Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I shouldn't be punished for saying no to this?

29 replies

TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:19

Two days ago, my friend dropped a last minute request on me to do something today. It didn't seem like a big deal thing, she even said she was planning on doing this thing whether I went with her or not. I told her I would let her know this morning, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to make it or not.

This morning, I have discovered I am not able to make it. I have told her this. She has got into one of those silent strops with me, and is apparently punishing me for not coming with her by not responding to text messages, and being arsey about it when she does reply. I should say that she is usually a prolific texter and so it is quite obvious when she doesn't reply for ages.

I wish I wasn't one of these people who feels guilt about these things, but I do feel bad that I am not able to do this with her today. She was happy at the time that I wouldn't be able to let her know until today whether I was able to come, but I suspect she assumed I would go, I usually do but have no CC to cover me, and this is not the kind of thing I want to take DS and DD to.

I think she's being childish and knows she can't have a go at me for not going, so she's punishing me with silence because she knows I'll feel bad.

AIBU for thinking I've done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
MissMogwi · 04/06/2012 11:23

If you said you wouldn't know if you could go until this morning then no, YANBU and she sounds like hard work.

Don't worry about it, let her have a sulk and you just get on with your day Smile

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 11:25

maybe she isnt punishing you with silence.. and is actually busy, doing whatever it was that she wanted to do with you... stop sending her texts!

rhibutterfly · 04/06/2012 11:27

I have a friend like this and i also have major guilt complex, but am learning with age, you cannot please everyone all of the time so Tough xx

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:28

I haven't been sending her many texts, three I believe, discussing alternative times.

She is being arsey about it.

Did you miss where I said she is a prolific texter? I know my friend, I know this is her trying to punish me.

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 04/06/2012 11:29

Yanbu, now rise above it and pretend not to care (stop texting- after all YOU are busy), within a short time I bet you'll find yourself actually not caring!

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:31

I'm not texting as such, if she sends something I will reply and that's it. The gaps between her texts are what's noticable.

I feel bad about not going, but as she herself said, she doesn't need me to go, she just wanted me to.

I will rise above. :)

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 11:33

What squeaky said, it's probably more noticeable because she is busy and boot texting.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 11:33

I know you said she is a prolific texter, but on this occasion perhaps she actually is busy. You did say she said she was going to go whether you went or not.

valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 11:35

Again, what squeaky said Grin

TheRhubarb · 04/06/2012 11:36

Look, you can't go. What does she want you to do? Leave the kids alone in the house whilst you went with her? What does she want from you? Does she think she ought to come first in your list of priorities whilst your kids come second?

Yes it is disappointing for her but do you act like this if she lets you down? You say you hardly ever let her down, so she knows this is genuine. To be honest I would text her saying that I don't appreciate the guilt trip or the sulks, family comes first and if she can't accept that then perhaps she ought to get another friend. Or alternatively just ignore her and don't respond to her texts either.

I hate childish behaviour like this. It's extremely petty. You've already texted her 3 times to try and make alternative arrangements, so you've given her the go-ahead to ignore you. Why try and appease her? Again, would you expect her to do this? Would she feel guilty if she let you down and would she then feel guilty all day and try to make it up to you? You are allowing this by your own behaviour. So don't text and don't make alternative arrangements.

It's called life and she can't handle life's little let downs then she's a bloody child and needs to grow up. And you need to get a bit of backbone.

wizzler · 04/06/2012 11:36

Switch your phone off for a while...

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:36

She isn't out yet.

It's the combination of how arsey her texts are (when she sends them) and the frequency of them.

That's kind of a besides/red herring though, the fact is she is punishing me for not agreeing to her plans, despite that she knew all along that I wouldn't be able to give her an answer until today.

OP posts:
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 04/06/2012 11:36

Perhaps she is just upset and following the advice "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and once she is over her disappointment that you couldn't attend she'll be back to her usual prolific self?

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:37

Thank you Rhubarb. You are right.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 11:38

I think it's very easy to read things into texts that aren't there - does that make ANY sense? Confused It does in my head Grin

frankie76 · 04/06/2012 11:38

U both sound a tad childish
Stop texting her too
Punish you ?? How old is she?

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:39

Do I sound childish? What makes you say that frankie?

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:40

It makes sense valium, but I know what she's doing. She's done it before. She's a very good friend, but she's not able to cope very well when things don't go her way.

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:40

Oh, she's 28 frankie.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 11:45

So turn the phone off and let her have a strop - just ignore her. I think texting tends to make us all into 12 year olds again imo Wink

TheRhubarb · 04/06/2012 11:46

Because Tidy, someone can only punish you if you allow them to.

You have already tried to make amends, you are spending time on Mumsnet beating yourself up about it and really there is no need. You are punishing yourself even if she wasn't.

Forget about it. Go and be with your kids. Do something lovely with them. Forget about this so-called friend, she obviously isn't bothering much about you is she?

Original poster
TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 11:49

Again, thank you Rhubarb. :)

Can't turn the phone off, but will ignore any messages coming from her, will blame you val. Wink

OP posts:
PaulineCalf · 04/06/2012 11:56

Your friend needs to grow up.

I suggest that you make it v clear to her that her sulking will not wash with you. She sounds manipulative.

Sometimes my friends have to cancel plans we have made for one reason or another. I don't go all moody on them. Because I'm an adult.

I can't abide childish behaviour such as this.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 04/06/2012 12:06

I could have written this last week.

A friend told me they wanted to go out for the afternoon, knowing I was busy in the morning. Asked what time I would be finished. I replied that I wasn't sure but unlikely to be before 1:00 before I could leave my morning activity.

End of conversation. No time arranged. No place. No activity.

Next day 1:30 I get a text 'where are you I'm bored'. I replied that I was having a working lunch. Got arsey reply about her having to get lunch on her own. More arsey replies then she went to town on her own at 2:30, just as I was leaving my morning activity.

Have also had to tell her that I can't make a day trip in a couple of weeks for genuine reasons. She had already manipulated the plans to make sure I would be able to drive us all.

I am now on silent treatment. I know how you feel.

We were also looking into holidaying together. I can get a (virtually free) holiday with my tesco vouchers. She doesn't have much saved and possible destinations are either too far for her to drive or would cost her too much (because of my choice to pay with vouchers).

Can't d.iscuss it with her cos of silent treatment (and she does have other things coming up which mean she won't be free to discuss for a couple of weeks when she starts communicating again). As things stand I'd be happy to go on my own...but if I book (and I really do need to book ASAP) without at least discussing options and telling her I'm going alone then I'm going to get even more silent treatment.

I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

You may say that the friendship isn't worth it but it is one of very few good friends I have, and we very rarely disagree with each other (although often has these childish silks with others).

HildaOgden · 04/06/2012 12:13

I really hate texting for exactly this reason,it causes more mind games and dramas than it solves.

Does anybody actually talk to their friends anymore?(I'm not having a dig at you,TidyDancer,just a general observation).With texting,people read...and re-read... things and generally project what they imagine the other person means.

Let her sulk this time.The next time,give a quick phone call to arrange/cancel arrangements.Honestly,it cuts out all this crap and stops you dragging it with you for far longer than it warrants.

Swipe left for the next trending thread