to think that DH needs to rethink his career choice?

[Puffykins]

DH works full time doing a job which he used to love. It's in the arts, it's all he's ever done since graduating, he's good at it. However, it is very badly paid, and very time consuming: late nights, weekends etc. He's working the entire Jubilee bank holiday weekend - and he won't get home 'til 10 or so tonight. I can't remember the last weekend when he didn't work at least one day - oh, and it's not that he ever gets around to taking his supposed days in lieu.
We have DS, 22 months, and I am 8 months pregnant. I also work - I want to, but even if I didn't want to I would have to because his salary doesn't pay enough to support our family (by which I mean run a car, pay the mortgage and bills, feed and clothe us - I'm not talking fancy holidays etc.) I am fortunate in that what I do can be done from home, on a freelance basis. Mostly, I love what I do, but there are assignments that I accept simply because we need the money. I pay the mortgage and council tax, approximately half of the food shopping, all my own expenses and for everything that DS needs (clothes, swimming lessons, creche fees, any further childcare that I need in order to be able to work.) DH pays for the car, other bills, the other half of the shopping, and occasionally gives me money when I run out.
I do all the housework, all the childcare etc. and work. I wanted to do this - although, in truth, I didn't actually know it would be this hard. And I feel like something has got to give. I don't think DH even enjoys his job as much as he used to - he's constantly stressed, and ever when he is at home he's endlessly on the phone to people about work, and worrying about it. It hasn't always been like this - the past six months have been particularly bad - and of course those six months have coincided with my being pregnant.

Truly, I'm sick of his job. I'm lonely, bored, exhausted - the past few evenings out I've had planned have had to be cancelled because at the last moment he hasn't been able to get home in time. Some of these are work related (I may be able to work from home, but I still need to network/ at least attend the odd industry event so that people remember I exist) and I fear that my career is suffering. I haven't been able to get a babysitter at the 11th hour, and anyway, I can't always afford it. Admittedly, the past couple of days have been particularly bad because DS has chicken pox, so we can't see anybody or even really go anywhere, except the park. In the rain. And of course this state of affairs will continue for as long as the chicken pox does. I love DS almost more than life itself, and he's an easy child and loving and giving and only has the occasional tantrum - but I miss DH! And I thought that marriage was supposed to be a partnership! And I find weekends/ bank holidays particularly hard because my friends are with their families etc., and I go to the park/ walk down the street and see husbands and wives together, and I just wish that DH were at home.

And there are other things that he could do - his skills are transferable, and he's actually qualified to do something which would earn him a whole lot more money, and which would be fewer hours, but he doesn't want to do it because he finds it boring. I obviously don't want him to do something that he hates, but there has to be a compromise, surely? We haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon, because he can't take the time off work, apparently. (Despite his having 30 days per year in his contract.) This hasn't been an easy pregnancy - I've had bad ante-natal depression (a lot of which I think has to do with my simply being incredibly lonely) and it hasn't been complication-free either - I was in hospital last weekend (the one day he wasn't working) because my placenta started bleeding (it stopped again, fortunately.) Maybe this is colouring my current point of view, but, seriously, am I being unreasonable to think that he needs to prioritise his family?
Oh - it's not like he's suddenly going to be promoted and start earning loads. He's pretty much earning as much as he can in what he does. I could accept the bad pay if the hours were better, and I could accept the hours if the pay was better (I'd be able to afford more support) but both together . . . . ?

Putting aside the low salary, the job doesn't sound family friendly at all. I think now that he has a young family and since he is lucky enough to have transferable skills, I agree with you! He should be looking to change jobs.
Is he maybe scared of change?

Well, I think you need to talk to him. Sit him down and tell him what you have told us...

Sounds like long term that its not going to work - however, its very hard to leave a job if you've not been pushed.

I know its very hard at weekends when you are alone with small dcs. Luckily, my dcs are older, so weekends are easier (playdates etc), but its a lonely time.

Do you have family to go to?

I work in retail and have seen many men put under pressure from the business to be one way, and from their wives to be another

the busines demands weekends/bank hols/late nights, which are all considered 'family times' so the partners demand this time also

there are certain industries which are vocational, you have to be a certain type of person to work in them and then tethering that person to a job they hate can be very damaging to them so you can pretty much accept that these are the terms of his employment and his chosen career so you make the best of them, or you put a lot of pressure on him, which compounds the pressure he is under at work

also, this is not a great time to be looking to change careers -employing someone is an expensive processand employers are much less willing to take a chance on someone with limited or no experience -I know you say your your DH is qualified to do something else, but how long ago was that training?

