to not tell a friend i know she's fibbing when she cancels arrangements?

[giraffes]

i've a very close friend but she has a bit of a tendency to cancel arrangements for what seem very plausible reasons - sick baby, sick her, etc. At least once before I've subsequently found out through others that she was fibbing to me. Anyway, she cancelled a long-standing evening arrangement the other day due to illness but I've since seen (on the dreaded fb, someone else's profile) that she was in fact out.
She is one of my closest friends but I've seen her fib very easily in other circumstances and she clearly has no problem fibbing to me as well.....I feel a bit sickened at the idea of saying it to her, we chat or see each other once or twice a week, she always includes me/my family in important events, and generally acts very close to me and my family..aibu not to say anything? I don't think it necessarily means she is trying to get out of the friendship, but just maybe she has a bit of a fibbing habit!

what she does to you is insulting, that would be a dealbreaker for me, no matter how nice she is about it

Sorry but come on!

You don't mind being ditched if she has something better to do and she lies to you about it?

True friends don't do this.

I've ditched many people over the years when I realised they aren't true friends, including both who were my bridesmaids.

I now have a set of true friends and if I needed to cancel they at least deserve a real reason, not a lie.

I hate lying and being lied to so I think you need to pull her up on it sharpish I'm afraid. By ignoring it you are condoning her behaviour and allowing her to carry it on which I think is a poor way to treat you.

My friend is exactly like this. With everyone!

We all know and laugh about it- but in truth it is annoying. However. In 25 years she has always been like this- she's not going to change now.

It's perhaps nor personal? I think theres an option to say- shes my friend- thats how she is- and just dont make plans that will hurt if she dosent turn up. I guess we all have our irritating habits- and I agree this is a very unattractive one.

Only you can judge if the friendship is worth it. Mine was. She is lovely apart from being totally unreliable!

I have a friend who has done this at short notice probably four or five times over a few years. One time she was too ill for us to visit her, but the next day she had pictures of her sunday roast with another visiting friend splashed all over facebook

I hate people who habitually cancel plans because they've had what they decide is a better offer. It tells me that they are selfish, self centred people who are only concerned with what's in it for them and not at all about being loyal to their friends or respecting friendship.

I wouldn't be able to play make believe, I really wouldn't. I'd have to be honest.

I saw your comments on Xs facebook. I hate it when you lie to me.

And I'd probably start saying things like oh, you can't come cos the baby's ill? Oh dear, is that ill ill, or you've had a better offer ill?

Which is the kiss of death for a friendship but what the hell.

I'm a bit flaky with arrangements and there are times when I've genuinely forgotten to get back to someone about an arrangement, but there are also times when I've agreed to meet up with someone then realised I just don't have the funds for even a single drink. Rather than admit to that, I have concocted excuses - DP working late, DD is a bit under the weather. I've always been too ashamed to go on facebook for a few days afterwards though. It's really horrible to have to say to someone 'Sorry, I know we made plans, but I just can't afford it', knowing that they will offer to pay for you, and that you will feel hideously gauche and beholden as a result.

I think it really does depend on the context. Has she ditched you for 'better offers'? It doesn't sound as though it happens that often or disrupts major plans (correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't said she did it when you had bought expensive concert tickets, or booked a babysitter and got your hair done etc.) So it has to be judged in the context of your friendship as a whole. It seems to me that the problem is not the cancellations as such but the notion that she can lie to you so easily. Now I don't believe anyone who says they never or have never lied to people in this way, but I can see how someone who seems too adept at doing it might make you question their sincerity in other ways.

How about this, then? I would have a frank discussion with her, but stay very amicable in it. I would start by telling her that you have seen that she didn't tell you the truth on X occasion recently and was actually out with others. I'd then say that that needn't be a big deal in itself, but that it has made you realise that she has done this a few times and that that makes you uncomfortable because it makes you worry about how much of the rest of your friendship is genuine - ie how much she really loves your kids (this should be where she assures you that that's all genuine). Then tell her that what you really want is honesty, and that if she wants to cancel arrangements in future, she should be straight about why, so that you can not feel stupid about consoling her about sick baby etc. You have the right to make fully informed decisions about your friendships and how you spend your time, the same as she does.

If you really have been friends for 30 years, this should be doable. If she takes the huff, then you will know she only actually wants friendship on her own terms, and that in fact the friendship has not been quite what you thought it was.

BTW, I continue to be amazed at how many people tell a lie and then leave themselves wide open to exposure by posting something contradictory on Facebook. Do they just not think about the possibility of people reading it? It's almost as bad as the people who throw a sickie and then post gleefully on their publicly-available page that they're going shopping that day.

You don't mind being ditched if she has something better to do and she lies to you about it?

I do mind of course, and feel hurt but I'm not sure how personalised it is IYSWIM. And I kind of think of writing her off a little bit - or distancing myself and then she'll be super friendly again. She has put herself out for me many times when it really counted - long story but we were part of a group of friends some of whom are no longer my friends and she made it very clear to me that I was always welcome to her (i.e. in her home) and included me at occasions where it would have been easier for her not to.

When I asked her just to be honest she was - told me her dd couldn't come to my dd's birthday party because she (the dd) just didn't want to go, whereas the year before there was a 'last-minute illness' - I did ask her up front not to feel she had to make excuses, and just to be honest as I didn't mind, but did mind her feeling she had to make excuses.

HRH - yes, maybe that's the way to go - I can feel very secure that we're friends but do sort of want to clear the air a little from my perspective. Then again I don't want to be a pathetic pushover volunteering to be ditched every time a better offer comes up! Its difficult when I'm so fond of her and love spending time with her, but maybe just need a little bit more distance. Its hard when we've ben friends so long, I'm no saint but I don't lie and am (foolishly?) very loyal I think

I have a casual friend who arranges to meet up then always cancels with the excuse one of her two kids is sick. These must be very sickly children or she’s just lying. I am going to guess the later. I told her she needs to get a new excuse because canceling last minute all the time with that excuse is getting unbelievable now. It’s safe to say we are no longer friends however I feel no loss as I wasn’t going to keep someone in my life who doesn’t respect my time and is happy to flog me off with the same excuse over and over. In fairness I kept her around so long for my own benefits however I’ve outgrown my old needs and feel no loss in letting her go.

Psst!! @Homebodydoglover .....Thread is 12 years old!