to not tell a friend i know she's fibbing when she cancels arrangements?

[giraffes]

i've a very close friend but she has a bit of a tendency to cancel arrangements for what seem very plausible reasons - sick baby, sick her, etc. At least once before I've subsequently found out through others that she was fibbing to me. Anyway, she cancelled a long-standing evening arrangement the other day due to illness but I've since seen (on the dreaded fb, someone else's profile) that she was in fact out.
She is one of my closest friends but I've seen her fib very easily in other circumstances and she clearly has no problem fibbing to me as well.....I feel a bit sickened at the idea of saying it to her, we chat or see each other once or twice a week, she always includes me/my family in important events, and generally acts very close to me and my family..aibu not to say anything? I don't think it necessarily means she is trying to get out of the friendship, but just maybe she has a bit of a fibbing habit!

Maybe tell her you know and that you feel like a bit of a nob when she lies to you. But say it's not a big deal and that if she wants to cancel stuff in future you won't be offended if she tells you the truth about why she's cancelling.

If you're just going to put up with it, what's the issue? I wouldn't personally, but it's your choice.

I think maybe you should stop telling yourself that your friend is 'fibbing' to get out of arrangements and start acknowledging that she is repeatedly bare faced LYING to you. Personally I'd be pulling her on it and asking why she feels the need to lie to you rather than just say 'I've had a better offer, I won't be seeing you today'.

It really amazes me how much some people will tolerate from friends when they wouldn't contemplate putting up with the same level of bullshit from a partner.

Had a friend who did this a lot.

She once sent a text cancelling and then another (by accident) inviting another person over to hers!

The very last time she did it. I called her on it. Said I thought you'd cancel anyway. She never contacted me again.

I'm well rid.

well as i said we're otherwise close - she was my bridesmaid so can't imagine just ditching her, i just do feel a bit of an idiot when i find out after sympathising about the sick baby or whatever.....
I don't know how not to put up with it - i've told her in the past I don't mind when she cancels things as long as she's honest..but I'd go so far as to say she really is one of my two or three closest friends - we holiday together most years etc..or is fibbing and cancelling more widespread than I think? Its not something I'd tend to do

and she has fibbed 'in my favour' before - cancelling a weekend in brighton to see another friend because of my birthday 'oh i'll just tell her the baby is sick'..that kind of thing...

It's really disrespectful IMO. And it's like she doesn't give a shit about your time or anything. What she wants is more important and never mind if you've arranged a babysitter or made plans so that you can keep your date with her.

I definitely don't think you should just suffer in silence. So what if she was your bridesmaid. She's not treating you very well.

It's pretty sick really to say that your baby is ill because you don't want to go out with someone.

You have already told her once that you wish she was honest. Tell her again. And tell her that is pisses you off when she treats you like a fool.

I'd comment on the other person's Facebook photo/status that you are glad to see that X recovered in time for a night out after all, but maybe that's because people lying to me in situations like that brings out the stroppy teen in me...

It's up to you obviously. Maybe you think you'd risk the friendship by mentioning something to her. She might be embarrassed and put distance between you - or she might try to "fib" her way out of it. Or it might bring you closer if you call her on her habit and she stops "fibbing" to you finally.

Interesting that you describe it as fibbing though. I'd call it lying. I'm very intolerant of being lied to by people who are meant to be important to me. My DF is a liar and my ExP lied to me for two years. I can't stand it and consider it a huge insult.

I am no longer close friends with a woman who lied dramatically and badly to get out of an arrangement which involved our DCs. She'd clearly got a better offer and wanted to get out of doing what we'd booked. I was embarrassed for her and just couldn't see her in the same light again.

I can't bring myself to prioritise people who can't do the same for me. Life's too short and there are too many fun, lovely, honest and reliable people out there for me to hang out.

thesecondcoming - i don't think she's ditching me...we've been friends for more than 30 years and she invites us on holidays etc, makes a big fuss of my kids, goes out of her way to be good to them etc..this has happened maybe three times (that I know of) over about 3 years, but now I wonder about other times she has cancelled....

I think I'm calling it fibbing because she does it so easily - as I've seen myself - that I think to her it isn't that big a deal in a way...its a sort of habit to her to lie

If you accept her doing it for others you have to accept she will do it to you.

Depends how much it bothers you and how often it actually happens.

I had a friend who negatively RSVPed to my wedding on the basis of a "big family do" but then texted my bridesmaid on the day asking if she fancied lunch or a pint!! Former friend pokes me on Facebook every so often still. I still ignore her!

But, OP, in your case, if it doesn't bother you, live & let live. If it were me I'd mention it gently though otherwise every time you make plans together you'll wonder if she's going to bail & if so what her better offer was, which isn't very healthy.

How about next time she offers to lie to cancel so the two of you can do something you say...

"Oh no, don't do that, it really upsets me when people do that (and you can always tell). You already made a commitment, we can do this another time."

Hopefully she will realise what you are really saying.

birdofthenorth - wow, that's pretty terrible of your ex-friend!

yes that's a bit of the issue - i'll invite her to something and then on the day in comes the text about 'maybe' coming down with something, and then later the definite cancellation....so maybe i should just stop making arrangements? a few times before i've left it up to her to get in touch as a way of not feeling like an idiot - she always gets in touch and wants to meet up etc so that's why I think she isn't trying to dump me. She once cancelled something by texting 'don't be angry, but...' so I called her and said 'please don't think i'll be angry, I just want you to be honest and if something no longer suits, just say it'

hopandskip - yes, good idea - its only happened a couple of times..i did try to talk her out of cancelling the other thing but she said something along the lines of really wanting to be with me blah blah...
I think maybe its almost habitual and she sees it as 'making an excuse' rather than lying...I don't lie about things so I'm not used to it..

I have a friend who often cancels at the last minute although I have never caught her out. I think, as you say, she just doesn't see it as an issue and would be quite offended if I said something.

I let it go but it does weaken the friendship as I never really rely on her and think twice before committing myself to arrangements that will cost if cancelled.

i know someone like this and eventually i just got so bored of it i stopped arranging anything with her.
there just is no point is there?

she also has books/clothes of mine that i've lent her that she has never given back and I've given up asking for them.

it did teach me to never, ever lend anything to anyone that i cared about getting back though.

why not next time you see her ask her how her night out went? smile and say i saw the pics/comments on so and so's FB page. if she has the grace to be embarrassed say you know she does this and would appreciate if she were just honest. if she denies it then she is being a complete tit.

the reason why she is doing it is because she can. You are too soft, i would call her up on it, if she is that close to you.

every time she cancels say 'brilliant! i was hoping to ..... tonight!' or 'thank goodness! i've so much to do...'.
you might lose a friend but you'd have satisfaction in the meantime...

i'm worried she's going to pull out of the only holiday we've booked for this summer now...