To not want my dp to go out with this friend?

[fedup11]

I'm feeling very sensitive so please don't be too hard on me.

I've been with my dp for almost 4 years and it's been a bumpy ride, he takes us out, he generally treats me pretty good (day to day), helps out with dd and is really good with her, he generally just accepts me for who I am which is something I value in a person.

But he has also treated me like complete shit on occassion, examples, about 2 years into our relationship I feel pregnant and practically forced me to have an abortion by not speaking to me for weeks and making it very clear he did not want the responsibility. He refuses to commit to anything more than a weekend relationship this is partly down ot the distance we live apart. We were once supposed to go away for two weeks with his family and he backed out at the last minute even though I'd booked time off work etc. On occassions where we have split up for a few weeks I've found out on his computer that he's joined dating sites and been chatting to women, been flirting with women on Facebook that he's met on chat rooms. He breaks up with me every few months over silly things.

Anyway, the latest spat, he has this mate that I really don't think a lot of, this mate has a child he seems to never bother with a just uses the mother to have sex with when he wants it, on the one occassion I was 'allowed' to meet this friend he blanked us and went off on the pull, he's text my dp things like when they have been supposed to be going for a curry that they are gong for some 'pilau and pussy', although do swears his mates just immature, I hate the ways his mate speaks about women, it's all 'tits and ass' this. So if dp says he wants to meet this friend I cringe, he doesn't go out very often probably only twice a month but as he went out last week and we were supposed to be having a long weekend as a family I was pissed off when he told me he was meeting the twat, so it resulted in a big row and him telling me I'm controlling and wants to break up.

Yes I know you're supposed to trust your partner but for us the trust has well and truly had it and is taking time to build back up but he can't see this or obviously doesn't care.

[AdmiralBenson]

Everyone here speaks sense.

He doesn't want to commit to you and he never will, believe me. You deserve much, much better than this, OP.

[HecateTrivia]

He does sound awful and like he barely cares for you at all.

You are worth more than this. You deserve someone who truly cherishes you, not someone who makes you feel so sad at least 70% of the time but who you cling to for that 30% when he does something borderline nice for you.

fyi - that's how bastards operate. unleash the bastardlyness but be sure to throw in a regular dose of something blissful. If you're a bastard 100% of the time, she's more likely to leave. Throw her a scrap of niceness once in a while and hopefully she'll stick around.

you deserve more. Is this the life you want?

You have a daughter. You are her role model. When the time comes for her to look out there for a relationship - do you want this to be what she thinks love is/

[PurplePidjinghamPalace]

You've been together 4 years. He bought a house 2 years ago.

Normal would be for you to have moved in together at that 2 year point.

Dp and I were 2 hours apart when we first met. He started coming down sat pm for 24 hours, by week 3 or 4 it was early Friday pm to Monday morning...
Because we wanted to spend as much time as possible together! 2.5 years on and we're still fairly inseparable (separate interests, and he's moved in, too) and looking forward to PFB. I can honestly say he's never sulked or belittled me even in an argument, even when we found out about pfb having both just been made redundant.

Ps: My school was a 30 min drive away, an hour on the bus. I still had to go every day!

[HaleAndPacemaker]

Fantastic post notmyproblem

Best of luck to you OP, I'm sure you have a lot to think about :)

[GnomeDePlume]

He's not your partner. He's just some bloke you met.

[HerMajAnyFucker]

great post

[notmyproblem]

OP, ask yourself what your life is going to be like in 10 or 20 years with this man. Still living apart, still the part-time girlfriend to a boy who never grew up, still getting screwed over and messed about and made to feel like it's you who's got the problem when in fact it's him who's never managed to commit to you?

So there you are nearly 40 or nearly 50, having wasted the better part of 10-20 years with this guy, years you will never get back. Wondering why you did that and resigned to a life of being second-place to his friends, his social life, his selfishness.

