AIBPFB? Mother-in-law related. Eeek.

[scentednappyhag]

If IABU, I promise not to get shirty :) I just want some opinions.

MIL wants to have DD for the day on Thursday.
She has had her a few times before, and has always smelled of alcohol when I pick her up, be it lunchtime or evening.
DH has said she wasn't a good mum to him growing up due to alcohol etc, they get along a bit better now.
Her DP smokes weed, and this weekend possibly (DSIL confided in us) pushed her to the floor and shouted at her during a drunken row. He would be there too. I've never quite taken to him anyway, can't quite put my finger on why. I feel bad for feeling this way, but something just seems off.
When we went to visit her yesterday morning, she smelled of vomit and wine at 9am
I just can't bring myself to trust her to have DD anymore, DH thinks I'm being mean.
Am I?

She went against your directly expressed wishes (ie the bath, and I imagine other examples)

I would base your discussion on this, because anything that sounds like a criticism, like the drinking or her choice in men, will put him (understandably) onto the defensive.

Claude- they have a strange relationship. DH tells everyone that he doesn't like her, tells stories of what she was like when he was growing up etc, but then seems so eager for approval when he's actually around her. It makes me sad.

Purple- that's fantastic advice, I hadn't thought about it like that. Thank you.

At least you know now for sure that you have every right to put your foot down if dh makes a fuss. Like you said she will still see her, just not alone.

That is exactly like my older sister. Whenever shes with me she slags my mum off, because she knows i dont like her, but then she goes to my mums all the time and is really chummy with her.

Everlong- At least your reaction has proved to me just how right I am about this

Sometimes going in all guns blazing gets you heard. Sometimes it just switches the other person's ears off. If he's weird about his mum, he won't hear a word against her no matter how true

I definitely think you're onto something there Purple.
He's in a strop tonight (something unrelated- I know, I'm a lucky lady) so I'm planning to try and broach this properly tomorrow.

even though she's a shit mother he's desperate for her approval and sees his dd as a way of getting it. he can't say no to his mum because she wields this intense power of rejection - any child's worst nightmare. doesn't change just because he's an adult, although it would be better for his mental health if he didn't give her this power. imhumbleo.

i think the best strategy is to not even have the discussion, just keep going with your dd to visit, but i would not under any circumstances allow her to go on her own. you don't need to make it law until you absolutely have to, you can just swerve each time.

yanbu your dh needs to realise just how potentially risky this situation could be, stand your ground

YANBU at all. If DH insists then can he go spend the day or night or whatever at the same time?

Yanbu

Your dh has been damaged by his upbringing, so isn't in the best position to judge this. No matter what he said on this subject, I would say no and insist that dd didn't stay.

In the end, no matter how much he strops over this, the safety and well being of your baby has to come first.

no!
def not.

uanbu

YANBU and I'm both lax and a defender of MILS!

My mate has a MIL who has a drink problem. My mate is selfish though and thinks her need for a night out supercedes any issues with MIL looking after her DS. She turned up to collect him one afternoon to find her BOY dressed as a GIRL and MIL pissed as a fart and rolling about on the bed trying to get a pair of support pants on. My mate still lets her son go there.

Does your DH agree that she drinks? If so, I'd major on that, that you have smelt it on her when you pick up etc. I think the bath thing (although I understand it completely and agree it is a problem) is too easy for him to brush off as you being too hard etc etc.

Agree lay off the DP at the mo, maybe drop in a couple of comments in the future and see what the response is.

YANBU, so not being unreasonable. Trust your instincts.

YANBU
no way would I trust her.

No way are you being pfb, and no way would I be happy letting ANY child, let alone my own, staying over there!

Oh Lord no, YANBU.

I will usually back MIL's up on MN if I can, because they do get an unnecesarily hard time, but this time I think you're absolutely right to be saying no she can't take care of your DD.

Tbh, I would judge you if you did leave DD with MIL. I see what's going on with your DH and why he seeks approval etc, but you have to be firm here. He isn't able to be objective, and to some degree it's understandable. You may have to be the bad guy here, but it's for the greater good.

Imagine if the drink made her fall asleep when she was bathing your dc. Or if there was some other accident. Or if your dc got caught in the cross fire of an argument between MIL and her dp. Or if your instincts about the dp were proved right. Doesn't bear thinking about.

YANB

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD IN THAT HOUSE!!