IME you have preschool children so you need to let go of the weekend thing -does it really matter if you have a family day on a tuesday rather than a saturday?
you say you can work from home so can you not plan more of your work around his schedule? I understand you have industry events to attend but I would expect if he is given notice, and you are supportive when he does have to work late, he will be able to plan in and be there to support you

Thank you for your comments.

Blue2, yes, I do have family, but they're 5 hours drive away, so I can't just drop in . . . I go for the odd weekend. Thank you for offering the light at the end of the tunnel though.
Workshy - I agree, what DH does is vocational. I'm not asking him to do something that he hates (the thing I mentioned that he is qualified to do) - but to think of doing something else which he would be qualified to do because of transferable skills. And I know that the job market is tough. I'm not expecting miracles. But if you don't try . . . .
And yes I worry that I'm putting him under pressure too, as well as the pressure he's under at work. I generally try not to. Sometimes it's easier than at other times. I'm not managing brilliantly at the moment, what with being heavily pregnant and DS being ill etc.
And in response to my work, I do give him notice, and he still lets me down at the last minute because something happens with his work (the nature of it is not necessarily predictable) and he has to stay late. And if only we had the odd family day on a random Tuesday. He never gets around to taking his days in lieu. So he ends up working 6/7 days a week, just because. And on the one day that he might have at home, he's (understandably) exhausted.

Sounds to me like there are compromises to be made for family life and you are making all of them, I wonder if your DH realises that he's actually being very selfish.

You need to tell him

Smoggii, that's exactly it, I feel like it is me making all the compromises.
Sorry for the drip feed, but . . . When DS was born, DH was freelance. He remained freelance for the first 6 months of DS's life. It worked well - he managed his time, I managed my time, I could schedule meetings and appointments etc. for days when DH was working from home, he had time off which we spent together . . . . And then he got offered this job and took it. And I just don't feel that it's working. I don't know if his returning to being freelance is the answer, though, either. Our income was somewhat unpredictable when we were both freelance. And there's about to be another baby . . . . Just, now, I feel under pressure to earn x amount per year and yet don't have the necessary support to put in the necessary groundwork - meetings, appointments etc. - to earn this. Which increases my anxiety. So I'm lonely and depressed and anxious. Maybe I was being naive to think that I could maintain my career with children. It worked well initially, but now . . . . So I guess that my quibble with DHs career is as much about that as it is about the lack of family time.

can't he go for few years towards more family friendly career and you two have this agreement that in the next few years he will have option to go back to his old work once your kids are bigger and you will be earning more/

I hope he also wanted second child - how is he going to support you and them in a few years time - financially and emotionally?

He very much wanted DC2!

I work in the arts. It can be v demanding, the pay reflects the fact that people love what they do, and organisations rely on personal investment to get by... And it's particularly tough at the moment.

That aside it seems to me the problem is less with what he does than how he does it.

You need him to step back and see the bigger picture irt to family life. Dithch the presenteeism, and recognise your career too. Problem could easily be the same in another job.

Sounds to me like there are compromises to be made for family life and you are making all of them, I wonder if your DH realises that he's actually being very selfish

Selfish....and employed.

Yanbu to think he should be considering alternatives. To be fair though, I'm not surprised the poor fella is exhausted! DH works contracted ha ha 42 hours a week, rarely takes his lunch breaks, never takes time back. I see it drain him but he insists it's not forever. Does your DH have time to look for an alternative? Could you suggest you spruce up his CV and help him look for something else?

whatmeworry - He might be employed but it sounds like his employment doesn't cover the bills and he never sees his family...what good is that?

The selfishness referreed to comes from his apparent unwillingness to take work in another area for which he is qualified because it is less exciting. I don't think the OP is suggesting he dump his job with nothing to go to but it sounds like he needs to open up a dialogue because he may wake up one day with a job he kind of enjoys, which pays pittance and no marriage.

I'm speaking as someone who left a job I loved because I wanted a child and needed more money and family friendly hours. I recognised that, so worked hard to get the right job for my family. It's a bit dull but I earn more and I work flexible hours and it's a sacrifice that was necessary for my family life. My DH also made sacrifices changing his job to move to where we wanted to live, leaving a job he loved for another one which paid the same but far less travelling costs and flexible working hours.

We all want to 'live the dream' but life doesn't work like that.

I do miss my old job but I love that I get more time with DH and DD, makes up for being a bit bored at work.

