To not want my dp to go out with this friend?

[fedup11]

I'm feeling very sensitive so please don't be too hard on me.

I've been with my dp for almost 4 years and it's been a bumpy ride, he takes us out, he generally treats me pretty good (day to day), helps out with dd and is really good with her, he generally just accepts me for who I am which is something I value in a person.

But he has also treated me like complete shit on occassion, examples, about 2 years into our relationship I feel pregnant and practically forced me to have an abortion by not speaking to me for weeks and making it very clear he did not want the responsibility. He refuses to commit to anything more than a weekend relationship this is partly down ot the distance we live apart. We were once supposed to go away for two weeks with his family and he backed out at the last minute even though I'd booked time off work etc. On occassions where we have split up for a few weeks I've found out on his computer that he's joined dating sites and been chatting to women, been flirting with women on Facebook that he's met on chat rooms. He breaks up with me every few months over silly things.

Anyway, the latest spat, he has this mate that I really don't think a lot of, this mate has a child he seems to never bother with a just uses the mother to have sex with when he wants it, on the one occassion I was 'allowed' to meet this friend he blanked us and went off on the pull, he's text my dp things like when they have been supposed to be going for a curry that they are gong for some 'pilau and pussy', although do swears his mates just immature, I hate the ways his mate speaks about women, it's all 'tits and ass' this. So if dp says he wants to meet this friend I cringe, he doesn't go out very often probably only twice a month but as he went out last week and we were supposed to be having a long weekend as a family I was pissed off when he told me he was meeting the twat, so it resulted in a big row and him telling me I'm controlling and wants to break up.

Yes I know you're supposed to trust your partner but for us the trust has well and truly had it and is taking time to build back up but he can't see this or obviously doesn't care.

[Bossybritches22]

What worra said, he's not a DP he's barely a friend with benefits.

You & your DD deserve a better life and a committed supportive relationship.

Has it crossed your mind he might have another life in the other place & possibly another girl ( or more)on the go?

I would get rid, get tested for STD's and then get on with the life you & your DD deserve SO much better.

[fedup11]

Bossy, it has occured to me but I honestly don't think that's the case although it will sounds like I'm making excuses.

The weekend thing is because we live a 30 minute drive apart and work even further. When he stays at mine he has to get up sometimes at 5.30am for over an hour and a half drive and if he came here after work he doesn't get back until 7pm and he was coming over more for about a year but he was absolutely knackered all the time so I just gave in. He does come over if we've arranged something such as parents evening. I'm fairly confident he goes home and crashes on the sofa and we speak on the phone most nights.

It doesn't excuse all the other stuff but I'm sure he hasn't got another life although I can see how it sounds like that.

[Mrsjay]

\Fedup he can be a good dad though with out being with you , this doesnt sound much fun what do you get out of the relationship , apart from when he does things with your DD ,

[PurplePidjinghamPalace]

He's treating you the same way the mate you disapprove of treats his shagpiece. Your P just puts a better gloss on it by pretending to give a shit.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

OP, when I first got together with my dh, he lived and worked over two hours away. He did the drive, and when my children were used to him and we're happy for him to stay over, he did the 5.30am starts then just had the odd night at home to catch up on sleep. After he had moved in, he looked for a closer job.

If this man wanted to be with you the way you want, he would be. A 30 minute/ hour drive is nothing when you are in love and want to be with someone.

I'm sure he cares about you and your dd very much, and maybe he does love you, but he's clearly not going to give you the relationship you seem to want. It's all on his terms at the moment. You need to decide if you are prepared to have a relationship like this long term, or if you want more for yourself and your dd.

[HerMajAnyFucker]

a 30 minute drive ?

I do that commute myself to go to work every day

I wouldn't dream of living apart from my H

I challenge the idea he simply crashes (alone) on his sofa. He ain't alone, even if the other relationships he has on the go are online/pornified/chatroom types.

You are being a complete doormat, OP. Sorry.

