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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

camping in the rain with dsc and their over protective mother

48 replies

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 20:42

This is the first time I have started a thread so a bit scared but need to have a rant!

Me, DP, my DS6, his DS12 and DD14 are due to go camping tomorrow with DP's brother and his family. The weather forecast is dire but we are still planning to go - we have rain macs, wellies and have found lots of indoor things to do. If it is a disaster we can always come home. I am not exactly an outdoorsy sort of person but have always had a great time when I've gone camping even if the weather has been bad.

DP has now gone to collect his DC. Earlier this evening he telephoned to check that they had packed everthing they needed and received an earful from his EXW - she said that DSS really didn't want to go because it was going to be wet and he would be cold and she was worried her children would get colds and be miserable. I think she wanted us to cancel the whole trip even though my DS and DP's brother's family would be let down

So....is she overly neurotic or am I being completely mad in going ahead with this trip??

DSS is a lovely kind lad but imo is completley over indulged by his mum and is rarely enthusiastic about anything unless it involves a tv screen. He is also hugely overweight as he does no exercise and his mum continues to buy him too many edible treats. She also lets him have a day off school for a tiny headache to the extent that she received a warning letter from the LA for his time off school. In short we have very different parenting styles!!

So what do you wise mumsnetters think?

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 05/06/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 05/06/2012 20:47

What do we think about what exactly? That her son is overweight? Or that this trip might be a bit of a mare?

AdventuresWithVoles · 05/06/2012 20:48

It would be a kind thing if you could still try to proceed & try to keep the bio-mum & her worries at arm's length (don't answer the phone, and only slowly reply to texts!). I would hold that thought in mind.

Do keep him warm, but would be lovely for the boy to have a different kind of experience, otherwise.

Sunscorch · 05/06/2012 20:49

Camping is more fun in the rain.

youarekidding · 05/06/2012 20:49

Up to So....is she overly neurotic or am I being completely mad in going ahead with this trip?? It was fine and I was thinking it was a bit of both

Unfortunatly your character assasination and complete slating of her parenting there after seems like it's a personal issue - you don't like her!

She probably thinks she is doing the best for her DS, but your DP needs to sort it out if her parenting is affecting her children's health/ education.

How old are your DP's brothers children? Is it that a 12yo would be bored as all the other children are 6yo ish?

I love camping but even I would not really enjoy the prospect of going in this weather. I would as the adult but as a teen who had the choice - not so much!

Proudnscary · 05/06/2012 20:50

I have a feeling this thread is going to be a bit drip feedy and a lot stealthily judgemental/critical of his mother.

So for that reason and in advance: YABU.

sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 20:51

YABU to be so judgemental about the mother IMO.

naturalbaby · 05/06/2012 20:53

You want to know if you should cancel a big family trip because a 12yr old has an over protective mother?
So long as you don't let him sulk/have a strop and ruin it for everyone then he might enjoy himself and you can feel smug in telling his mum how much fun he had.

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 20:53

His Dad reassured him that if he would be warm enough if he brought enough of the right sort of clothes and we will have electricity so could even take a heater (hardly roughing it!) so he is coming albeit grudgingly. I did suggest to DP that he points out that colds are viruses and you don't get them from standing in the rain!

I think if we have wellies and waterproofs it will be fine. And you never know, if I leave the suncream, shorts and sunglasses at home we might end up with a freak heat wave! Wishfull thinking!

OP posts:

hatesponge · 05/06/2012 20:55

Agree you are being judgy about the mother - and the children tbh. Is it really relevant to comment on the DS's weight?

There is no way I'd go camping irrespective of the weather, and I know both of my DSs (who are a similar age to the OPs DSC) would almost certainly loathe it and be a complete sulky nightmare. I'd be telling someone not to take them not because I'd be worried they would get ill, but simply to spare another adult the inevitable constant whinging!

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 20:56

Youarekidding, I do actually like her as a person, she is very pleasant but I don't think she is doing her kids any favours with her mollycoddling and DP and I have to deal with the consequences

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 05/06/2012 20:57

I disagree with not answering the phone - she will worry, and it's cruel to do that to her. She is also not the 'bio-mum', she is the mum.

I say go ahead, but be prepared to answer the odd phone call or send a text to let her know all is well. Even though you think she is over reacting, it is kind, to reassure her.