*referred

HaveALuffly - oh, I know that he's exhausted, and I'm very understanding of it, truly. Every opportunity he has for a lie-in, he gets it. And I'm not (usually) demanding of his time when he is at home - I do what I can to make everything as easy for him as possible.
I have offered to do his CV - and a couple of the things that he could do we have very good contacts who would be able to help. The problem, obviously, is that these are my ideas, not his, and he is not particularly receptive to them (I'm not pushing them, incidentally. Because I know that the more I push, the more resistant he will be.) But, if he doesn't like my ideas, I'd like him to come up with some of his own, and then we can work out what to do and where to go from there. I, too, work in the arts (or at least, I used to.) I have been doing more commercial work though recently because it pays more. (Admittedly, because I am freelance, I can still do a bit of both.) I just don't want this to be our lives forever. If he loved what he does I could live with it - but he doesn't, not like he used to.
But, as a couple of you have said, at least it's a job . . .

And thank you for all the ideas and input.

You are not being selfish at all. How do you think he'd react if you showed him this thread?

He is being selfish. He's expecting you to work, do all the childcare, do all the domestic stuff just so he can faff about in a job he (once?) enjoys/ed. Selfish to the extreme. Life changes when you choose to have a family - he hasn't adapted to it at all.

It's no wonder you are lonely and fed up :(

I'm afraid I struggled to make it through your OP because it is very dense.

But the thing that sticks out for me, apart from the fact that your DH isn't at hoe much, is that you don't sound much like a family. It's all very "I pay for this, but can't afford a babysitter so I can continue my career" and "he pays for that " etc etc.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted but you sound more like housemates than life partners.

It might not necessarily be the job that's the problem. If your DH won't take lieu days/holidays etc and often makes calls in his free time he may be in the mindset that he needs to be there, that no one else can cover for him, that the whole thing will grind to a halt if he's not there. It's easy to feel that way but rarely the case. He is very unlikely to be indispensable and he needs to make the effort to step away.

You definitely need to have a talk about this. The trouble with someone following a vocation is that they may just be utterly miserable doing anything else. DH, for instance, tried to do a "proper job" for a while which made him so miserable that it was entirely unbearable and I spent a couple years begging him to give it up and go back to being a thoroughly underpaid musician. We manage. There's little money really, as I'm disabled, but we survive on my DLA and his rather sporadic earnings. Other than DLA we don't claim any other benefits, so we really are amongst the very lowly paid.

However, for us it's worth it as the misery involved in changing dh's career simply isn't worth it.

(I am studying though, in the hopes that an apparent remission I'm going through will hold for a long time and I can then go out to work.)

I agree with LadyW. HE needs to take his holiday days etc. if he is trying to and having requests declined that Is one thing but is he even asking?

He seems to have missed the point that having a family often requires lifestyle changes. And practicality demands that it is usually the lower earner who has to make most of them. In most cases that is the woman, but here it sounds like it is you. He needs to rethink the way he works to enable you to do your job, and to let all of you have some family life together.

Whenyouseeit - you may have a point - at the moment. Genuinely though we do love each other very much, we've know each other since we were twelve, he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend (when we were seventeen though, not twelve!) blah blah. Just, at the moment, it feels like we're just surviving, not living, and that's because he's not at home to live our life with me.

LadyWidmerpool - I fear to that you have a very strong point. DH has an addictive personality (the addiction to drugs and alcohol is - for now - dealt with thank God) - the job is an addiction too, perhaps?

Is he managing his time at work properly? Maybe not if he can't take hols, take time in lou or get home so you can get out. You need to sit down and discuss this with him. What has he had to say so far? I would be tempted to speak to his HR.

I also think that if your DH has other, more family friendly, employment options then he should at least be thinking of changing jobs.

You are clearly managing to take care of childcare, all of the housework AND earn the majority of the household income - but why should you when your DH could help more? Also, you are about to have a second baby - will you be able to cope so well then?

If the job your DH has was his only realistic employment option - due to training, location etc - then I would probably say that any job is better than no job. However, when there is something else he could possibly be doing which pays better and has more family friendly hours then I do think he should be open to the idea of changing jobs. It may take time to find something but he should at least be looking.

I don't do my job because I love it - I do it because it pays bills and fits in around DH's work. DH is the main wage earner in our family. There are jobs I would rather do but, while we have young children, paying the bills and fitting in childcare are my priorities.

OK, so he's a workaholic. Now you need to deal with it. If he can't make it home, he should arrange childcare so you can get out. He hast o take some responsibility and give you set family times each week.

What does he do by the way?

Certainly sounds like it. Do you think he has issues with time management? Or maybe he's hiding behind work?