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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is the last straw and ex-dp should tell her to stop?

46 replies

nottodayplease · 01/06/2012 13:19

I found out in January that then-dp was having an affair, I still don't know how I'm managing but according to everyone else I am. We've had many inevitable rows, dp is still living at home, part time, for the kids which is really hard but at least i don't have to see him much. I've coped with telling family/friends and think i'm getting used to being a single mum so it seems so stupid that one thing today has floored me.

I went on facebook to message a friend about a birthday and while I was on I saw a message on my ex's wall from his 'girlfriend'. Stupidly I clicked on her name and obviously I'm not friends with her but her privacy settings must b e low or something because I could read everything, and of course I shouldn't have but I read all her messages back ages. She seems to update fb about every time she breathes and has basically documented her and ex's entire relationship like it's Romeo and Juliet or something. Obviously I know he goes out with her a lot but seeing it in black and white, down to where they've been to dinner, photos of them together and how 'fab' the flowers he bought her were is just a bit much, many of them with replies from him about how happy he is. I know I shouldn't even have looked but anyone who knows me or them could have looked and it's so humiliating. Am I bu to tell my ex how horrible this is and could they at least keep their hideous relationship under wraps?

OP posts:
LadyTeeAndBiscuits · 01/06/2012 13:21

First thing to do is kick him out. Now.

Second thing to do is stop stalking his new GF on FB.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 01/06/2012 13:24

We've talked, a lot, about him moving out but it always comes back to the fact I couldn't afford to keep the house on my own and he couldn't afford to pay as much of the bills as he can now if he had to live somewhere else. I'm saving like mad to live apart but right now I can't afford it.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 01/06/2012 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2012 13:24

you don't happen onto someone's wall. You need to block them both so you can't be tempted to read any of it.

and yes, kick him out.

CrispyCod · 01/06/2012 13:25

Yep, kick him out.

I'm surprised his new girlfriend is happy with this set up either.

Why should he get the best of both worlds. The kids will be just fine if he goes and your life will be a hell of a lot better and you will be able to move on and find someone else.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 01/06/2012 13:26

She lives in a shared house and even though he spends about 4 nights a week sleeping there apparently he's not allowed to move in. I know I shouldn't have looked but I did - can I block someone I'm not actually friends with?

OP posts:
Dprince · 01/06/2012 13:26

It would be nice for them to not do this. But they are a couple and some couples do this kind of thing. What's wrong here is that he doesn't want move. He needs to go. Tbh you need to stop looking at her on Facebook for your own sanity.

MissMogwi · 01/06/2012 13:27

Personally I would defriend your ex, or at least hide him.

I would have looked at the posts too, if they were so easy to see on his wall, and I would have looked on her profile. I'm sure many others would do the same. But what I have learnt from being in very similar circumstances to you, is that we never find out anything we like from having a nosey.

It's still early days for you, and it still hurts. It took me years to get over my ex being a horrible bastard. Give yourself time and space.

He needs to move out, so you can move on.

Best of luck.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/06/2012 13:28

Your ex has no right to tell his girlfriend what she can and can't put other own Facebook page. It upsets you to see it, so don't allow yourself to be upset in that way again and block them both.you will feel much better after ou have done that.

IAmBooybilee · 01/06/2012 13:29

erm what goes on on her fb wall about her and her boyfriend are sod all to do with you. stop snooping on her page and it wont bother you. you dont get to dictate how public someone is about their relationship.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/06/2012 13:32

Yes you can block someone you aren't friends with, Ive done it.i can't remember how though, but I think you will have to be on a PC rather than an app, or do it through safari.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 01/06/2012 13:33

But her 'boyfriend' is my kids dad, anyone could be reading and know exactly what's going on to the last detail. What if it starts getting back to them?

OP posts:
MissMogwi · 01/06/2012 13:35

OP's ex had an affair in January and left her for this woman. Thats only a few months ago, and they are still living in the same house. The lack of space from each other means this break up is being dragged out, and it would have been painful enough anyway.

No, the ex can't tell his girlfriend what to do, and it is up to her what she writes on her wall. But give the OP a break, she's hurting and we all get a bit unreasonable and mad when we are heartbroken.

OP, I hate to say it but you will have to suck it up. Block them both, it's for the best. You really don't need to know what they are getting up to and you need to move on.

manicbmc · 01/06/2012 13:36

If it gets back to people who know him, all it will show is what an utter shit he is.

Look for somewhere else to live and get some legal advice about what he needs to pay you. Then kick him out. It does not matter if he has no where to go or that he can't live with his gf. That is his problem.

RemembersButtonMoon · 01/06/2012 13:36

I am so sorry... you must be so very hurt with the betrayal in the first place and to see this being broadcast must be even more so.

Take some reassurance in the fact that their relationship probably will not work out (relationships that start with an affair are not generally built on trust) and that your ex is now with someone who updates their Facebook profile with every breath (never the most interesting people, in my opinion). Remember that people only 'Facebook' that they want others to see... not everything is always as sugary sweet as Facebook portrays.

For you to move on he does need to move out. At the moment he is having the best of both worlds and it is possibly confusing your children even more... children can sense atmospheres. It will be best for you and your children to re-establish stability for you all and move on. Very best of luck!

IAmBooybilee · 01/06/2012 13:38

what if what gets back to them (teh dcs?) dont they know you and their dad have split up? what would get back to them exactly that you dont want them to know?

quoteunquote · 01/06/2012 13:40

I suspect she kept her privacy setting low so that you would see, and not be in denial as to the seriousness of their relationship.

you need to tell your children what is happing as they probable suspect, they have spent their entire life time learning to read you, and someone else will tell them,

you might be careful what you say in front of them, but you can't guarantee other people will be, in front of them or any of their friends.

HillyWallaby · 01/06/2012 13:44

How old are your children?

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2012 13:49

blocking is easy.

go into her page and look to the top right. Next to the 'add a friend' box there is a box saying 'message' with a down arrow next to it.
Click on the down arrow and click on 'report/block'
tick the box next to her name.

done.

takes seconds.

Inertia · 01/06/2012 13:51

Perhaps I am more underhand than all of you, but I would be taking screen shots of the details they put up of the nights away and meals out and flowers, and use them in any formal financial discussions . This is why he can't afford to move out and still support his family -he's spending the family's money on treats for OW.

BoboksAndCot · 01/06/2012 14:13

Excellent suggestion Inertia

Nineathena · 01/06/2012 14:14
  1. Get the bastard out of the house.
  2. Defriend him on FB, after screenshotting as much of the 'girlfriend's' posts to keep if you need to sue for maintenance.

He sounds like a TOOL.

Thumbwitch · 01/06/2012 14:17

Yes you can definitely block someone you aren't friends with. The only people I have blocked are people I never wanted to be friends with!

As for the rest - try and get your ex to move out. It's beyond mean to have to live the way you are at the moment. :(

PosieParker · 01/06/2012 14:18

kick him out.

You shouldn't care if that makes him homeless....just get rid.

PosieParker · 01/06/2012 14:19

Inertia Fri 01-Jun-12 13:51:56
Perhaps I am more underhand than all of you, but I would be taking screen shots of the details they put up of the nights away and meals out and flowers, and use them in any formal financial discussions . This is why he can't afford to move out and still support his family -he's spending the family's money on treats for OW.

just repeating a fabulous idea!!!