Think long and hard about this... ask yourself if your DD was in this exact same situation with a man, what advice would you give her? Would you really want to see her waste the best years of her life with a guy like that?

It's not too late for you. There are a million and one guys out there who are better than this guy. Please, get some real life counselling to sort out why you feel you're not good enough for a proper relationship with a decent man. Then kick this guy to the curb.

[lambethlil]

Is he dds father? Either way your setting her an awful example.

[Sallyingforth]

No fedup you don't need to sort yourself out.
You'll be fine without him.

[HerMajAnyFucker]

and you are to be commended to be still listening to the things that are "not nice to hear"

why would all these people, who have no emotional investment in your life, be pretty unanimous in their judgement of this defective man, though ?

we don't gain a thing by it

[fedup11]

And I appreciate the honesty but it's not nice to hear.

[fedup11]

Due on and had all this today so sensitive.

Despite how I probably sound I'm not a complete emotional wreck, I'm very confident in my parenting, fairly confident in my appearance & my job. My relationships seem to be my downfall.

But I have basically been told today by him that he's really nice to me, too nice, how he takes me out everywhere and buys me everything and isn't willing to be controlled and told he shouldn't go out with said arsehole mate. I didn't actually say he couldn't it was more a passive aggressive I'm pissed off as I thought we were all having a long weekend together seen as I'm confined to weekends only these days and you went last week but really I just hate your friend and am convinced you're cheating on me when you meet him, to which he blew his top.

I can see that even though you are strangers 30* of you can't all be wrong and my own family so really if I don't sort myself out I need my head looking at.

[HerMajAnyFucker]

aw, I didn't see YR's post as sarky

[fedup11]

Oh sorry took that the wrong way

[yellowraincoat]

I wasn't taking the piss AT ALL.

I am being deadly serious.

Fellow low self esteem sufferer here.

[fedup11]

yellowraincoat I'm guessing that is sarcasm, no need really.

I probably do have low self esteem I had a pretty shit upbringing and then an extremely abusive relationship with dds father, so ye I possibly do but not really seeing the funny side.

[MushroomSoup]

Jesus, what a lovely little boy he is! Needs his sleep rather than his girlfriend. Oh...he's not four? He's THIRTY? Are you sure?

[HaleAndPacemaker]

A 30min drive is not a LDR!!

Potentially rude Q, but is your do the father of your dd?

Agree with all of the sentiments posted thus far.

[yellowraincoat]

Could you arrange some counselling - just for you? To resolve your self esteem issues? Even just a couple of sessions could help you, I think.

I have a therapist, she's great. Really helps me to see things more clearly.

[fedup11]

That's ok I posted I expect opinions.

I do of course know that all of this is wrong and not sure I even know what's normal anymore. And I probably make a lot of excuses for him put it down to immaturity and hope someday it will get better.

[midori1999]

Well in that case I apologise for making assumptions. However, at the very least, surely you realise that if your relationship has not moved on in four years, he is not seriously interested in you?

You and your DD deserve better and I'm sure you know that really.

[Notfootball]

Surely you feel some iota relief when you break up? Take that relief and run with it, far, far away.

[fedup11]

Oh also dd has a bedroom in his house and I have stuff there but we spend little time there.

[fedup11]

midori no honestly he does only have that one friend. He did have more but basically when he met me and stopped going out every Fri, Sat, Sun they ditched him. Now he sticks with this one mate.

I have met his family and do know them quite well ish they are lovely, his mum always gets dd and I lovely birthday and Xmas presents, and have spent Xmas with them etc, his mum knew about the pregnancy and berated him for the way he treated me as he lived at home then, he bought his house 2 years ago and spend a year getting it liveable. His mum also texts and invites me over but this is another things he shows little interest in.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

When I first met my DH, he lived 5000 miles away from my home. We made it work because we loved each other. This bloke is an arsehole. One thing really sticks with me. He has one friend, who hates, denigrates and disrespects women. You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "show me who a man's friends are and I will tell you who he is".