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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about baby shower invite - serious overkill or me being aparty pooper?

52 replies

Cheekybitch · 07/06/2012 10:10

Have name changed...

A friend is having a babyshower for her daughter, I received an invite but really don't want to go for the following reasons:
*I don't really agree with them - I think babies should be celebrated once they're here

  • The party is in the function room of a pub!!
  • All are invited - it's not a small affair, rather a massive big deal with men, women and kids invited to 'party'
  • There is a GIFT LIST
  • The babies parents are skint yet the mother has spent a fortune on table decorations etc

Would you go / adhere to the gift list or bow out??

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 07/06/2012 14:44

Another one who is not keen. I dislike the idea of asking people to buy specific things - it feels rude. I would also like the buy for a baby once it has safely arrived.

I also kind of think that people should finance their own major occasions - like weddings and births and not pass that on to their guests, in the guise of a party.

bumperella · 07/06/2012 15:48

...I feel v uncomfortable with gift list. However I can see that if you received lots of things you already had or lots of duplicates it could be a bit of a waste - gift lists do avoid this, and realistically, lots of people will buy presents. It does sound cheeky esp if included with the invites. Basically: I wouldn't but I can see why other people do.
I don't like the idea of presents before LO arrives safely. Some people bought me things before I had my baby, which was very kind of them, but whilst am not normally superstitious I did get that wierd "jolt" of worry.

creativevoid · 07/06/2012 15:54

Just a quick comment on baby showers - I am American - land of showers and though they are gift focused there is a strict etiquette (not that everyone follows it). A shower has to be thrown for you, you cannot throw yourself a shower - asking for presents is totally rude. It really should be a friend throwing the shower, not a relative, as relatives also shouldn't be soliciting gifts, but that one seems mainly to be observed in the breach. So on the basis that doing it for yourself contravenes the spirit of the shower, YANBU.

Proudnscary · 07/06/2012 15:58

Baby showers are crass and cringey and grabby and stupid and attention seeking and pointless.

Gift lists for baby showers are Shock

YANBU

bumperella · 07/06/2012 16:05

I think having someone organise to have a bunch of your freinds round when you're in the latter stages of pg, fed up and knackered, is a really nice idea.
It's surely just an excuse to have a nice afternoon with some close friends/relatives before the hell of having a new baby begins.
The gift list stuff is a separate issue.
Perhaps in the UK people just do it badly as we don't have the tradition then the etiquette of it gets lost?
I didn't have a baby shower, but don't have a problem with a nicely-done one..

expatinscotland · 07/06/2012 16:08

YANBU

Ephiny · 07/06/2012 16:09

I think it's organising the baby shower for yourself that makes it so much worse (especially with gift list). It just doesn't seem a right thing to do.

Like at work when someone gets married, or has a baby, or is leaving or something - often a colleague organises a collection to buy them a gift. Which is fine IMO (though I know some people resent the pressure to contribute). But this is like if the person organised the collection for themselves, you just wouldn't do that, surely?

AlbertoFrog · 07/06/2012 16:15

YANBU

Detest baby showers and declined a recent invitation.

I celebrate and buy a gift of my choosing once the baby has been safely delivered.

notaniphoneownerjustabadtypist · 07/06/2012 16:20

This doesn't sound like a "proper" baby shower (if such a thing exists). The baby showers I have been to have been low key affairs where the mum to be invites a few close ffemale friends and relations. Not usually any booze, but plenty of tea, cakes an nibbles! Hence they are usualyl held in the daytime in the mum to be's home. They can bring presents if they want but this isn't expected. The presents should be for the mum not the baby, so think Body Shop smellies and other pampering stuff.
If you don't like the sound if it don't go, and I wouldn't like it. "Proper" baby showers aren't too bad but this sound horendous.

MrsSnow · 07/06/2012 16:22

I make a point of emailing/phoning the mother to be that I don't do baby showers.

I'd rather celebrate when the baby has arrived safely.

OneHandWavingFree · 07/06/2012 17:22

Bumperella has it spot-on.

Like any kind of party, a baby shower can be done in a lovely, affectionate, low-key and tactful way, or it can be done in a brash, grabby, over-the-top and tactless way.

All the baby showers that I have been to in the US (including my own, given by my wonderful friends) have fallen into the former category. Anything with a gift list falls into the latter category, IMHO.

As for thinking there's some problem with celebrating the baby before it's born, I don't see any reason other than superstition why this would be a problem to anyone. You don't avoid planning a birthday party in case you get hit by a bus before the big day.

