to have said this to my mum

[Tam22]

My mum and I were on the way to my house with my 11-week old daughter. I parked, put my daughter in her pram and mum offered to push it. As I was shutting the boot I turned round and mum was pushing the pram up a slight hill, towards a blind corner IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

I shouted at her to get onto the pavement, but it is such a tight corner, there are barriers on either side so she had to come back down the hill to do so. My road is a residential but reasonably busy through road with cars and motorbikes flying down it at all hours! My heart was pounding at this point.

I caught up with her and said 'please don't do that next time you're coming up this road alone with the baby' (she helps out a lot with her) and she sort of half acknowledged this. I can't actually remember what she said but it wasn't much. I think I then pointed out a car coming down the street at full speed, saying 'see what I mean, they don't look' to which she replied something like 'I know, I forgot where I was for a second'

As we went into the house I then said something like 'I feel really shaken by that mum' and she started shouting something like 'I've said sorry, what more do you want? Why are you still going on about it?' I replied very calmly and reasonably 'look she's my daughter, of course I'm going to worry when you do something like that'. Her (screamed) response was basically along the lines of 'I've raised children, I'm not a complete idiot, how dare you speak to me like this, I don't have to take it etc etc.' She was shouting so loudly that I said 'look I think you should go home.'

She then gave me a lecture about how I don't respect her and how I need to do some serious growing up as I have a child (?) and she was upset that I was banishing her from my house (no, just asked her to leave) and keeping her away from her adored grandaughter (was doing nothing of the sort), but to phone when I was ready to show my mother some respect. It felt like a massive overreaction and I was made to feel like the one in the wrong and an awful daughter.

Ok so, trying to be objective here, maybe I did say how worried I was about the incident one too many times, but I was genuinely shaken. She is my first child and I feel ridiculously anxious and overwhelmed with love for her. I just felt my mum needed to acknowledge how serious what she did was, then we could have moved on.

She is a wonderful mum and a fantastic grandmother, she adores my daughter and has been an absolute lifesaver to me in these tricky first weeks. I think the world of her and, apart from my husband, there is no one I'd usually trust more with my child. It was a silly mistake and it's not like I wanted to turn it into a massive argument, but I just couldn't help what I said. I really don't feel like I've done anything wrong, but prepared to hear your genuine thoughts...

I can understand the fact you got a fright and your blood probably ran cold

But I really do think it was overkill and your Mum probably felt embarrassed

She does kind of have a point in a way...she couldn't have done more than apologise and explain she wasn't thinking at the time.

I am sorry, but that was not just a silly mistake.

Who on earth would walk in the middle of the road up a hill with a blind corner, with no possibility to even get to a pavement?

Is your mother "mentally present"?
Do you have any concerns? Dementia?

Is there a wider context here? What is the history between you and your mum?

Your mum was probably very shaken too and took your comments badly because she already felt guilty.

I think you both need a little time to calm down and I think you probably should apologise. If you re-read your post you have acknowledged that it was a mistake, that you probably stated your worries once too often and that she is a great mum and grandmother so, yes you were shaken and it was a daft mistake but it's happened. Don't risk your relationship for this.

I would wonder about her mental health. Does that seem out of character? Particularly the shouting? Be mindful of her behaviour for a bit.. does she seem mentally alert and is her behaviour normal (for her)?

YANBU to have felt anxious about the road thing but maybe YABU to keep going on about it and ask her to leave the house rather than trying to sort it out there and then...

Sounds like a combination of you being a tiny bit PFB and your mum being sensitive probably thinking "I've really gone out of my way to help you over the past few weeks and this is the thanks I get" and possubly a bit guilty, and that's all come out in the way she responded.

Either way I'm sure you'll make it up soon.

I think she over reacted because she realised she was in the wrong and was cross because you were clearly upset (hence you made your point several times)

She was being overly touchy I think about having it pointed out, but as you've admitted, you probably overly pointed it out to her.

That could have made her as pissed off as you would be if she criticised your parenting, you do sometimes do things without thinking with your DC only to realise afterwards that it was dangerous.

With your own children you can rationalise it a bit more though, with a baby who she obviously loves and adores beyond all else it must have hurt to have it kept being brought up. (does she live in a place where you can walk down the street in the middle of the road and would be safe? It's easy to get into that mindset if you do)

I think you need to tell her the essence of your last two paragraphs, please don't let this spoil what is obviously a fantastic relationship between the three of you

Thanks for your responses.

No history, really, we have a very good relationship in general. I think I've probably been a bit snappy in the past few weeks as very sleep deprived with new baby, but I do always tell her how much I appreciate her. I really don't think there are any mental health probs, she is definitely very with it and only in her mid-50s, but has had a lot of (work and money related) stress lately, and is going through a bit of a rough patch, so is perhaps a bit more distracted and irritable than normal - i.e. neither of us are 100 per cent rational right now, but I still don't feel like I was in the wrong.

I totally get how it might have felt like overkill to her, especially if she was already embarrassed, but her response was so cool (and unapologetic - she actually didn't say sorry, even though she claimed 'I've said sorry') I wasn't sure she actually realised how serious it was.

Your mum would have been shaken by the whole thing too, and been angry with herself for putting her grandchild in danger. It's horrible to have your faults pointed out to you again and again when you know you have done something wrong, and you're already determined never to do it again.

I'm not excusing your mum's behaviour, but I completely understand why she reacted the way she did. Just let her calm down, then tell her exactly what you have written here. That she's a wonderful mum and grandmother, but that you were really worried by the incident and needed her to acknowledge what had happened.

