To feel like refusing to let a child share the toys in the garden.

[Mcblubber]

We have a shared garden.
My children have a playhouse, sandpit, swing and various toys.
I bought them all and maintain the garden.
I insist my children share and would not let them make another child get out the house if they wanted it for themselves or similar.
My children are told not to bring anything out if they do not want to share as it is a communual space.
This wee boy will bring a toy out then abandon it - using our swing or trampoline.
My 2 year old will start to play with it and he gets upset and wants it back, not to play with just to stop mine having it.
He is 3, a full year older than my child.
His mother lets him snatch it back and mildly tells him it is wrong but does not insist that he shares.
This has happened more than once.
I won't because it is not his fault he is not taught to share.

Ok - if your garden is shared there's nowt you can do about the neighbour's kid playing on your stuff.
The kid's toy however, isn't shared. It's his.

Yabu. Sorry.

YANBU to be cross, but have you actually spoken to the mother and said, 'I am trying to teach DC to share, it's hard isn't it, is your DC happy to share his toys in return for using my DCs or should we make them stick to their own?'

I expect she will want her DC to be able to play with your stuff and might make more of an effort to teach her DC to share.

The trampoline isn't shared pictish it is ours.
The garden by the way is not her shared garden but we are a friendly lot here and wander freely amongst the shared greens.

I'd do what knowitall says. I think that would pass a message very nicely.

I did say he should share as he shares our toys, was surprised his mum did not back this up.
What will probably happen is he will continue to use the toys but will not bring anything with him.
I bought the toys with the intention of sharing them as it is great fun for all the children to play together.

I don't see a problem if he doesn't bring anything with him, as you have said you are happy to share. The problem comes when he brings something your DC sees and would like to play with, and then won't share it.

If you have spoken to the mum in a friendly way already, next time you will have to say, 'If your DC can't share his toys it is not fair for me to ask my DC to.' Make it clear and put the ball in her court. It will then be up to her to explain to her DC that either he comes with nothing, shares what he brings or can't play with other people's toys.

Good luck!

YABU a bit, it seems a bit like sinking to his level to me, and he is 3...sorry

hmm i am not sure on this one actually.

i think it's lovely that you bought garden items that they could all share and that you let this little boy join in.

did you only buy it so that your children could get soemthing in return?

the other little boy doesn't want to share his stuff, and that (IMO) is fine. If i was his parent I would encourage him to share, but i wouldn't force him to just beucase you chose to buy sharable garden toys.

the thing is, a trampoline can be shared. a playhouse can be shared... you can all play together in a sandpit.
but if he brings a toy car out only one person can play with that at a time can't they?

it seems a little bit petty to say "i bought these toys for them all to share, but i'm not going to let him use them now because he won't share his toys"

he is 3!!

I do get why you feel like this, really I do, it must be incredibly frustrating.
But I think you're either happy to share your stuff or you aren't. and that shouldn't depend on whether a 3 year old shares his stuff with your children shoudl it?

knowitall has made a good suggestion.

Agree with knowitall. Sounds like a good plan.

Yep - knowitall has it right.

Have you all been reading my other thread?

What other thread?

I started a thread in chat about how I love it when people agree with me and thought you were all taking the piss!
Sorry for going off topic OP!

I think in this case you have put it very well. Perhaps you are just exceptionally wise. Have a

I would stop him using your childrens toys,
why should they have to share weverything,
yabu

do you make your kids share because it is the right thing to do or because you want them to grow up being kind, polite and generous. If it is the former then talk to the mother, lock the playhouse and be done. If it is the latter then part of that is teaching your kids to be gracious even when someone else isn't.

not taking the piss knowitall - you just gave a really good reply for the OP to use

I could not say to my DC, 'Wait your turn for the trampoline, other DC is on it, but you can't use his toy while you are waiting because he won't let you'.

There is teaching your kids to be gracious and there is teaching them to be walked all over, to always give something for nothing. It is a hard life lesson to teach, sharing, especially when the child of 2 can see another child not being made to share.

Lots of parents I know hide away their DC's favourite special toys when they have friends over. It is fine not to share everything. But I don't know anyone who would give their child the message that it is fine to take advantage of someone's generous nature while at the same time displaying a toy of your own which you will let them see but not touch.

We used to hide favourite toys when other kids came over. I still maintain what I said. I think it is helpful later in life when you have to deal with selfish people who act like shits. My DS is now a teen and doesn't take it personally when he is generous to someone and someone is not back, he learned that lesson when he was younger. Just shrug and think to yourself that it was a shame that so and so has no manners.

I still teach my kids to share, even though there is always someone who won't, the majority do.

I started dating my husband because he was the most generous unselfish person I had ever met at at 18. Even to people who didn't appreciate it. He is no doormat though.

In this case I would probably tell the mother that her ds is free to use our stuff, but if he doesn't want to share his toy then she should hang onto it while he is in our garden.

Do your children ask before using the other child's toys? Just because he may not ask to use the toys you have supplied does not mean that your children just presume to use his.
I would say quite loudly within the mothers hearing ' can dc please play with your toy car while you play in the play house, that would be so kind of you to share it' if he says no then thats up to him, but I think because you are teaching your children to share they are in danger of expecting others to do the same and thats not always the case.

I must be a right bitch, no way would I make my dc share when another child blatantly wouldn't. Especially if its not their specific shared garden.

agree with hopandaskip

i (try) and teach mine that they should be kind and share stuff even when others don't.
i would maybe say something quite loudly along the lines of "no darling, X doesn't like to share his toys, perhaps you can show him how because he is still learning"
maybe mum will take the hint?

I have no intention of refusing to let any child use the toys.
I think that is a mean suggestion.
Read the post properly, especially the last line.
Nor do I expect anything except for the parent to assist fair play.
It is not a good lesson for the child.
Yes use these toys but of course you do not have to share yours.
Surely if someone borrows something they should be prepared to share.
That is what the parent should be teaching.
Of course the childs reaction is normal.
But the mother's is not in my opinion.