It's fair enough not to take part if you don't like the idea of baby showers, but for God's sake decline politely. Sorry MrsSnow but I think that emailing that you don't "do" baby showers is very rude. Especially if you hint that it's out of concern that the baby may not arrive safely! Shock

otchayaniye · 07/06/2012 19:21

oh i can beat this.

i've been invited to a baby shower (loathesome grabfests) but it's a 'no kids' one and i have been saddled with looking after the hosts 5 year old from previous relationship. how's that work!

marshmallowpies · 07/06/2012 19:47

I had a baby shower like Meconiums- afternoon tea at my house, I baked & provided snacks, my friends organised everything else, and we had a nice cosy relaxed afternoon.

I didn't want people spending much money, just being there to have a fun afternoon & spend time with friends before the baby arrived was the main point, so I asked my friend to make sure people were advised they didn't need to spend too much money. As someone said up thread, though, people do seem to like spending money on babies!

Left to myself, I probably wouldn't have chosen to have a shower, for superstitious reasons, but I didn't want to seen churlish when my friends volunteered to organise it, and I think people had a lovely time.

Organising it yourself, hiring a venue and having a gift list all seem way too grabby to me! In the same situation I'd try to decline as politely as I could, I think.

monkeymoma · 07/06/2012 19:50

don't go if you're not going to be a willing guests
I like the idea of baby showers but have never been to one
gift lists are not compulsary, but I wouldn't go to a shower empty handed anyway so would buy something, I like gift shopping so would probably buy something "off list" but if short of time I'ld do the gift list

Mayisout · 07/06/2012 20:09

A get together for mums with no booze sounds utter crap to me - and some taking/some not taking pressies sounds a recipe for embarrassment for those who spent to much and those who didn't spend at all. Awful.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/06/2012 20:11

YANBU, I wouldn't go tbh.

Cheeky sods having a gift list. That alone would make me not go

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 07/06/2012 20:21

I had a lovely ' bump party' - kind of a last hurrah chance for me to spend time with my girlfriends before I had the baby taking up every last thought and minute. So glad I did it, it was lovely. Everyone got me something, but I didn't assume and there was no list, but my sister (who organised it) had a list of useful items I'd like in case anyone asked.

I would always say that if the invitation makes you uncomfortable then the party will be worse and you shouldn't go!

Twinkleinmyeye · 07/06/2012 20:26

Ok, this shower does sound terrible, but I like baby showers as described by notaniphoneowner. In fact, we will be holding one like that for my DSIL almost a year to the day of her bridal shower which was really lovely!

As for gift lists, as long as they're offered appropriately I really don't see the problem. I received about a million bloody 0-3 months vests for my DS1. I think many people prefer to know they're buying something that is wanted/needed and will be used.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 07/06/2012 20:31

I spent most of the latter stages of my pregnancies with an almost overwhelming urge to hide from any social contact... I had to force myself to friend's weddings, christenings, graduations etc and I'd have hated anything remotely resembling a baby shower.

But can I ask a bit of a morbid question (with apologies to anyone this upsets): what do you do with the baby shower gifts if the baby is stillborn?

Rosebud05 · 07/06/2012 20:41

That would be the parent's decision, breastmilk. However painful having the gifts was, they may still be a precious reminder of all their baby meant to them and others. Or not - people make different decisions.

I couldn't do a baby shower for lots of different reasons, but each to their own.

monkeymoma · 07/06/2012 20:44

"But can I ask a bit of a morbid question (with apologies to anyone this upsets): what do you do with the baby shower gifts if the baby is stillborn?"

probably the same thing you do with ALL the other stuff you have stocked up on by then, who waits till the baby is born to buy stuff these days? it's not practical!

monkeymoma · 07/06/2012 20:50

and I didn't have a babyshower but did recieve a lot of hand me downs in later pregnancy, which I'ld have had to deal with if I had a stillborn, some babyshower gifts added onto that wouldn't have created a problem that wasn't already there IYKWIM

Elkieb · 07/06/2012 20:53

My sister has one. Was twee as hell but we all got with it. I think even my sister wasn't keen but her friend organised the whole thing.

marshmallowpies · 07/06/2012 20:54

Breastmilk I hadn't been buying anything for myself for superstitious reasons, but MIL bought me a ton of stuff at a nearly new sale and SIL sent me loads of her children's baby clothes - so even without spending money I already had loads of stuff when I was only about 5 months pregnant.

My instinct would always be 'don't count your chickens', though, and I'd never buy someone a present for a baby before birth unless they were having a baby shower and I knew it would be acceptable.

Oh and if you brought a present to a baby shower you do NOT need to buy a present when the baby is born. Anyone expecting 2 presents is definitely BU!

Elkieb · 07/06/2012 20:55

Sorry, hadn't quite finished! My mum and I felt it was forced, and very American. And the games were shite, and boring. I will shut up now!