AIBU for being so angry with FIL?

[scrumdiddlydoo]

Will try to keep this as short as poss. Basically, I have a 5 month old DS and I have had PND but things are alot better. I still struggle with my confidence as a new mum but CBT is helping. Anyway, FIL came over a couple of nights ago and I was exhausted and starving but had to sit through 600 holiday snaps. I basically lost it as when DS woke up crying and wouldn't resettle he let out an exasperated sigh and said 'oh shut up DS'. I had tried to feed DS but he wasn't interested and when FIL offered to try and settle DS, he tried for 2 minutes before coming out saying 'this baby is hungry'. I explained that I didn't think he was as I had only fed him 45 minutes earlier and had already tried that. He went on, saying he knew babies and that 'this one' was clearly hungry. I then shouted at him saying he was NOT hungry. He then asked if he could have a drink of cooled boiled water, I said he never had this. Anyway, im so angry as he acted like I was clueless and was so patronising. Since then he had text my DH saying he feels sorry for my DH having to put up with me. He referred to my PND as 'this madness that is upon me'. He also left here that night and went straight over to see my parents, claiming I need help and that im obsessed with sticking to guidelines when my baby clearly needs food. He made me so angry, so I emailed him to tell him this. I decided to email as thought it would allow me to get my point across clearly and rationally. If you have read this far, thankyou. Was I BU in sending the email, I was quite arsy in it and told him exactly how he made me feel.

Feel sorry for you and good that you feel the CBT is helping. Don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I know that it can be very frustrating when family members think they know best when it comes to dealing with your kids. However, I'd just say that texts and emails are rarely a good way to get sensitive/difficult messages across as there is no subtlety at all. Hope it doesn't inflame anything. Incidentally, does your DH stick up for you when talking to his parents?

It sounds like you've upset him and he's gone off the deep end about it. He could've been well meaning to begin with, but his conduct has not helped matters. It's possible you were also pent up and added fuel to the fire, but your FIL sounds like he inadvertantly triggered this.

I think sending the email was probably a mistake tbh, it's not often a good idea to send things in the heat of the moment.

How is FIL with you in general?

If you are bottle feeding then it is possible for ds to be thirsty and maybe want some cooled boiled water. DS2 was like that with me.

Oh dear :-( I understand where you're coming from, but think that the email has probably fuelled the fire. Next time, sleep on it. X

YANBU to tell him how he made you feel, but taking the emotion out of the OP, it does read like he was worried for you and wanted to help.

The way it came across could be have been a bit clumsy, but it looks like you were being prickly with him and not making things any better.

Of course the PND will have had an effect on this, but it still must be difficult for someone to try to raise something they think is important.

My DH is very diplomatic and always tries to see things from both sides. I guess I didn't want there to be any subtlety as I was determined to make myself very clear in how I felt. I have tried so hard to improve my confidence and for him to just waltz in and make me feel like I didn't know my son was just so hard for me to deal with. He has also made no attempt to try and understand PND - he just resigns himself to the fact that 'he is a man and therefore doesn't understand these things'. I would just love for him to pay me a compliment with regards to the way I am bringing up his grandson - it has been far from easy as we started off in SCBU, and then I had loads of issues with bfeeding, but I persevered and I was actually getting to the point where I felt proud of myself!!

Was the baby hungry?

How did your husband respond to the text? Is he sticking up for you and supporting you generally?

Why did the FIL come over - was it a social visit, or to help with the baby? Surely if you were starving, you or your DH should have ensured that you had something to eat before settling down to enjoy social time with FIL. That needn't have taken long. People don't always know what your needs are, they need to be told what you'll be doing, then they can fit their activities around your priorities.

It's really unhelpful that he seems to be criticising you to others, rather than focusing on ensuring you have all the support you need to make things easier. I hope your parents reacted accordingly.

Yanbu your fil was interfering but he probably thinks he is well meaning

From having been in the same position PND and confidence wise, you being proud of yourself is the most important thing. Your confidence will grow. You'd be better (IMO) shutting your ears to others, and just listen to what you and your DH think about things. If you show confidence (without being bolshy) others will also show confidence in you. Or so I've found.