Also, imagine being in her position - with your dc going off to do an activity that you are not sure about, without you being there to ensure their well being. She might be a worrier, but it's a big thing having to entrust your dc to a step parent. I know their dad will be there and is primarily responsible, but in reality she is having to trust you too and possibly doesn't know you all that well.

As for the weight thing - i think that's between your dh and his ex to sort. If i were you, I'd not feed him lots of junk food at your house, but would steer well clear of getting personally involved in that particular issue. Leave it to his mum and dad.

Hope the weather is not too bad, for you.

sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 20:58

well she has to deal with the consequences of your gung ho and superior/condemnatory mentality

youarekidding · 05/06/2012 21:02

That's good you like her, it just came across like you didn't. I agree with others that the whole weight/ school issue just seems irrelevant. I also agree if true your DP does need to get involved with these. But the camping and this are 2 seperate issues. Even a slim 12yo boy with 100% attendence can have an overprotective mum iyswim?

Do you think it's her making him think he doesn't want to go as opposed to him saying he doesn't iyswim? Is that why you posted about that stuff?

(I know I seem to contradict myself but I hope you get what I'm asking?)

With regards to camping, I hope you have a good time and that heatwave appears

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 21:03

thanks karmabeliever. Dp would never not answer the phone to her and I think what you say is a probably a good insight into her concerns. We have taken them camping before and they had a really great time. 14 year old DSD is really excited about the trip so its not a teenage thing. I think he will be fine once he's there, its the thought of no tv or computer for a few nights probably!

OP posts:

notactuallyme · 05/06/2012 21:10

Wrt the weight - when did they separate? How much did your dp play a part in the dss getting fat? Its not just her issue.

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 21:12

I added in the stuff about the weight/school etc to give some background you are right it is completly irrelevant to the issue in hand. I do try to understand and not judge her but its blooming hard at times!

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 05/06/2012 21:14

Uh, yes the son has two parents, so why is the obesity issue being laid at the mother's door? Not that it's relevant anyway.

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 21:17

notactuallyme, they separated when he was just 5 (7 years ago), the weight has been an issue for about 4 years. DP has encouraged him to find a sport he likes to no avail so we try yo go on lots of walks to ensure he gets some exercise. Our diet is very balanced but its not much good when we only see him 3 days a fortnight and he has what he wants for the other 11 days .

OP posts:

sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 21:18

Some teens fatten up before a big growth spurt anyway. Plus some of them like computer games. I'm not sure that you've got a teen of your own? Your ds is younger and has 2 parents living together so it's different for him. You do sound judgy, I'm not sure if you've ever been a single mum or had to parent children after a divorce it's hard.
FWIW I wouldn't fancy camping in this weather it's quite cold as well as the wet. Nor would I relish the prospect of my dcs doing so. People just have different views about things and mothers do tend to worry when their children are away.

Original poster

sleepingflower · 05/06/2012 21:44

sarahseashell you couldn't have it more wrong, DS is not DPs son, I separated from my exH when DS was 23 months old and had 3 years being by myself before i met DP. ExH is a recovering alcoholic so wasn't much good for the first few years either. In contrast DP has always been hugely suppprtive of his exW and always there for his kids. Now who's judgy?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 05/06/2012 21:49

Camping is definitely more fun in good weather - being wet & miserable is a recipe for disaster & you have to be careful of carbon monoxide poisoning if you are going to use a heater. Personally in the circumstances you've described I would postpone the trip!

sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 21:59

still you because you seem to think your h wife has it so much easier and because you are judging her parenting and judging dss weight and lifestyle and therefore appear to think you are superior. At least you know how hard it is being a lone parent. I think it's bonkers camping in this.

Sassybeast · 05/06/2012 22:04

Camping in the rain is shit.

As is slagging off his mothers parenting skills.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/06/2012 22:42

To be fair to her, her son may well not want to go, so what is she supposed to do? I would have hated the idea of campin in the cold and wet when I was 12, what makes you think that this problem is down to the mother?

Is it because you disagree with other things she does? This time she could just be stuck in the tough position of having to listen to her son say he doesn't want to go, being able to understand why, but at the same time knowing that he should go to be part of the other side of his family.

What about his dd in all of this, why do you only mention the son?

Also, I think you should be the ones providing everything they need for a camping trip. Other than regular clothes and the normal stuff. If camping is not something they do regularly, then she may well not have had a reason to buy certain things otherwise. So it should be up to your dh to provide all that stuff.i know I've had to buy extra things for my son who's started camping with scouts that we have never needed before.

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