And you are definitely not being unreasonable to be protective over your 11 week old daughter.

Has she got worries you may not know about which may have made her mentally distracted hence the walking in the road episode?
You are entitled to feel anxious about it and what has been said cannot be taken back but don't fall out forever over this.
Offer the olive branch once you feel able to speak to her and don't forget to tell her all those lovely things you said about her in the last paragraph of your post.
You won't always have her ............particularly if she keeps wandering up the middle of the road!!!!

Your were right to say something but not to kep going on about it, Your Mum said she was sory and explained that she forgot for a moment, It was a silly mistake ans she was probably as shaken up about it as you, You ned to phone your Mum and aplagise for keep going on about it explain to her that you were shaken up so over reacted,

you were absolutely right. it was an insane thing for your mum to do, the kind of thing you do once in a while when your thinking mind has taken a brief and unexpected vacation.
whenever your mum needs telling, or anyone, in order to keep your baby alive, its your job to do it.
you have done the right thing. keep doing it.
your mum might have started losing her marbles - mine are going, too - or she might just have had a blip. my guess is the pram and hill were too much for her.
as for her lecturing you, she's just trying to save face and needs to get over it.
don't leave her in charge of your baby. you've had one near miss, take it as an indication of what might be to come. keep half an eye on your mum and see how she's functioning otherwise.
and don't let her opinions affect you. what she did wasn't deliberate or evil but it could have led to the death of your child.

TBH I think you over-reacted. She did a silly thing, and you called her on it, she ackwonledged it.

but then you called her on it again, and it got heated. she probably felt like you were saying she wasnt a good grandma, and yeah she had three perfect children that she didnt manage to kill.

probably a little of you being a first time mum and her feeling bad about a genuine mistake.

i dont think its cause for keeping her away or having a prolonged fight. just give her a ring later in the week or whenever u were next to meet up and let it slide, or if needs be say sorry mum i was just shaken up, you remember having your first scare too.

YANBU. You've got a tiny baby, your reaction was normal, and your Mum was overly defensive because she knew she did wrong.

When my DCs were that age, I remember very clearly the animal/primal instinct to protect them. I would have ripped the windpipe out of anyone who put them in danger.

It's not that I don't feel like that now (DC2 is 9mo), it's just that the hormones and raw animal instincts have calmed down a bit now he's no longer a vulnerable newborn about to be eaten by the nearest passing eagle.

Apologise to your mum, blame the lack of sleep, but get her to acknowledge her mistake and watch her carefully for a bit, just in case.

FWIW, my MIL thinks I don't trust her with my two, she has just forgotten what it's like to be a mum to small DCs.

People are always angriest when they know they are in the wrong and/or are angry at themselves.

She sounds like a great mum/gm most of the time, it's not worth a prolonged row. Just keep a subtle eye out for any more erratic behaviour just in case. But I'm sure she'll be taking extra care from now on.

I think you overreacted to it, and a word at the time would have been enough. If she too has a lot on her mind, well she's probably got more to deal with now you just added to her stress.
I'd love my mum to help me out, but we live in Oz, and she's in the Uk.
I'm sure she was embaressed at the time and didn't need you to highlight it by going on and on.

Gotta love mumsnet. Someone (experienced with childcare and mature) gets upset about being lectured by the new mother of a pfb and people start talking about dementia and mental health issues. Bonkers.

OP overeacted. Wait until you do something stupid because you're distracted (and you will, you'll find out the baby can roll when she tumbles to the floor or something) and imagine how much worse it would be if you had someone going on and and on about it to you.
You should apologise.

Experience tells me that sooner or later you will make some ghastly mistake with your daughter that would have killed her if her guardian angels hadn't been quick enough off the mark. We all do sooner or later. And when that day comes you will be grateful if your partner/mother/triage nurse points it out to you once and then leaves off.

Your mother did wrong. She knows that. She is defensive because she knows she is in the wrong. Make it up with her and there is a good chance she won't do it again.

What blonderthanred said.

it's very hard to apologise when you're angry, abeit with yourself, and she was probably shaken up as well when she saw the car.
Tell her what you've told us.

your mum did a silly thing
you asked her not to, she agreed
why are you still banging on about it

what more do you want her to do, go down on bended knee and beg forgiveness?

I don't think you overreacted. Pushing a baby in the middle of a road, around blind corners is a really dangerous thing to do. People can't afford to be forgetful, or thoughtless when they are responsible for a child.

My mil used to do this when ds1 was a baby. She would always want to push the pram when we went out and was always trying to push it in the road. It meant I could never trust her to take my child out unattended - she really had no concept of safety. For this reason, I have never been able to leave my dc with my ILs. My dc love my mil very much, but they don't have the same relationship that they could have had, if I was able to trust her with their care.

I think you were both upset, but I think your mum over reacted.

To start shouting at you was ridiculous. Yes she was shaken too but she hasn't just given birth and having years of experience herself should have known you would need lots of reassurance that what had happened would not occur again.

I think that when you've done something really silly that has shocked you a bit you don't want to be told about it over and over. And if you're sure your mums ok it sounds as though she was just very embarrassed.

My mum who is in her 50's can do daft things at times because she gets all flustered. I remember once having a huge row with her because she left ds on the sofa when he was around 4 months while she went to answer the door and I thought he could role off.

I don't think you should ever ask your mum to leave your home, but then your mum should also not be screaming at you.

Give her a ring and sort it out.