to think this is the last straw and ex-dp should tell her to stop?

[nottodayplease]

I found out in January that then-dp was having an affair, I still don't know how I'm managing but according to everyone else I am. We've had many inevitable rows, dp is still living at home, part time, for the kids which is really hard but at least i don't have to see him much. I've coped with telling family/friends and think i'm getting used to being a single mum so it seems so stupid that one thing today has floored me.

I went on facebook to message a friend about a birthday and while I was on I saw a message on my ex's wall from his 'girlfriend'. Stupidly I clicked on her name and obviously I'm not friends with her but her privacy settings must b e low or something because I could read everything, and of course I shouldn't have but I read all her messages back ages. She seems to update fb about every time she breathes and has basically documented her and ex's entire relationship like it's Romeo and Juliet or something. Obviously I know he goes out with her a lot but seeing it in black and white, down to where they've been to dinner, photos of them together and how 'fab' the flowers he bought her were is just a bit much, many of them with replies from him about how happy he is. I know I shouldn't even have looked but anyone who knows me or them could have looked and it's so humiliating. Am I bu to tell my ex how horrible this is and could they at least keep their hideous relationship under wraps?

Wow, that must be horrible. I'm morbidly curious like you, and would have looked too. It's tough, as you are obviously trying to sort out moving out, but it does take time. Not much practical in the way of advice, but I would just try not to look again, and just stand firm on the high ground. You're right - anyone can see this, and they're going to know that that her lovely boyfriend might give her flowers and take her out for nice meals, but they also know he cheated on his wife, and broke up his family. I'm sure all her friends think he is a great catch

Do your parents know about this set up, and how far away do they live? I need to know how old your kids are and whether they are aware that mummu and daddy are no longer together properly.

I have a plan.

I did this...very similar situation in fact. After it was over and we were living seperately, I had counselling and discovered that my detective work was the reason why I had appeared to cope so well, I was simply distracting myself from the pain of what had happened/was happening.

Of course everyone is different and this might not be the case for you, but you do need to stop: the only person you're hurting is you and she probably left her profile vulnerable just to rub your nose in in (because she's jealous that her man is living with you!).

Let yourself be angry about was he did, not what he's doing now and put your energies towards making the break physically by moving out.

Its a shit situation. don't let it make you crazy x

email her:

Dear XXX

as you know DPcuntface is still living with me. Despite still having a relationship with you! How funny!

Naturally I am upset and berefit. A not So well meaning friend directed me to your facebook page (you have no privacy, did you know?). I was just delighted to see a facebook history of your sweet touching romance, and my friends and famIly were very touched to see it too (did I mention, he is still living with us?)

given that he has XXX children, and a soon to be expartner, may I politely request that you adjust your privacy setting? My worry is that the children somehow see a public record of how their Dad cheated and humilated their Mum

THANKS!!!!!

OP, stay strong, you deserve better xxxx

Don't communicate with her or him about it. Just defriend him. End of story.

Are you renting or buying. If renting then best to move out with the kids.

I agree with Inertia & Porc.

How on earth you can keep this charade up I'll never know and if he can afford to be doing stuff with her and buying her stuff he can afford to move out - even if it's to a friends.

Do your kids not know you have split up? They need telling if they don't already know and they need to know Daddy has a girlfriend - before someone else tells them.

The dc's are 8,5 and 2 if that makes any difference for anything, and we own the house but the mortgage is more a month than my salary so really need ex-p's to stay here otherwise I'm not sure where we could move to. He worked out on the CSA website how much he'd have to pay in support and it wouldn't be enough to stay here, it's less than he contributes now, but he reckons it would be more than he could afford anyway if he had to pay rent/mortgage etc to live somewhere else.

The two oldest know we've split but the youngest obviously doesn't know anything. I didn't want them to know he had a girlfriend but he told them and even introduced them when they were out with him one day so it's too late to worry about that, but I don't want the relationship rubbed in their face or talked about a lot as though it's something they should be happy about.

I'm doing screenshots now, taking ages because fb is slow on my computer, I know it's silly but I don't know if I've got the strength to block them both, somehow not knowing what's going on would be worse.

My parents know we've split up and need to still live together for the mortgage but I keep all the details from them.

Go to the CAB and check what help you can get to stay where you are.

There is a benefit checker too somewhere, if your Ex has enough money to go out wining and dining, he has enough money to move out.

You are living with a guy that spends over half the time over at his GFs house and you let him back in the door? Where the actual heck is your self esteem woman? (meant kindly)

Educate yourself on the help you can get without him in your life, tell him to make up the shortfall if any and tell him to GTAF out of your house. Give him 48 hours. He can spend the following 4 days at hers and that ought to be enough time to find somewhere to move to.

If you don't demand respect, he's not going to give you any.

Make a show of him, show your kids how to rise above him, and that cheats get the boot.

Hissyness - I see what you're saying about self-esteem, I feel like I'm living a complete lie at the moment, having to act like the better person about everything, but I also know that if he moved out he'd only have to give us less than £500 a month and with my wages that would only just pay the mortgage and nursery fees, let alone all the other bills, whereas if he stays here we can pay for everything and he just takes out about £100 a week for his pocket money. I can't see anyway of surviving without his money until our youngest is at school.

