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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 5th birthday party - to invite or not to invite.......

37 replies

vole3 · 01/06/2012 19:39

The 10 year old daughter of the female friend who knew about his affair, said nothing and has 'supported' him in breaking up his marriage and family that soon-to-be XH has been 'house sharing' with since last July.

DS really wants her there, but I am more than happy never to set eyes on her or her mother ever again.

Do I not invite her and upset him (and keep my sanity) or invite her and have to tolerate the presence of someone I cannot stand want to bitch slap on our special day.

OP posts:
Debeezandbirds · 01/06/2012 19:42

I don't think anyone would blame you for not inviting her. But you know your son best, is he likely to miss her on his big day? If so I'd bury the hatchet I can imagine where you'd like to bury it for one day for the sake of your son.

RancerDoo · 01/06/2012 19:43

Just tell your son that unfortunately she is unable to come.
He will live, it is not all that upsetting when you're still getting a party etc.

jkklpu · 01/06/2012 19:43

why would the mother stay at the party? if your ds wants his friend there, that's not quite the same as having to invite the parent

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 19:43

Presumably you want to slap the mother and not the child?

She's 10, why does her mother have to remain with her?

ParanoidAnnie · 01/06/2012 19:44

It's not the child's fault? Is she not old enough to come to the party without her mother?

Sorry you've had a hard time.

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 19:44

Why are you happy to never set eyes on a 10 year old who hasn't done anything, ever again?

ParanoidAnnie · 01/06/2012 19:46

I am assuming its the mother you want to ap, not the 10 year old child.

fairyfriend · 01/06/2012 19:48

Absolutely not. Maybe you DS's dad can take him out for a second birthday celebration and take her along. You have every right not to want these people in your house.
In this particular situation, your needs supersede your sons. (Assuming he has lots of other friends)

AgentZigzag · 01/06/2012 19:48

'Do I not invite her and upset him (and keep my sanity) or invite her and have to tolerate the presence of someone I cannot stand want to bitch slap on our special day.'

I presume you're talking about not being able to stand the mum, because that could come across as you saying the 10 YO was involved somehow. I can understand you not wanting her mum there, but she hasn't done anything wrong.

Does the mum have to come along too? Could the girl be dropped off without you having to see her mum?

It's really up to you, I know it's your DSs birthday, but it sounds so raw for you I don't think anyone could be upset about you not feeling able to deal with seeing your XH and Xfriend, and if they are, tough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/06/2012 20:00

The girl is ten years old - she definitely does not need her mother to stay around for the party. Your son wants her there. I would invite the girl, but make it quite clear to the mother that you expect her to wave goodbye to her DD at your garden gate and fuck off not return until a set time, at which you will despatch daughter back out of the house.

No child is responsible for their parents.

Original poster
vole3 · 01/06/2012 20:17

Unfortunately the party is at a gymnastics gym and involves trampolining and other activities and 'all children must be accompanied'.

The girl has always been somewhat 'high maintenance' and is becoming 'hormonal' in XH words! Not sure how much she'd enjoy a party of 4 and 5 year olds and I would prefer it if DS made more effort with his friends of his own age.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 01/06/2012 20:17

I should tell DS that he can pick a few friends his own age.
If he really wants her a 10 year old girl can stay on her own.

exoticfruits · 01/06/2012 20:18

In that case rope in a friend to accompany her.

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 20:20

Presumably the ratio is not 1:1.
It just means that you have somebody there to watch each child, could be four adults watching 10 children etc...

I'd be very surprised if a 10 year old wanted to go to a 5 years old party to b honest.

Floggingmolly · 01/06/2012 20:22

I'm obviously the only immature cow on this thread who wouldn't do this Blush

Original poster
vole3 · 01/06/2012 20:23

The mother and I do not have any mutual friends.

I suppose I could always lie and say that as the party is on Fathers Day she is visiting her grandad and can't come.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 20:26

Who wouldn't do what flogging Invite the child?

Why not, she's 10, she's done nothing wrong.

Floggingmolly · 01/06/2012 20:29

I'd just want to disassociate myself from the lot of them. I know that's not fair on the child, but it would burn my hide to have them around.

Original poster
vole3 · 01/06/2012 20:33

You're right, the child has done nothing.
However how comfortable would you be being responsible for the child of someone that you do not actually get on with in case something happened at an activity and they got injured. I would be on my own watching DS and her and trying to keep tabs on all the other children and parents.
I don't need the stress and if something was to happen, who's to say that I would not be blamed for 'letting it happen'

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 01/06/2012 20:37

TBH if it was a 'normal' jelly and ice cream style party I would agree that if she can be dropped off and returned by intermediaries and it meant a lot to your son then maybe you could stand it.

But in this situation, I'm thinking it's highly likely that the bitch xf will be there throughout..or xh or some equally unpleasant combination. No it isn;t the little girl's fault, I can't see that OP has said it is, but I don think YABU and a separate bash with xh and the 10yo would be the best plan. DS is happy as he gets fun with his own peer group rather than an older child likely to get frustrated with little ones plus he gets 2 birthday treats, 10yo gets to feel involved in something and you OP don't have to deal with this.
I'm so sorry Sad. I don't think it would actually break DS' heart on the day when he has so much excitement going on, all mine have dealt with friends not being able to come and once the day started it was not a problem.
I think you can't feel guilty for wanting to be kind to yourself atm Vole, there are more birthdays to come and you need this more than DS I think.

Original poster
vole3 · 01/06/2012 20:37

Yep flogging, thats my feelings exactly, having the kid around necessitates continuing communication with someone who I no longer wish to associate with.
If XH wishes to promote their friendship, he can, but I don't want to.
They are of disparate age, live in different towns, attend different schools and have no mutual friends. The only thing they have in common is that XH lives with her, her mother and baby brother.

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 01/06/2012 20:40

Sorry Vole, missed your last post.
Even without them staying, I still stand by last post.
If she can feel involved with another 'do' then that's the way to go. In all honesty there will be lots of things that are done in a slightly fragmented way due to circs from now on. It's the way it goes sometimes. He played the game and her mother did too - it's not the DDs fault but Vole shouldn't have to get ridden over rough shod to keep her happy when an alternative could be found. This isn't set in stone forever, just one party.

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 20:40

Then just don't invite her.
It's not that big a deal is it.

You don't want to be disagreed with, that's obvious.

So OP, YANBU.

There you go!

kilmuir · 01/06/2012 20:46

He is 5, tell him no.

Original poster
vole3 · 01/06/2012 20:47

I guess I also feel guilty that this might be the last year she would actually want to come to his party. Probably by next year she will be starting high school, hitting puberty and thinking a 6 year old is a total creep and to be avoided like the plague - DS is too little to have his heart broken by an 'older' woman.

OP posts: