient right now."

Fireandashes · 07/06/2012 18:34

The deed is done: DH rang A, politely refused as it's really not convenient and offered to catch up with A for a drink once he is sorted elsewhere. A is apparently "a bit miffed". Many "cheers mate"s and "you know who your friends are" type comments. DH is a bit pissed off with A for not recognising the imposition; I am biting my tongue to stop from shouting "He's always been a complete arse, you just haven't recognised it!" but being gently sympathetic towards DH.

Thank you all for your unanimous support. Smile

OP posts:
lovebunny · 07/06/2012 18:43

he can't stay with you. use your studies as an excuse, but if your plans were to spend the next fortnight on a sunbed and having your nails done, he still couldn't stay.
let him ask me. i'll tell him. no!

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 19:16

Well done Fireand and DH :)

GrahamTribe · 07/06/2012 19:20

Please, don't hold back. Do the shouting thing about him being a complete arse forever. It'll make you feel even better. Grin

I'm glad you got it sorted. I don't have your tact and manners, I'd have just called the guy and told him no way!

Serendipity30 · 07/06/2012 19:46

yaaaay he's response to your DH shows that he is not a pleasant person, best not to slag him off to your DH just do it on here as it my make him feel bad. well done

cocolepew · 07/06/2012 20:49

God luck with your exam. We all expect you to pass now.

No pressure Smile

skybluepearl · 07/06/2012 22:34

Say you can have him visit after Monday as it's too hectic

Fireandashes · 10/07/2012 20:46

Not sure what the etiquette is here for resurrecting old threads, but just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who advised/supported me...and to completely unstealthily boast that I got my results today and I got 84% in my exam!
GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 10/07/2012 20:49

WELL DONE! :)

50ShadesOfGreggs · 10/07/2012 20:51

Well done!

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 20:52

well done! brilliant result!

VodkaJelly · 10/07/2012 20:57

Totally agree fruitysummer, DP had a friend like this. He lived in the next town to ours and used to come over regular to go to a local music venue and would drag (a quite willing) DP with him. Friend would then end up on our sofa, we have a small house and 3 DC's and these were always weeknights so I would get up in the morning for work and creep around the house getting ready.

The clincher came when DP went to friends town for some drinks and whilst in their house waiting for friend to get ready, friend wife came straight out with "You cant stay the night you have to go home". DP was quite dumfounded as he wasnt expecting to stay and had actually arranged for me to pick him up at the end of the night.

I put a stop to friend staying overnight straightaway.

Glad you have got it sorted OP!

MagicHouse · 10/07/2012 20:58

Great news! :) What happened to the annoying friend?!

quoteunquote · 10/07/2012 21:01

very impressive, congratulations,Wine

this thread should be kept somewhere as an example of why "No", is a good thing,

Did they get back together?

Fireandashes · 10/07/2012 21:15

Annoying friend moved into a house in the next town and went a bit wild with the freedom so my DH backed off a bit as he's not interested in that scene; friend now has new GF who seems a bit of a steadying influence so DH and him have met up a couple of times for more sedate games of pool with less alcohol involved.

Thanks for the congratulations, and the interest. On the strength of the bonus I get for passing the exam, DH and I are going to Barcelona for a few days at the end of next month - can't wait! It will be our first proper holiday for four years so really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 10/07/2012 21:19

Well done OP

Lets hope new gf will have a steadying enough influence to make AF grow up a bit so he'll be less annoying in future.

Enjoy your holiday :)

Jux · 10/07/2012 22:37

Well done!

(what has happened with A, though?!)

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