To feel like refusing to let a child share the toys in the garden.

[Mcblubber]

We have a shared garden.
My children have a playhouse, sandpit, swing and various toys.
I bought them all and maintain the garden.
I insist my children share and would not let them make another child get out the house if they wanted it for themselves or similar.
My children are told not to bring anything out if they do not want to share as it is a communual space.
This wee boy will bring a toy out then abandon it - using our swing or trampoline.
My 2 year old will start to play with it and he gets upset and wants it back, not to play with just to stop mine having it.
He is 3, a full year older than my child.
His mother lets him snatch it back and mildly tells him it is wrong but does not insist that he shares.
This has happened more than once.
I won't because it is not his fault he is not taught to share.

For example:

I have a car. But I don't want to drive to work because of the cost of petrol. So I get a lift from someone. I never offer to return the favour, even though they know I have a car and could do so.

If they keep giving me a lift, yes, they are generous. But they are also a pushover.

The child is 3. The OP is not going to put up a big 'keep off' sign on the toys which she paid for. As she says, the child's reaction is normal. But there is no reason for the mother not to be encouraging sharing and showing the advantages that being generous can bring. At this early age, when their understanding is limited, it is easier to teach them to share by showing that if everyone does it, everyone benefits. It is hard to teach them that if they share, the only benefit is a warm fuzzy feeling of kindness inside while someone else plays with their toys.

When they are older they will learn that yes, some people don't know how to share or return a favour and that is just life. But teaching them to share in the first place, different.

not my responsibility to parent another child though. There are a lot of things I think other parents should do differently, I'm sure they think the same about me.

Thing is, you can't control that. If the mother doesn't want to make the child share - that is up to her. She isn't obliged to have some sort of reciprocal toy sharing arrangement with you. - It would be nice if she did! I would. I think any reasonable person would - but she doesn't HAVE to, and that's the point. It doesn't matter what you expect, because you don't have control over it. You can't make what you expect happen (although, like I say, I do think you are right and reasonable in that wish and she is not. But what i think doesn't matter because I've got no say in her choice either )

So since you have no control over what she chooses to allow, all you can do is continue to let the child use the stuff and accept that it's one way, or say no. I thought knowitall's suggestion was good because it was tactful, made a 'connection' (bonding over a suggestion of shared difficulties with getting children to share) while highlighting the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it, and the one way toy share has been noticed.

Still agree with knowitall, very wise words, and no didn't see the thread in chat. You must just be very wise

I'd be inclined just to let them get on with it while giving whatever explanations to your own children that you feel appropriate.

If the child is constantly having to get off the trampoline to "defend" his own toys then your children will no longer have to wait to use the trampoline as he won't be on it! I expect this other child will eventually figure out that he can't have it both ways.

Pictish your post made me snort wine out of my nose , it really hurts , please furnish me with your address so that i may sue you

Just because you want your child to share doesnt make the other child or mother wrong that they dont want to share their toys.

By 3yo, if my dc were being selfish like that with a toy, taking it back just because someone else started playing with it when they weren't, I'd be taking the toy off my dc, giving it back to the dc that was playing with it, and if my dc kicked off, they'd be getting a time out and not playing with ANY toys!

My dc have all been able to share from roughly 15mo, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Teach them young enough and they know no different!

I WOULD stop a non-sharing 3yo from playing with the garden toys, after explaining to his mum that he either shares his own toys too, or doesn't bring his toys out. Of course a 3yo should understand about sharing and turn taking. I'm that people think they aren't able to.

I'm glad my dc and my friends dc are all expected to share from a very early age, it would get right on my wick to spend time with someone whose dc were selfish.

why should your kids share their toys,?
I think this will come back and bite you on the bum,
your kids need to have their own stuff and make their own rules.

Still think knowitall has the best response.

Of course your DCs should learn to share. There are few things more unappealing than a child who freaks out when someone dares to play with their toy. (unless it's extra special). I think you sound great that you are letting other kids share, but it would be nice if it's reciprocal.

I think that if the 3 yr old isn't willing to share a toy then that toy should not be brought out into the garden, which is a sharing/playing together environment.

On a tangent I have a friend who always lets her DS bring some new delicate overpriced toy to the park/playground, and as soon as my DD sees it she wants to look or touch it (and she is not the delicate playing type). We go to the park to play/run around - don't bring 'special' toys just because you are too soft to tell your DS to leave it in the car/at home. [ends rant]

Also I think it can be better with this age group to focus on 'taking turns' rather than sharing all the time. I would go over to the older child and ask them if your DS can take a turn, his mum will get the hint (or not care in which case you know where you stand).

I don't understand how the shared garden thing works?! How many houses use it-who maintains it-flowers/mows lawn etc?

I'm not sure I'd fancy buying a load of garden stuff for the whole street to use. Could anyone come in and steal it?