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Original poster

to tell my friend I don't want her to move

40 replies

neverknowinglyinterferring · 04/06/2012 16:58

My friend is planning to move from the South East to Scotland in October.

I don't want her to go, mainly because I'll miss her. But also, I'm not sure it's a good idea.

She has recently split up from her husband. He was a shit. However, she has lots of friends here and her children still see their father every other weekend and one night during the week.

If she moves 500 miles away, it will they won't be able to and I think they might resent her for that (they are 8 & 5).

She also has friends in Scotland but she is not currently working so it's not as if she's relocating for work, has a new partner etc.

I think she's moving to get away from the hurt etc but I think she might regret it.

I know it's none of my business what she does, and I'm not being judgey. Should I tell her my opinion? Or keep quiet?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/06/2012 17:02

She must have her reasons for moving, and moving to get away from hurt is not neccesarily a bad thing. Sometimes a new start can be very helpful.

However I think it is very selfish of her to move her children away from their Father. Whatever he has done, it's not her kids fault and they shouldn't be punished for what went on between their parents.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 17:04

Wait til you're asked. And, it's Scotland, not Australia, she can come back if she's not happy there and you can visit her/she can visit you while she lives there. :)

The DC won't resent mum for moving but they may resent their dad if he doesn't maintain an effort to see them. That's down to him, his ex can't be expected to plan her life to convenience him.

FWIW I moved a very, very long way away to escape memories and the pain of loss. I kept in touch with people and I returned to the area I'd left after a couple of years (to find that nothing much had changed in my absence!). At the time I just needed to get away and would probably been a bit miffed with a well meaning friend who tried to persuade me otherwise with unsolicited advice. If you want to comment, bide your time. :)

longjane · 04/06/2012 17:12

is allowed to go Scotland ?
Scotland have different laws and you not allow to just up and take your kids out of england and wales /
so her husband might go to court and she might not be allowed.
this of course might be why she is going

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 17:15

It is her life and I would bet she has very good reason for wanting to make a fresh start. You will miss her but you will be able to visit each other. Don't try and talk her out of it, just tell her that if it doesn't work out, she can always come back.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/06/2012 17:20

The dc won't resent their Mum for moving but they might resent their Dad if he doesn't maintain an effort to see him

You can't possibly know that. I get on fine with my Mum, but I think Sheena's very selfish when she moved me away from the area i was brought up in and where my Dad lived, and we only moved two hours away. If she had moved me to the other end of the country, I wouldn't have forgiven her. My Dad did maintain contact with me, and he didn't treat myMum as well as he should have done, but none of that was my fault and my Mum shouldn't have moved me away from my Dad. Im 32, and still feel that very strongly.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 17:20

"Scotland have different laws and you not allow to just up and take your kids out of england and wales"

Not so. The Childrens Act doesn't impose any restrictions on relocation within the UK (thank god) per se but a court might impose restrictions or conditions upon application.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 17:24

The dc won't resent their Mum for moving but they might resent their Dad if he doesn't maintain an effort to see him

You can't possibly know that.

Outraged, of course I can't possibly know. I said that it "might".

Olympia2012 · 04/06/2012 17:27

What about their school? Friends? Extended family?

Quite selfish imo

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/06/2012 17:28

When referring to their Mum, you said wont. Not might. won't.

And my response was mainly to that, not to how they would feel about their Dad. I think parents who tell themselves that children are flexible/adapt well/won't resent etc are kidding themselves because that what they want to believe. Like my (lovely) Mum did.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 17:34

Ah, so I did Outraged. Sorry. I re-read my post 4 times before I spotted what you were talking about.

I'll change it. The DC may quite possibly not resent their mother. It's equally possible that they may resent their father if he doesn't maintain an effort to stay in contact etc etc.

I can counter your anecdote by saying that my mother didn't move us far enough from my father when they divorced. :)

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 17:38

But all this is kind of immaterial isn't it? never's question was should she speak up, to which my answer remains no, not until or unless she's asked. I'm basing this on how I would have reacted to someone challenging me on my own decision. A comment such as Olympia's, for example, would not have been received well.

Original poster
neverknowinglyinterferring · 04/06/2012 17:51

She would normally ask my opinion. I am quite sensible and she is known to throw herself into things much more. Usually, I am the 'are you sure about this' voice.

The fact that she hasn't asked leads me to suspect that she knows actually what I will say and doesn't want me to (I think)

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 04/06/2012 18:40

If the father objects and goes to court for s prohibited steps order then my comment re school,/friends/extended family will be the same questions asked by the courts!