OP of course you'll survive financially without him. You work so you'd get your maintenance in full, plus assistance towards your mortgage (I believe - I know it works slightly differently for mortgages and rent but I do still think you would get financial assistance until the house was sold), you would also get assistance towards the children's nursery fees and child tax credit and working tax credit.

Its so easy to say "leave" but I get how hard it is financially

But you MUST start to claw back your self respect, and start to make plans for a seperate life, random ideas include:

explore how you can boost your career
find out your entitlement if he fucks off, no need to do anything just get the data
start to let him know he is only there cos you cant afford it otherwise, let him know your longer term plans are to live seperately
can he move in with her? rent free? she loves him after all according to her fucking FB
ask him, what are his plans? he loves her, presumably he wants to be with her. Throw it at him? How can he have the alleged love of his life and support his family? he cant want to continue like this?

Just do something, as it will make you feel more empowered

I am so sorry, it sucks XXXXX

could you also OP look at renting out a room? thinking of a nurse or similiar?

so sorry to hear what you are going through, but you need to get him out - for your own sanity

thinking of you

OK. So why do you let him stay at hers several nights a week? Why don't you tell him that for a while you will spend the the day doing whatever you do, working, being with your kids etc, you will see them as you usually would, at hime after school/nursery etc, but then and then go to your parents several nights a week? and if he argues tell him he's got no choice. If he wants to save money by staying in the house whilst rubbing your nose in his affair then he can't possibly object if you find it impossible to share the house with him, and have found somehere free to stay from 6pm onwards, can he?

Let him be the one to worry about putting them to bed, and getting them ready for school and still being at work on time. Let him worry about whether he can do all that without it affecting his career or his new realtionship. Let him be the one to do their food shopping, their laundry and their school reading, so he doesn't have time to go shagging around like a footloose 25 year old four nights a week. And why wouldn't he want to do that for them? - after all, it's you he has fallen out of love with, not them, right? He is still as in love with them as he ever was, right? And it's what thousands of dumped mothers all over the world do, day on day out, year on year.

Let him have a taste of it.

See how much she gloats and preens on fb about how great life is, and how perfect and romantic he is, when she can't get a look-in for small children needing his time and attention.

home, not hime

OP: so, how long do you think this can go on? What is likely to change? Is his gf, now living in shared accommodation, suddenly going to buy a house? As it looks now, you might be living like this for the next 16 years or so (till your youngest is 18) with nothing changing. Also, maybe some time down the line, what are your chances for another relationship? With your ex living with you?

I'd ask him to move out, put the house up for sale, buy a smaller/cheaper one and where he lives is his problem.

I am sure a lot of us have clicked on an exes page to see what he is up to just out of curiosity.
Id kick him out. You will be better on your own and so will the kids because then they know that you are not together and they can begin to get used to mum n dad being apart.
Id give it a few months and i bet if u checked her page again she wont be saying the same things.
You ex sounds like a bit of a twat by not doing the decent thing and moving out.

As you are working will you get a chunk of tax credits towards their nursery fees? Also working tax credits?

Have you had a look on their website and calculated it? With that, single parent discount on the CT plus the maintenance would you be able to survive?

I am very worried that he is staying because it is cheaper/convenient as he can't move in with her but as soon as they decide they want to be together suddenly his opinion that he cannot afford it will miraculously disappear and you will be dumped in the shit.

Op my sympathies, you are in a horrible situation
But like picking at a scab you wont heal until you stop peeking at her FB page
I'd not give him or her the satisfaction of knowing how much it upsets you.
It would be tempting to post something on her wall but no matter what you do or say she will see you as being the unreasonable ex and wont get it, I assume she knew he was married when the affair started.
Good idea to take screen shots to show he's been spending money on her but DONT keep looking in the folder you store them in

Have you looked taken any financial advice?
You may be entitled to more in the way of tax credits as I believe maintence isnt included in their calulations.

Gosh that sounds so hard, you poor thing! And I'd have looked at her Facebook! I wouldn't have the strength to block her/him, I would HAVE to know!
No advice other than kick him out. Then get out of any relationship with him bar children-logistics, and stay out. Sending giant virtual hugs and gin. X x x

this is great for him isn't it ?

he doesn't even have to do his bit wrt arranging contact with his dc's, nor run a household of his own

you stay at home like a good little doormat while he shags his bird, making sure the whole world sees how great they are

do you get to go out and enjoy yourself ?

for the 3/4 nights a week he stays at OW's, you should get the same deal on the others

go to a solicitor and get this all formalised, even if you can't yet afford to run 2 separate houses

How long can this go on for OP?

Most mortgages are for 25yrs, you're going to have to arrange something soon aren't you?

You need proper professional advice as soon as possible because I suspect this OW isn't going to put up with him living with you for much longer....therefore you need to sort out your rights and finances before you get left in the lurch.