Or more specifically am I being unreasonably to put conditions on my ex's contact with my daughter as far as concerns smoking?
Bit of background. DD was very poorly aged 3 months and we very nearly lost her as I woke up one morning to find her blue. She was in hospital for 3 weeks with a terrible chest infection and it was devastating. My then partner, her father, was not around for this as he had gone back up both to visit his friends and family. (should've got the measure of him then no?) I sometimes think that because he wasn't there, he doesn't have all the same worries about her health as I do.
WE moved back up North to be near both families. Ex's parents smoked like chimneys, I mean ALOT. When you stepped in their house you could cut the smoke with a knife!! We had so many family rows about this as they would smoke when we were there with our baby and even if they didn't have a cigarette in their hands, the smoke is kind of ingrained in the house!! They wouldn't visit us, we had to visit them as ex's dad was ill. Ex's Mum has now quit but his Dad is still like a chimney.
DD is ok now (aged 9), but catches colds and chest infections easily, she has mild asthma, and generally seems to be susceptible to coughs etc. We try not to make too much of an issue of it all.
So the problem. My ex lives quite far away and often has dd overnight when he's home for his visits with her. He lives at his parents when he's home, so she sleeps in their smoky house. We have to wash her clothes twice when she gets back and she has to go straight in the bath as she stinks. She is so embarrassed that she won't go anywhere straight after her visits as she wants to clean the smell off. Ive even caught her sniffing her hair after her bath to check for smoke smells.
But guess what....ex claims nobody smokes there anymore.
I can't stand that my dd's health is being put at risk and that they are lying to me. I have tried to talk to my ex about this before but he says theres no other way he can have a proper father/daughter relationship other than having her at his parents. He is angry that I would try to 'tell them how to live their lives'. But were it not that my dd is seeping there then I agree it would be none of my business.
DD told us a few days ago that she is worried about her Grandad smoking so much and that she thinks her dad is smoking in secret (she went in loo after him and it was smoky and there were cigarettes in the loo). She's not daft, she's a worrier and not a trouble maker; it will have taken a lot for her to speak to me about her worries.
So I suppose I have to speak to him again? How do I put it? Or do I just state that she cannot go there anymore? AIBU to think I even have a right to make conditions on his access with our dd?
I was going to put this post elsewhere but AIBU tends to be the most blunt and I kinda like that. :-)