Olympia2012 · 04/06/2012 18:41

Well received or not, the onus will be on the mother to prove it's in her child's best interests.... But with no job, what will she do to prove that?

boredandrestless · 04/06/2012 18:48

Is she just thinking of moving or are the wheels in motion.

My ex was a shit too but no way could I move to another country, he's even not that fab a dad IMO but my DS loves him and I would never come between them, in fact I have actively encouraged and bent over backward regarding contact.

I can't imagine why she would put all that distance between her dcs and their dad when they currently have regular time together, and I can't imagine him not going to court to stop her doing so either!

Olympia2012 · 04/06/2012 19:20

Is there a court order already in place?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2012 20:25

"I know it's none of my business what she does, and I'm not being judgey. Should I tell her my opinion? Or keep quiet?"
There is a third option - just ask her why exactly she is moving such a long way away. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, with no implied criticism in the question. She's not moving for work reasons, she doesn't have family up there; so if it were me, I would ask.

Original poster
neverknowinglyinterferring · 04/06/2012 21:08

I think it's a housing issue. She's just decided that she could afford a decent family house up there, but not down here I think.

Her husband doesn't know. I don't know when she's planning on telling him.

Are the courts allowed to stop her moving?

OP posts:
smokeandglitter · 04/06/2012 21:13

Yes, do speak up. If my friend was worried about me moving I'd want to know, or I wouldn't be able to take their worries into consideration. You're clearly a loving friend if you want to tell her, so go ahead. Smile She may have not thought it through realistically, as you say perhaps to move away from the hurt. We don't know her, or how she's reacted to the divorce. Have that conversation and know whatever happens you were honest with your feelings to your friend, and she'll probbably respect you for that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2012 21:27

OP, there are many areas of England where housing is cheaper than in many areas of Scotland. What you're saying here, effectively, is that she's moving on a whim/misinformation. You really do need to need to ASK her why she's moving, and get HER explanation. It may prompt her to rethink what she's doing.

JeezyPeeps · 04/06/2012 21:45

So you don't want her to go, so you are trying to find reasons for her to stay?
Scotland isn't so far away, really. As she has friends there I assume she's been before, she knows where she is going - maybe it is something she has always wanted to do, and now she is single she has the opportunity?

I think you should be being more supportive, really. Let her know that you miss her, and if you wish tell her your reasons for not wanting her to go (which are all ifs and buts and nothing concrete, really), but Scotland is a great place. I know many English people where I live that would never chose to live back in England, because the way of life here suits them better. Of course I also know people that have moved here and not lasted all that long before they headed back! It's not for everyone, but courts aside, if moving to Scotland is something that she thinks will help her move on or be happier, then why wouldn't you want that for her?

If it doesn't work out, then she'll be able to move back just as easily as she moved away.

skybluepearl · 04/06/2012 23:07

The kids will adapt, even if it takes a year or two. I'ts also probably the best time to relocate with having no man in tow. Is moving to Scotland something she has always wanted to do? Yes parts of it are completely stunning and most of the housing is much more affordable. It is a long way though! Quick by plane though and not too expensive. Maybe she is trying to escape and draw a mental line under her last relationship, can you talk to her about it?

redwineformethanks · 04/06/2012 23:29

Scotland is brilliant. We have haggis and deep fried Mars Bars and everything. She might love it here. If she hasn't discussed it with you and you think that's because she knows that you might try to dissuade her, then I think you know that you shouldn't interfere. If it doesn't work out, she can always head South again

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2012 23:50

It really doesn't matter how brilliant Scotland is (and I say that as a Scot). Moving from one end of the country to the other is an upheaval, and expensive. Hell, it's an upheaval and expensive moving 10 miles! It's not something to be done without good reason. OP's friend is apparently not moving TO something, but attempting to move FROM something. And that something is intangible, and likely to make the move with her. So all that upheaval and expense is likely to be for nothing IMO.

Snorbs · 05/06/2012 00:14

Her ex will have Parental Responsibility for the children, as does she. As such she is supposed to discuss the big stuff that affect the children with him and schooling is part of that. He could apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to stop her from moving on the basis.

If she was moving because of work commitments then the court would almost certainly allow her to go. Or if she had no support where she was and was struggling, but had lots of family support where she's planning to go.

On the face of what you've said, though, it's quite possible a court would regard a move to Scotland as unreasonable as it doesn't offer any significant benefits to the children but an awful lot of disruption. Most importantly it will make the current contact arrangements between the father and the children all but impossible.

A court could judge that her primary motivation might be more to do with limiting contact than anything positive. The fact that it will be a move to a country outside of English family court jurisdiction would also be a factor as well.

She needs to be careful. It's not impossible she could find herself in Scotland but her children ordered back to England to continue with their current schooling and to live with their dad.