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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In asking him to commit to visits?

32 replies

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 12:43

I don't want to go into the details but DS has never seen his father.

He is now 3 and his father has asked to see him this summer.

I asked him what his plans were regarding the visits as there is some distance between us so I know it's not going to be easy to make it a regular thing.

Given the fact he had thus far refused all contact and didn't want to hear personal details or see photos I was surprised by this request. I was concerned that it was going to be a one off as a way of satisfying his curiosity tbh.

I simply asked if he wanted to work towards building a relationship or If it is a one off. But this seems to have pissed him off and they are saying I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 12:47

It depends on whether you said it out of genuine concern, or by way of a dig.

If it was the latter, perhaps that pissed him off (though to be fair it shouldn't really)

Who are 'they'? Does he have a wife or do you mean his parents?

anastaisia · 04/06/2012 12:49

YANBU

If he doesn't even know/can't tell you if he wants one visit or to start to try and build a relationship with his son how can you support your very young child? He can't just breeze in and out of his life when it suits him.

Corgito · 04/06/2012 12:49

YANBU. But he's answered your question. It's going a 'when I feel like it', 'when I can be bothered' curiosity-satisfying arrangement and, as such, it's up to you to decide if that would be better for your DS or worse than not seeing this man at all.

Meglet · 04/06/2012 12:51

yanbu. For the sake of your DS you need to establish some ground rules before he starts contact again. I'm sure it will be tricky but there must be some middle ground.

You need to know whether he is just likely to swan in and out of his life within a few weeks. He can't just pitch up, play Dad, then go without saying when he will see him again.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 12:52

Well, it wasn't a dig. But I guess he may have seen it as that.

He does have a wife yes.

I asked out of genuine concern. I want him to see DS. I've offered it countless times and I was surprised by the request. I just wanted to know his intentions really.

OP posts:
lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 12:54

YADNBU, he is all the way.

If you are gong to allow him contact which I would be wary about as in my opinion a shaky nrp isn't a good thing.

I would on your terms set up supervised days and times and not introduce him as dad straight away, and see if he can stick to it for 6 months. Then and only then would I allow him a bit more free reign.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 12:55

Lots of cross posts.

Yes I'm frightened of him doing it all to suit him as its always been. I want to know if he's putting DS's interests ahead of his curiosity.

He has said he'd not thought it through but I can't understand that. If he's decided he'd like to see him, surely he would know if it was a one off or not?

But I'm unreasonable in askin him his plans. And if I make it difficult they won't bother.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 12:57

YANBU, make sure when he stops sulking that he tells you exactly what his intentions are and set out some sort of visitation rota.

That way you all know where you stand.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 12:59

Well, is it possible to have a situation where he can see the child without committing to regular visits, but without actually explaining that he's your son's dad? Maybe leave that bit of information out until he's ready to commit.

lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 13:00

This is why you HAVE to set up proper arrangements. Why let him satisfy his curiosity? Heir on the side of caution. Why shoudl you give him the opportunity to satisfy his curiosity.

That is his SON, should be the most important thing in the world to him, and he hasn't bothered for 3 years. He should be coming to you with everything on the table, a plan, promising the world to your son. Anything less just isn't good enough for your ds imo.

I have been through this all myself.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 13:00

Also, I'm concerned because he is saying it will all depend on how the first meeting will go.

That's very unrealistic and not fair to put that pressure on the first ever meeting.

DS is shy. He will not be told who they are but I know he will not interact with them. He takes a while to warm up to strangers. So then what? Because DS didn't even look at him there won't be another meeting? I'd never ever tell DS if that was the case but what if he did when he was older? It's a huge amount of rejection IMO.

OP posts:
lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 13:02

Also, I'm concerned because he is saying it will all depend on how the first meeting will go.

That would be enough for me to tell him to forget it. Unbelievable.

lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 13:03

And imo his wife should be ashamed to be with a man like that.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 13:03

I agree apocalypse. DS won't know he is his father and they have agreed to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 13:06

Lalaland - it's things like that that are making me uneasy. If he'd simply said "I want to get to know my son" we could have easily worked towards it. But it's the hinting that if I don't behave, that if it isn't easy the whole deal is off and my son is deprived of a father. That is something they know upsets me.

