to have said this to my mum

[Tam22]

My mum and I were on the way to my house with my 11-week old daughter. I parked, put my daughter in her pram and mum offered to push it. As I was shutting the boot I turned round and mum was pushing the pram up a slight hill, towards a blind corner IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

I shouted at her to get onto the pavement, but it is such a tight corner, there are barriers on either side so she had to come back down the hill to do so. My road is a residential but reasonably busy through road with cars and motorbikes flying down it at all hours! My heart was pounding at this point.

I caught up with her and said 'please don't do that next time you're coming up this road alone with the baby' (she helps out a lot with her) and she sort of half acknowledged this. I can't actually remember what she said but it wasn't much. I think I then pointed out a car coming down the street at full speed, saying 'see what I mean, they don't look' to which she replied something like 'I know, I forgot where I was for a second'

As we went into the house I then said something like 'I feel really shaken by that mum' and she started shouting something like 'I've said sorry, what more do you want? Why are you still going on about it?' I replied very calmly and reasonably 'look she's my daughter, of course I'm going to worry when you do something like that'. Her (screamed) response was basically along the lines of 'I've raised children, I'm not a complete idiot, how dare you speak to me like this, I don't have to take it etc etc.' She was shouting so loudly that I said 'look I think you should go home.'

She then gave me a lecture about how I don't respect her and how I need to do some serious growing up as I have a child (?) and she was upset that I was banishing her from my house (no, just asked her to leave) and keeping her away from her adored grandaughter (was doing nothing of the sort), but to phone when I was ready to show my mother some respect. It felt like a massive overreaction and I was made to feel like the one in the wrong and an awful daughter.

Ok so, trying to be objective here, maybe I did say how worried I was about the incident one too many times, but I was genuinely shaken. She is my first child and I feel ridiculously anxious and overwhelmed with love for her. I just felt my mum needed to acknowledge how serious what she did was, then we could have moved on.

She is a wonderful mum and a fantastic grandmother, she adores my daughter and has been an absolute lifesaver to me in these tricky first weeks. I think the world of her and, apart from my husband, there is no one I'd usually trust more with my child. It was a silly mistake and it's not like I wanted to turn it into a massive argument, but I just couldn't help what I said. I really don't feel like I've done anything wrong, but prepared to hear your genuine thoughts...

Although your mum did something very foolish, I think you were wrong to go on about it. Once you've made the point once, and she's accepted she was wrong and apologised, what do you achieve by going on about it? She is your mum, after all. It's not very nice being ticked off by one's own daughter.

Bringing up dementia was questioning why the gm acted irresponsibly in the first place.

Sounds like you went on too much tbh. She was upset already and you didn't need to say it again.

I don't think that the OP's mum over reacted. I suspect that this isn't the first time the OP has done this 'routine' on her mother.

The reason why I am siding with the mum is that I often experience this with DP. DP will remind me that I did something blonde and even after I volunteer an 'oops' DP will keep hammering on about it.

The OP told her mum that she did a dangerous thing. The mum acknowledged it. There was no need to treat the mum like an idiot by going on and on about the same thing.

Sorry, but if she´s so good with children-why the fuck was she doing what she was doing??!!

OP I would have been just like you.

I´d also have been shocked & disappointed that my mum could be so clueless/thoughtless/reckless.

Maybe you went on a bit-perhaps we´re the only ones on MN who don´t know when to stop by the sounds of things-but you´re mum certainly made it all about her at the end, didn´t she?

And phone her when you can show some respect??!!

It´d be a while for me, tbh.

I'd be 'going on' about it if someone did this with my 4 year old let alone an 11 week old baby! Going in the road round a blind corner isn't the same league as letting your baby roll off the bed or something. She might have bought up her own children safely but that doesn't make her immune from cars hitting a pram and killing her grandchild

I'd apologise for rubbing it in however as she probably shocked herself.

Whole lot of perfect people here who never ever do something stupid with their children. Perhaps you could give the rest of us some lessons?

What I was saying is there is a difference between doing something stupid and doing something wilfully life-threatening. Carry on walking your kids up the middle of roads if you want Joan.

I'd have reacted the same as her. When she acknowledged she did something wrong why didn't you just drop it? Instead of going on? The poor woman was probably feeling embarrassed, which led to her snapping at you. And that's also probably why you felt her response was cool, sometimes when I feel silly about doing something I tend to just want to forget it quickly rather than go into a massive heartfelt palarva!

She did do wrong, but you're wrong by making her feel like a naughty child over it all m

It´s not what I would class as stupid tbh.

She choose to walk on the road rather than the pavement.

Mind you, my ideas are obviously skewed as I´m a weirdo that walks a little further to use a crossing.

Diddl oh what a perfect person you must be eh! So full of self righteousness.

