People that make put down comments all the time

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

AIBU to get pissed off with it and want to tell them to shut the fuck up.

There is a mum at DD2's school who cannot seem to say anything without a sting in the tail and a nasty dig. Our DDs are friends so it's difficult to keep a distance from her but I do try....

For example yesterday she approached me in the playground 'Hello, what have you been up to today?' Me 'Oh just a bit of housework, not much really'. Her (whilst throwing back head and laughing) 'Oh I'm really not one for housework. I prefer to actually spend time with my children rather than clean.

She is very competitive and seems intent on proving she is the best mother for some reason. 'Oh yes your DD goes to X dancing lessons doesn't she? My DD goes to Y for her lessons, they're more expensive there but then you get what you pay for with this kind of thing don't you?', and comments at 3 year old DS 'oooh what's mummy given you for a snack today then? Gosh, none of mine would know what that is as we're so health conscious'. She'll ask me a question and then use my reply as a springboard to make a put down and again try to prove to herself that she, of course, is better than me.

I feel like saying 'Yes, you win, you are the better mother/have the more advanced child' as soon as she opens her mouth!

Hex - yep, I with ya. Personally I am sick of the transparent stealth boasts from parents at our school! 'Oh Gosh, Tabitha is driving us crazy with all the books she goes through! It's costing us a fortune...we've said no more. Library or from her own money for now on'

I think there will always be people around who make irritating comments, you can't control that. But you can spend more time with the nice people and give the annoying people less of your energy.

I think you sound a little low in confidence but that you are trying to break out of it. Maybe you have been criticised a lot in the past and hear criticism where it's not intended, or are in some way attracted to critical people (even though it hurts).

Don't be afraid to give her a wide berth. What's the worst she can do?

Hex, can I suggest that, like me you're sensitive and find it difficult to just let things go? I sympathise. I find it hard not to let people get to me.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Get to the school gates just as they're coming out. It solves a lot of problems!

she sounds a delight with a filthy house Her DD will burn out by the time she is 14 and rebel because she can't do things with her friends and promptly leave all her classes and Mum will be left devastated and wondering where it all went wrong , I have seen a mum in meltdown because her child didnt want to do stuff anymore ,

I've got two colleagues at work who ask questions in order to say something shitty in response. I just say 'Why?' to them these days.

'And how are you today?'

'Why?'

'Do anything nice at the weekend?'

'Why?'

I'm such a miserable git.

Learnt this off my DH, it works but only when I have the guts (usually when PMT)

Look them directly in the eye (move slightly closer if you have to) with a smile, and say "I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that" or "I'm sorry, what was that". Excessively politely.

I have tried this on two occasions, and both times it worked a treat. They start getting all tongue tied over what they said, and repeat but in a much nicer, less antagonistic way.

I can be abit of a doormat, and its worked for me!

Yes, winter I have a 'friend' like that as well! Luckily she doesn't try to put me down, but she does moan like hell about everything and everybody else, and she says passive aggressive things that are designed to make me feel guilty about something, or feel sorry for her. I know when I am being set up now, with her loaded questions and comments so I have got very good at side stepping them, or just answering in such a way as to not to open the floodgates to one of her rants!

Linerunner I'm going to adopt that, if I may?

She sounds a bit insecure tbh, and is looking for validation but scratch the surface and you'll find a lonely, neurotic, competitive and ultimately unhappy person. Don't let it get to you - these women are everywhere!

Duck that's genius. I will try it next time I'm feeling brave.

They only say it because they are insecure. I've had a few "friends" like this. You could try saying something like "Did you mean to make me feel bad by saying that?" I bet you'd only have to do it once and they would be nicer next time....

It does seem to take the wind out of thier sails so to speak....

CreamEggThief I absolutely will be following your example when I get to the school playground bit.

treadheavily, no I'm not low in confidence and I don't spend any time with her. She just comes and stands with me at pick up.

And thanks everyone, will give some of those things a go. I especially like the 'did you mean to make me feel so bad with that comment?'.

I think the assertive posters are really brave,, Iwouldnt be able to say anything if a mum was like this well i couldnt i just used to smile and nod at them , although i didnt let them get me down, I think the trick is to not let it get to you and just think these people are just proud of the way they parent even if we think they are loopy competative (spelling)

Winterdyke, please be my guest!

I'm not always assertive; I've learned from long experience who are the utter tossers at work and at my age I don't feel I have time to waste with their games.

And it's not women who are the worse.

I would say if people treating you like that is a repeated problem in your life, then you could probably do with a bit of assertiveness training. You might not have low self esteem, but I do think you're a bit too nice for your own good.

Linerunner same here. I've found the response of 'Stop being so snide, you sound like a cunt' works, although this is for the über-bitches, when all other responses have had no success. I've not yet tried the 'Why?' response, but will store it for future use.

how about just asking for clarification?

"Oh. Are you saying that I don't spend time with my children?"

People like that carry on doing it because they rely on others being too polite/afraid of confrontation to actually call them on their behaviour.

"Why?" is also a good one because you can use it in the schoolyard/workplace without getting banned/fired.

How am I being too nice, thepeoplesprincess? I'm confused

I have had a few "moments" with an ex friend of mine .
Soooooo competetive and queen of the putdown.
Best way is to snort loudly and laugh hysterically she will be
Dont answer when she says " why are you laughing?" just continue and wipe away tears (even fake ones). She will stop !