To think my DP should just give up smoking "just like that"?

[mama01]

Ok, you are here now. I really want to know what "support" does he need to give up smoking as he says he wants to. I'm of the opinion he should just give up, how am I supposed to help? But his response to this is "You are not supporting me" so he stops trying.

He's always smoked roll ups, ever since I met him. I dislike smoking but in comparison to spending the rest of my life bored and lonely tis a small thing......

He only smokes when drinking really; at the pub, mate's houses or at night watching tv or listening to music. Not many a day, sometimes none usually anything from one to half a dozen.When he moved in with me he was actually pissed off that I wanted him to smoke out the back door (something friends do without eve asking...) which pissed me off even more. He eventually got his own space in the house and this is where he smokes. He's there now...

I thought he'd give up when he moved in, when we were trying for baby, when I got pregnant, when our DC was born, etc etc. No. He still smokes although he's had a few periods when he has stopped for a while. In a way it's not a huge problem as it's out of sight etc. But he's shortening his life expectancy, his mum's had lung cancer and has emphycema and he has a child who I want him to be a father to for as long as possible. He says he wants to stop, but when he last really tried I was accused of not supporting him. I don't know what this means and he can't or won't explain.

I know I am not a sympathetic person when I think someone could do better (ie when they are ill - just get on with it....) so I don't think I'm the best person to flag wave on the road to being nicotine-free. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I really don't know.

You can't do anything, except ban it from the house altogether. He'll only stop when he wants to, but you have the right for it not to be in your home.

Regarding encouragement, I'd say keep saying how you know he can do it, that he's done it before, and each time he does it makes the absolute end more likely...star charts in the form of money spreadsheets with treat purchase goals, maybe if there's something you could do without too as a form of solidarity, that you act 'keener' on him when he's not smoked (no terrible breath, no horrible smell etc. - don't say that though - oh you taste so different, keenly, maybe) - although I would baulk at all that myself, so I don't know why I'm recommending it to you!

Don't nag - it's counter -productive. He smoked when you met him so nagging him won't achieve anything.

If he reduces his smoking or takes it out of the house etc. a few words of encouragement would be good - e.g "Thank you for smoking outside. I'm really glad you don't smoke in the house now and you have made a lot of effort".

It doesn't sound like he smokes very much anyway so don't turn into a harpy who hounds him about it. That isn't supportive and it really won't help.

I'm a smoker (who has reduced intake and only smoke outside) and I hate when my DH nags. It gets my back up and if he patronises me by saying "well done" I get very unreasonable!
Much better if he say's neutrally encouraging things like what I suggested above - "I'm glad you have limited your cigarettes. Thank you."

He won't give up until he's ready. It doesn't really have a huge amount to do with how you feel unfortunately.

Support comes in the form of recognising that he's trying and, hopefully, being successful in his bid to quit. Putting up with irritability and restlessness that comes from the cravings. Just giving him a daily pat on the back and saying some encouraging things.

I gave up over two years ago, but it took me years to work up to it and no amount of nagging from dh helped or prompted me. I had to make my own decision.

www.amazon.co.uk/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/014103940X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338501919&sr=8-1

I now several men that have used the above book and given up. It has very good reviews

Get him to see a stop smoking advisor, look online to see what's available in your area, let him know if he lapses it no big deal, and probably to be expected at the start, it doesn't mean he's failed.

Its really bloody hard and honestly I wanted to beat the shit out of anyone who came near me when i tried stopping.

So be prepared for mood swings and arsiness, but try and let it go, and I think people do better if they use the patches, lozenges or spray.

Do you mean to not sound very nice?

YABU, it's an addiction. Not easy to quit at all. Perhaps you could ring the Stop Smoking helpline and ask for some advice on how to support him.

Giving up smoking is hell, ATM I could easily go for one but it's early days (3 weeks smoke free)

Smoking is an addiction, I am seeing a conseller trained with stopping smoking and taking champix.

Op no matter how much you beg and plead he will still smoke, he has got to want to do it

How you can support him, by just being there. When I really want a fag my dh gives me a cuddle tells me I smell nice and gives me a kiss ( we tend to kiss more as he didn't kiss me as it tasted like an ashtray)

Also treats like a cup of tea when I am stressed or the weekend we have just booked from the savings of giving up

My DP is in the process of giving up before our baby arrives. He got a few electronic cigs from Tescos which you actually charge up vis a USB port. Basically, I think, they give you that hit of nicotine without any of the harmful chemicals? Along side them he's been sucking some lozenges from Boots, which he says are RANK!! It's been nearly two weeks now and I'm as proud as punch of him

The E-cigs aren't expensive either, and he can 'smoke' anywhere he likes, because they only give off vapour opposed to actual smoke.

Jubilee in Wales you can get nrt free on the nhs If that will help and well done to your dp

This is a tricky one, I don't think you're being unreasonable but perhaps you could have a look at why you want him to stop? Does the taste make you feel ill or the smell? If so, that's okay to tell him that.

He can give up but may need some help from you so being open and supportive is a great start. It is hard but certainly not impossible.

