AIBU to insist that they stop smoking?

[thatisall]

Or more specifically am I being unreasonably to put conditions on my ex's contact with my daughter as far as concerns smoking?

Bit of background. DD was very poorly aged 3 months and we very nearly lost her as I woke up one morning to find her blue. She was in hospital for 3 weeks with a terrible chest infection and it was devastating. My then partner, her father, was not around for this as he had gone back up both to visit his friends and family. (should've got the measure of him then no?) I sometimes think that because he wasn't there, he doesn't have all the same worries about her health as I do.

WE moved back up North to be near both families. Ex's parents smoked like chimneys, I mean ALOT. When you stepped in their house you could cut the smoke with a knife!! We had so many family rows about this as they would smoke when we were there with our baby and even if they didn't have a cigarette in their hands, the smoke is kind of ingrained in the house!! They wouldn't visit us, we had to visit them as ex's dad was ill. Ex's Mum has now quit but his Dad is still like a chimney.
DD is ok now (aged 9), but catches colds and chest infections easily, she has mild asthma, and generally seems to be susceptible to coughs etc. We try not to make too much of an issue of it all.

So the problem. My ex lives quite far away and often has dd overnight when he's home for his visits with her. He lives at his parents when he's home, so she sleeps in their smoky house. We have to wash her clothes twice when she gets back and she has to go straight in the bath as she stinks. She is so embarrassed that she won't go anywhere straight after her visits as she wants to clean the smell off. Ive even caught her sniffing her hair after her bath to check for smoke smells.

But guess what....ex claims nobody smokes there anymore.

I can't stand that my dd's health is being put at risk and that they are lying to me. I have tried to talk to my ex about this before but he says theres no other way he can have a proper father/daughter relationship other than having her at his parents. He is angry that I would try to 'tell them how to live their lives'. But were it not that my dd is seeping there then I agree it would be none of my business.

DD told us a few days ago that she is worried about her Grandad smoking so much and that she thinks her dad is smoking in secret (she went in loo after him and it was smoky and there were cigarettes in the loo). She's not daft, she's a worrier and not a trouble maker; it will have taken a lot for her to speak to me about her worries.

So I suppose I have to speak to him again? How do I put it? Or do I just state that she cannot go there anymore? AIBU to think I even have a right to make conditions on his access with our dd?

I was going to put this post elsewhere but AIBU tends to be the most blunt and I kinda like that. :-)

YANBU. This comes from a smoker. No way do I have the smell in my house and do the 10 step away from the house rule. If it's raining, tough, get wet or use a brolly. Irrespective of your dc health background, smoking should not be allowed around children

I don't blame your poor DH for being likely to hit the roof either! The only thing that can realistically be done here is for DD not to see her father unless he makes arrangements for them to meet/stay elsewhere. You've every right to refuse to allow your DD to go to/stay at her grandparents' house and if that's what you decide the ball's in the ex's court.

morethan my sister and her dp do this...they set up a smokers corner in their garden with a patio brolly lol.

MNers I am SICK to death of all this being my 'choice'. I know that if I make things anything but easy for him, he will reduce contact massively and he won't think twice about telling dd that its all Mummy's fault.

I didn't have my Dad growing up and although dd now as my dh as a lovely SF, she deserves her dad and whatever he has done to me, I don't hate him enough to deny him our dd who is a wonder to behold!

I know it wont be my fault if he doesn't care enough about her health to make arrangements, I know it won't be my fault if he doesn't behave like a parent and do WHATEVER it takes to have a relationship with her....but it will be. No matter what happens I will get the blame in the long run. I will be the one who was difficult or kicked up a fuss or got all high and mighty or was unreasonable and it will be my dd that suffers one way or another.

YANBU. I find it utterly disgusting that these people don't care enough about their grand-daughter's health to stop smoking around her. What selfish people.

What would your ex do if you sat him down and said dd is having problems breathing at PIL's house. If your dd is saying this, then it is much more serious than being worried about smelling horribly smokey. And ex needs to acknowledge that if dd can't breathe then that is a very real and very bad thing. Dd also needs to tell her dad and the PIL when she is having problems breathing.

He is the one that is taking her into this dangerous atmosphere; he needs to start to come up with some solutions. If she has her own room at PIL, can she open the window in there and leave it open with the door shut to at least minimise smoke in there.

And he has to realise that there are going to have to be consequences if he takes dd into smokey places to stay - either she gets very ill or they go elsewhere or she stops staying overnight...

Does your dd have any thoughts?

Your ex and ILs won't listen to you, so perhaps they'll listen to DD. At the age of nine she's old enough to have her own opinions and it's a good time for ex and ILs to start to listen to her. This will be far more effective than you trying to get them to change their ways.

If she withdraws her visits, rather than you, they might take some action.

I can't subject my dd to their wrath by making her be the one to speak to her dad and his parents. They aren't the easiest of folk to 'disagree with'.

Does he realise his DD has breathing problems when she stays with him? Does he know she hates how she smells and won't go anywhere afterwards until she's had a bath?