[midori1999]

The way you were talking about living so far apart I was thinking you lived hours away from each other, at opposite ends of the country or something! He drives for longer to work and back every day than he does to you.

I'm sorry, but I agree something is amiss here and I would think it likely that he has another GF/wife/partner/child/life.

It seems like your relationship hasn't progressed since you met him. Yous ay you have only met this friend once and he has no other friends, perhaps he is keeping them from you.

Have you actually met his family?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

When I first met my DH, he lived 5000 miles away from my home. We made it work because we loved each other. This bloke is an arsehole. One thing really sticks with me. He has one friend, who hates, denigrates and disrespects women. You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "show me who a man's friends are and I will tell you who he is".

[fedup11]

midori no honestly he does only have that one friend. He did have more but basically when he met me and stopped going out every Fri, Sat, Sun they ditched him. Now he sticks with this one mate.

I have met his family and do know them quite well ish they are lovely, his mum always gets dd and I lovely birthday and Xmas presents, and have spent Xmas with them etc, his mum knew about the pregnancy and berated him for the way he treated me as he lived at home then, he bought his house 2 years ago and spend a year getting it liveable. His mum also texts and invites me over but this is another things he shows little interest in.

[fedup11]

Oh also dd has a bedroom in his house and I have stuff there but we spend little time there.

[Notfootball]

Surely you feel some iota relief when you break up? Take that relief and run with it, far, far away.

[midori1999]

Well in that case I apologise for making assumptions. However, at the very least, surely you realise that if your relationship has not moved on in four years, he is not seriously interested in you?

You and your DD deserve better and I'm sure you know that really.

[fedup11]

That's ok I posted I expect opinions.

I do of course know that all of this is wrong and not sure I even know what's normal anymore. And I probably make a lot of excuses for him put it down to immaturity and hope someday it will get better.

[yellowraincoat]

Could you arrange some counselling - just for you? To resolve your self esteem issues? Even just a couple of sessions could help you, I think.

I have a therapist, she's great. Really helps me to see things more clearly.

[HaleAndPacemaker]

A 30min drive is not a LDR!!

Potentially rude Q, but is your do the father of your dd?

Agree with all of the sentiments posted thus far.

[MushroomSoup]

Jesus, what a lovely little boy he is! Needs his sleep rather than his girlfriend. Oh...he's not four? He's THIRTY? Are you sure?

[fedup11]

yellowraincoat I'm guessing that is sarcasm, no need really.

I probably do have low self esteem I had a pretty shit upbringing and then an extremely abusive relationship with dds father, so ye I possibly do but not really seeing the funny side.

[yellowraincoat]

I wasn't taking the piss AT ALL.

I am being deadly serious.

Fellow low self esteem sufferer here.

[fedup11]

Oh sorry took that the wrong way

[HerMajAnyFucker]

aw, I didn't see YR's post as sarky

[fedup11]

Due on and had all this today so sensitive.

Despite how I probably sound I'm not a complete emotional wreck, I'm very confident in my parenting, fairly confident in my appearance & my job. My relationships seem to be my downfall.

But I have basically been told today by him that he's really nice to me, too nice, how he takes me out everywhere and buys me everything and isn't willing to be controlled and told he shouldn't go out with said arsehole mate. I didn't actually say he couldn't it was more a passive aggressive I'm pissed off as I thought we were all having a long weekend together seen as I'm confined to weekends only these days and you went last week but really I just hate your friend and am convinced you're cheating on me when you meet him, to which he blew his top.

I can see that even though you are strangers 30* of you can't all be wrong and my own family so really if I don't sort myself out I need my head looking at.

[fedup11]

And I appreciate the honesty but it's not nice to hear.

[HerMajAnyFucker]

and you are to be commended to be still listening to the things that are "not nice to hear"

why would all these people, who have no emotional investment in your life, be pretty unanimous in their judgement of this defective man, though ?

we don't gain a thing by it

[Sallyingforth]

No fedup you don't need to sort yourself out.
You'll be fine without him.

[lambethlil]

Is he dds father? Either way your setting her an awful example.