I am not bottle feeding, and he has never had cooled boiled water. I did sleep on it and sent the email in the morning. It wasn't a particularly emotional email, I just said that I was trying to do my best and did not appreciate how he felt he could categorically tell me what my son needed. He has only seen him a handful of times since he has been born!

I've said this before but I really think people passing on negative messages from others are as bad as the person sending it. Ask your DH to respond to such texts politely but explaining he doesn't want to hear it and to never pass them on to you.

Kill it at the source. My life improved drastically when DH told MIL that unless she was worried about the DSSs safety he didn't want to hear it. Not only did she keep the bitchiness to SIL and extended family (no chance of it stopping) but she's been far more respectful to me.

That is a really good point waitingforme - I will discuss this with DH, who just feels horribly stuck in the middle of it all (unsurprisingly).

YANBU OP

From the sounds of it, he is an arse of the highest order if he said 'shut up DS' and referred to him as 'this one' etc etc.

If he is as brash and insensitive as that makes him sound, an email that clearly stated your boundaries, beliefs and expectations was probably needed ( and even them I bet he will disregard it and think he knows better!! )

Well done you for not taking any shit from him, sounds like you are doing well!

Enormsnob - no, he wasn't hungry. I got him back off to sleep and he didn't wake for a feed for a couple of hours.

urbanturban - his tone and the way he says things is really hard for me to deal with. The way he didn't call my DS by his name, the fact he didn't say 'i think he might be hungry' etc. Brash and insensitive hits the nail on the head IMO, but I have never had such a confrontation like this with anyone so it's been tough for me to handle.

'this madness that is upon me'

He sounds like a wanker. An arrogant wanker. Anyone would be angry with him. If you were feeling stronger you'd be more able to just dismiss his crap and laugh at his ridiculous attitude. As it is, it's hurting you. But you dealt with it. You didn't melt into tears or give in to his nonsense or throw any crockery at him. You should be proud of yourself.

See, I think your perspective is a bit clouded tbh. Your FIL is not conducting himself too well, but you are reacting in a quite extreme way.

I think he was probably a bit too harsh in the way he spoke, but that you are waiting (consciously or not) for him to do something that can spark your annoyance at him. You're probably also looking for every little signal that you're being judged, and not always getting the signals completely right. This, combined with someone who doesn't have a lot of tact, is a recipe for disaster.

I still think the email was a mistake, but I'm not sure where you go from here.

He maybe didn't do it the best way but is clearly very worried about you.Are your parents any help now that he has told them?

I completely agree with TidyDancer.

Are your parents any help now that he has told them?

What are you talking about?

I think maybe you're a bit oversensitive about what he said an dhow he said it, but how he reacted afterwards is completely out of order. Going to visit your parents, FFS?! Presumably your parents know your situation as presumably they told you that your FIL had visited?

The way he has referred to your depression is absolutely appalling and I am shocked that your DH didn't pick him up on that right away. PND can be hard for some people, especially the older generation to understand, but if he was really concerned then he'd bother to look into it a bit more and not be so bloody patronising!

I am not sure whether the email was a mistake. If it has made you feel any better, then probably not. If he feels you will stand up to him then maybe he'll be less inclined to question you in the futureWhat doe syour DH think about the email?

There are dozens and dozens of threads on here about interfering ILs/Parents insisting that they know what's best for the baby, whether that's to add solids early or to only do 4 hourly feeds. In this case the OP - who is still suffering some of the emotional effects of PND - has someone who, not content with telling her how she should be doing things, goes to her parents' house to tell them she's doing it all wrong!

The emotional reaction may be stronger because she's not feeling as together ATM, but it's really patronising to suggest that because someone had confidence issues as a new mum - and IS GETTING CBT AND DEALING WITH THAT - is being 'helped' by having her FIL tell her how to feed her baby and undermining her by going to her family!