It wasn´t a mistake though-she chose to do it.

I don´t understand that tbh.

If that makes me perfect/self righteous, so be it.

Also, OP doesn´t want her to do it with her baby.

Is that wrong of her?

Should GM keep doing it because she´s looking after the baby to help OP out?

she did acknowledge her mistake though

I left a razor out and my baby got it and tried to put it in his mouth. DH went mad at me, it was SO awful as I knew full well I shouldn't have done it. I just didn't need him pointing out seven or eight times what a tit I was. My emotions were running high and we had a row.

We both got over it, we were both frightened and the row was the end result.

How come there's so many people on this god forsaken forum that put words into people's mouths.

No it isn't wrong of her, but the fact of the matter is the woman made a mistake, she obviously wasn't thinking properly. She doesn't deserve to be persecuted for it. You obviously have never made a mistake.

Humphrey my dog once got hold of my razor and chewed it to bits on the landing. He now seems to have developed a taste for them, I have to hide them from him

Funny how out of all the safe things in the house to play with, children and animals seem to choose the things they really shouldn't play with

She was probably being defensive as she knows it was a very stupid thing to do and she is probably very shaken.

I'd let the situation calm down and talk to her when your a bit more rational and explain she has to be very very careful on that bend, and always use pavements.

It was a really silly thing to do but people make mistakes at times. I bet she won't do it again she is probably very shaken & upset.

I can understand you being angry. I'd be the same.

diddl, noone has said it is wrong of the OP to tell her mother off- just that one telling-off is enough if the person accepts what you are saying

when dd was little I chose to let her go on a climbing frame that I privately thought looked a little difficult for her. She ended up in hospital in a coma. I was very grateful that dh did not spend those hours by the hospital bed repeating how bad it was of me to have made that choice. I knew.

But she'd have been feeling a shit load worse, if a car had come around that blind bend and killed the baby. She's not being persecuted - the OP just wants proper acknowledgement that this was a really stupid thing to do and proper reassurance that it will never happen again. Her mum (probably out of embarrassment) wants to minimise it, which isn't going any distance to make the OP feel her child will be safe in the care of her mother.

I will, thanks. Love walking in roads we do.

Self-righteous prissy pants.

Don't listen to whosepickles advice :) which is to let things calm down and THEN go back to the mum and have YET another conversation about why the OP thought her mum endangered her DC. The mums gets it!

If I do something dumb and get called on it, then of course I'm embarrassed. However that is not the important thing; the important thing is that I apologise and look like I mean it. It doesn't sound like the GM seemed particularly sincere.

My own mother does this - she does really dumb things without thinking, then when I call her on it she either says 'Well I'm SORRY' and stomps off or else she sort of vaguely says 'oh yes, sorry' and acts like it hasn't really happened. In the second case I feel compelled to check she's actually listening (often she stares in the other direction and pretends nothing's happening) and I suppose that gets construed as 'harping on'.

I can see why you got upset op.

By the way, am I the only one that thinks previous experience of childcare (usually 20-30 years previously) doesn't guarantee your current ability to care for a child? We all change over time - our response times get longer, we don't necessarily remember all the childcare 'rules' because we're not imposing them 24/7 in our own homes, we may tend to base opinions on advice which has now changed etc. Obviously there are lots of very capable DMs/DMILs out there who manage their GCs perfectly but I think a large proportion do also say things like 'My DCs were never this much hard work'....

Ooh self-righteous prissy pants I've never had any of those before

HRH puts it well. It's not BU to expect a sincere expression that she's done something wrong or how do you know she won't do it again and takes it seriously?

We all make mistakes (I dropped ds out of his sling onto laminate floor hoovering for eg.) but most of us would be very apologetic about it not just 'half-acknowledge' it like the op's mum.

I wasn't saying to have a go at her actually poosh I was saying to have a rational conversation and explain why she was upset. Which is actually quite a lot different.

What a good post from HRH.

I d think that OPs mum sounds dismissive of how OP felt.

That and telling her to grow up & shouting at her just sound awful.

"By the way, am I the only one that thinks previous experience of childcare (usually 20-30 years previously) doesn't guarantee your current ability to care for a child?"

I so agree with that!

I remember MIL wanting to take our toddler along a main road to see a friend.

She was faffing with the reins then put them down saying "he doesn´t need these, does he"?

Well yes, as he was at the time slipping his hand out of yours which was explained.

So she said to him(2yrs old)-but you won´t do that to Gran, will you?

Well, he might not have done-but we didn´t want to take the risk-or want her to take it either!

whosespickles - I know that you didn't mean that the OP should confront the mum again. :) The mum KNOWS she did something stupid. She doesn't need another conversation where the OP explains why she was concerned.