And if he won't, you have to either stop caring or distance yourself from him.

No smoking in the house. Full stop.

You can't make someone quit - they have to want to. All you can do is make sure your DC have a smoke free house.

Tough one. You can't quit for him, he has to do it for himself. Fact is, he hasn't quit because he prefers smoking to having to bother quitting smoking.

""You are not supporting me" so he stops trying" = guilt trip for you, to ease his own lameass conscience.
Did you smoke around him, making him smell cigarettes and crave one himself? Or did you dare be something less than the supportive little woman mopping his fevered nicotine-deprived brow, thus making his mild discomfort slightly more uncomfortable?

If he can manage on one cigarette some days, he's not actually physically addicted to nicotine so he should be able to drop the habit pretty easily once he decides to do it for himself. One of the nicotine inhalators should do the job, suggest he gets a starter pack (£5-ish) and uses that whenever he feels like sparking up. And definitely get him smoking outside not in his own little stinking space indoors, why should your dc have to breathe in tobacco fumes for the sake of your dp not being inconvenienced?

Yes, I am an ex-smoker :o The ex-smokers are the worst, because we know quitting smoking isn't that hard, you just have to put yourself out a bit.

I enjoy smoking.. don't do it very often but do like a cigarette or 2 with a drink.

My teens go mad if they see me with a fag

Makes me feel a bit rebellious

However, it is my life and my choice, I know the risk as do people who ride motorbikes..

What I used to say to my dh, is you married a smoker so if you disliked it so much why have a relationship with a smoker.

I gave up for me, not for dh or my kids or money it was for me. I have never smoked in my house or while ttc or pregnant, I just do not want to smoke anymore

It's a no-win situation. Addicts are selfish. If you persuade him to quit he will resent you for 'making him do it'. If he fails to quit he will accuse you of 'not supporting him'. Best policy therefore is to stay out of it entirely. Don't support, condemn, suggest, encourage. Nothing. Because whatever you do or say, positive or negative, you will be the bad guy.

You chose him. You chose to have a child with him. Now you want to change the goalposts. I personally wouldn't touch a smoker with somebody elses bargepole but you did. YABU

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm glad of the mixed response, it means that I am right to feel he's being a bit lame in some respects (ubercat) but there is also positive I can do about it (Kelly McHappy hiddenhome salmotrutta...)

Tbh I don't really nag him it's just when the subject of him stopping comes up he lays it at my feet as if I'm responsible for him not keeping up with the quitting. I have dabbled with fags myself on and off (first one at 12...) but never seriously and never became addicted so I don't have an understanding of this aspect. But you are right kleptronic, I need to start exercising and keeping fit but really can't be arsed so maybe that's the thing I could do to put myself out and have a shared goal with him. And the suggestion about star charts made me laugh but I can see the sense.

But from what a few of you have said, being patient and keeping shtum with the sarky comments should be a big help to him.

Queenofthepirates I just want him to stop because of the health risks. He'd be gutted and I would be really pissed off if he got a serious illness because of smoking. Yes, pissed off as much as worried about him and I don't want that to happen.

And loopyloops it's just frustration at not knowing how to help that makes me sound a bit sharp about it.

YANBU but I don't know what to suggest. I smoked for 20 years and gave up when I found out i was pregnant. it wasn't fun to do (I obsessed about cigarettes fro weeks) but there was no question in my mind.

DP said he'd give up when the baby was born.

DS is 3.5 now.

I wish he'd stop. He does say he will, but it never happens.

But what can I do? It's an addiction, I can't do it for him, I can't make him do it.

If he mentions quitting just smile and say 'that would be really great'
Do not snap, or moan, or show frustration. Smoking is a nasty addiction and the smoker themself has to make the decision. As far as tools go I used Allen Carr with complete success.

It is difficult. My DH smokes and has tried numerous times to give up. Each time he tries I'm very positive about, even though I know there's a chance it won't stick. He'll get there eventually. The tough one for him is most of his friends smoke so he has to become a recluse for a while. I'm an ex-smoker myself (I gave up over 5 years ago, just before I got with DH) so I get how hard it can be.

I gave up because I wanted to...you will not have the willpower unless you create it yourself so nagging etc won't help.

E fags help a lot. Take a look.
I gave up six months ago and I still want one, daily, but I haven't.
Do try to be sympathetic, being a nag would just make me do it all the more.

Well OP I have some sympathy. I have been both a smoker and non smoker. hypocritical as it may sound, I really wouldn't have wanted a smoker for a partner (although that's not how life turns out) and i am really glad DH has never smoked.

However two things made me give up smoking very easily.. Only one is possible for your DH:

1. Getting pregnant- that blue line stopped me in my tracks.
2. Allen Carr's Easyway to stop smoking. Ask your DH to read it. Don't nag him to give up, just ask him to read the book, whilst smoking if he likes. That's all.

It's almost like a self hypnosis book of repetitive affirmations and it really works. By the end I was actually excited about giving up.

Hope this helps- good luck.

Also- ignore posters who says it's wrong to change someone. Yes he smoked when you met, but you didn't have kids then. Life changes and we have to change to adapt to that.