Right, I've spoken to my ex who, amongst other things, says this:

'I know it's ridiculous. My Dad is literally on his way out he's smoking so much.'
'yes Im smoking but thats my own business, I don't do it where she can see.'
'I leave the windows open in her room'
'If she wont come to my parents then I have no way of seeing her'
'Smoke does not stay on carpets, car seats, curtains, clothes etc.'
'You're being a fucking bitch about this'
'They won't listen to me'

I told him I wasn't saying he could no longer see dd just that her health and well being were being affected by the arrangements. i told him that I felt embarrassed as a mother hat it took my 9 year old to say something for me to raise the issue again, that he too ought to be somewhat embarrassed as a father that it has got to this point.

He says he can't afford to pay for an alternative.

By the end of the conversation he said he had a few ideas as to where else he could stay with her but that he wanted to give his parents the chance to change their behaviour before taking away from them the time that they spend....when he goes out and laves her with them. No problem with them having her of course but for a man who barely sees his dd, you'd think he'd forego the nights out on the few weekends that he has her. no? (off subject I know but Im a bit riled up now).

And breathe.....

Quick he as been made very aware of all of this on numerous occasions. I think he;s just burying his head tbh

x posted

Gosh well done for speaking to him about it.

He sounds charming , but at least he is willing to speak to his parents. Just wait and see what he comes back with. He sounds like he is willing to try other things.

So basically the choices are:

A) suggest to xp that he stays elsewhere with your dd
B) upset your xIL's by telling them they have to come to you
C) risk your dd's health and future well being by continuing with arrangement?

Well as for A, if he let's one thing stop him seeing her he isn't worth considering B if the grand parents r too selfish to hold out for one sodding night then they not worth it either your dd deserves more, and C- well this is a huge risk to take for people who don't give a crap and worsening asthma and heart disease are real possibilities!!!

As fir you looking bad well without meaning to be horrible here well your not gonna look good whatever you do tbh so IMO I'd rather look bad with a healthy dd !!! :(

If he goes out in the evening when he has her, I wouldn't worry about your DD staying there tbh. I would let her go for the day [if they stop smoking] but have her brought home before he buggers offgoes out.

Oh and please don't let his bitch comment get to you!!! Your not, ur just trying to look out for your dd! And if he goes on at you again ask him this! " if he took her out and came to a building that had a notice on the door saying- warning contains 4000 airborne toxic chemicals including arsenic carbon monoxide and cyanide would he take dd in?" cos that's what he is doing taking her to his parents. You r in the right here!!!! :)

YANBU to want them to stop but YABVVVVU if you think you can force the issue.

Andromeda I don't know what you mean by 'force the issue' ?

It's a hard situation, the risks of smoking and asthma should be enough to make them keep away from her when smoking. Obviously it isnt though but I don't know what you can do about it.

Ds is 2.5 and has asthma and any family and friends who smoke never smoke around him, I don't have to ask it just goes without saying.

Could he go with you to her next asthma clinic appoinment and discuss the issue there? Perhaps that would help him see it's not just you being a bitch.

Sirzy He knows the issues, he really does, he had asthma as a child. It would be a shitty even if she had no health problems but to me the health problems should make the issue call the more obvious...clearly not

I know it's hard but is there any way she can make a big deal about using (or pretending to use) an inhaler every 5 minutes when she's there?

If him having asthma as a child wasn't enough to make them stop then nothing will is my guess!

Ithink lol....she'd have to get in character beforehand knowing my dd haha.

Im going to leave it to him and I'll let you know what happens, though having discovered that his aunt has two spare rooms and potentially he and dd will stay there on his overnights does beg the question, why he didn't look into this without me giving him a kick up the arse about it

YANBU !!!

Of all my relatives only MiL smokes and although she is not a heavy smoker by any means , when DD comes home from her house DH smells her clothes to make sure MiL hasn't been smoking around her . MiL would never smoke around DD , but if I ever thought she would , I would definitely make it clear I wouldn't allow her to stay somewhere she would be subjected to second hand smoke (DD also asthmatic) .

Yanbu, but I don't really know what you can do tbh. If they don't stop, you can't make them. If your dd is that bothered by it now I can imagine she won't want to go soon. I would take that route with exp. I would tell him what she has said and that she doesn't like smelling of smoke. Add onto that her health. See what comes of it, if he has the worry of her perhaps choosing not to stay when she is a bit older.
If they won't have it. I am not sure what you can do until she makes that decision. I don't know if smoking can be used as a reason to stop contact. If he went to court I mean. I honestly don't know if the court would use that as a consideration or reasonable reason. Its really difficult.

You're between a rock and a hard place, really.

You don't want her around the smoke (understandable) and you don't want her losing touch with Dad (understandable) and you're not going to have a lot of success as his ex attempting to prevent them from smoking in their own home.

Well, done the right thing in speaking to him about it. Sounds like it may have been productive conversation, despite the ill-feeling (which you can only ignore -he's your ex, so it doesn't matter).