And his wife is a whole other thread. I honestly don't want to drag it all into this though.

I just needed to clarify I'm not being a controlling witch.

OP posts:
Corgito · 04/06/2012 13:13

"it will all depend on how the first meeting will go"

So if DS doesn't come up to scratch, he'll drop him again? The saying is 'you don't pick your relatives'.... you certainly don't pick your children. But your DS (via you) has the advantage that he doesn't have to be subjected to this very 'conditional' man.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 13:23

I know corgito :(

I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, I'm so scared they will inflict him to all sorts of emotional crap but on the other, I don't want to stand in the way of my son having a father.

OP posts:
Meglet · 04/06/2012 13:30

But he's not 'having a father' if his Dad is going to behave like that anyway. It's not like test driving a car FFS Sad.

madmouse · 04/06/2012 13:40

If it depends on how the first meeting goes he doesn't realise that contact is for ds's benefit and not his and he has fuck all idea what it will be like for a small shy person to meet someone new. I would not let it go ahead.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 13:55

I know :(

I just don't want it to hurt DS or for him to blame me but ultimately, I do think they aren't ready to put DS's needs above their own.

I think I may need to just say its not in DS's best interest to do it this way. They have threatend me with the legal route. I actually think its not a threat as far as I am concerned as things wont be done to their rules. If they want to go the legal way I think he will be shooting himself in the foot really. And I would hope DS would have his needs considered more.

OP posts:
lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 14:19

Sweetheart I'm living in your shoes. My ds is 4 and his dad hasn't been near since he was 6 months old. It bloody hurts, I get the where's my daddy questions. I've told ds his dad just lives very far away and some children only live with their mums. But he doesn't understand. I figure he doesn't really know any different. For the record I also have an 18 year old nephew who has never known his father (my sister and I know how to pick them), and he doesn't seem to have been damaged by it he's a great kid, and has never blamed his mum.

If your ex goes down the legal route then he will have to stick to dates and times. Stick to your guns don't let them emotionally bully you.

I think a good way to go forward would be to give him regular contact, somewhere neutral perhaps with a trusted family member there too to support you. And if it were me it would be without his wife at first, if he can be consistent and show he is fully commited then great. If he does go through the courts you have absolutely no worries anyway as you are not witholding contact. And the courts aren't just going to pack a shy child off for a week with a parent they've never met, they would basically offer what I've just described anyway.

Best of luck.

Squitten · 04/06/2012 15:14

Let them go down the legal route! At least it will all be formalised and if he doesn't live up to his end of the deal, it will be evident. I highly doubt that, if he's that unwilling to commit to it at this stage, he'll be bothered to go to all the hassle of doing it in court.

Stand your ground NOW so that you're not left unravelling a bigger mess later on. You can't just dump a child in front of a stranger, father or not, and expect them to perform on cue. They sound really unpleasant.

Squitten · 04/06/2012 15:16

And your son does not require "a Father". He might benefit, however, from "a GOOD father".

I wish women would remember that distinction.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/06/2012 15:21

You're right of course squittin.

I think I'm just concerned I am not enough and he should have his dad around.

But given the kind of man he's turned out to be maybe it isn't such a bad thing that he's not bothered.

I will leave my reply for a few days as I'm so cross its not going to be pretty if I do it now!

I think I will state that I HAVE to know what his intentions are regarding contact and that if he cannot ex

OP posts:
AKE2012 · 04/06/2012 15:22

Im in a similar position. My childs father was in their life for the first few years but for the last five hes been in n out when it suits him. I explained to my child at the start of the year that her dad wont b seeing her coz of the way he treats her. He was meant to phone every week and visit once a month but never stuck to it. Yesterday she asked to see him again and im not sure if its a good idea.
Wat i would do if i was in your situation id either get him to come over for a few hours so that he can meet and spend time with your child or meet at a cafe or play area. I wouldnt let him jus waltz into your life and start making demands. Its got to be slow and steady so that ur child doesnt get confused.
It sounds like u want wats best for your child and thats the way every parent should be.