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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sit and stare at my neighbours house just incase something happens?

71 replies

Gatorade · 31/05/2012 22:42

Firstly, I know it's none of my business but this worries me.

I was chatting to my neighbour yeaterday as she was heading off out for a run. She mentioned her 2 year old DS was asleep inside the house (alone). I gently queried how often she left him, to which she replied for half an hour every week day while she runs, as he sleeps reliably and doesn't wake up. I must have made an 'eeek' face as she then (very nicely) explained that mum knows best. I even offered to pop around and sit with my DD in the house while she runs but she thought I was being neurotic.

So AIBU to sit and stare at the house while she runs to check smoke doesn't start poring out?! Or maybe even sit in the garden incase the poor little mite wakes up screaming (although not sure what I could do about that....)

OP posts:

loislaine · 31/05/2012 23:05

I think calling SS a bit much - ie do you want to get that involved? But definitely point out to her that something could happen to her whilst she was out, beyond her control, and he would be left alone.

MamaMaiasaura · 31/05/2012 23:05

Police not olive

Original poster

Gatorade · 31/05/2012 23:05

Right...tomorrow I will pop around to see her and bring it up again, I can see that me having an awkward conversation is infinately better then harm coming to her son (be it physical or the mental tourment of nobody coming if he wakes up and screams). I think I won't mention SS to start with, just try to explain the risks (although she is a well educated and sensible women...can't believe quite how reckless she is being, I think it's a classic case of 'it won't happen to me')

OP posts:

FizzyLaces · 31/05/2012 23:19

Gatorade I agree with a chat with your neighbour. But I don't think I would mention social work etc. I would say how and why you worry and perhaps offer to help if you can. Ask her not to do it again as you are worried about whether it is safe.

I think she has rationalised it and decided it is ok and you may change her mind if you speak about it an open and sensible way. I am getting that she is a single parent? Maybe she needs pointed in the direction of something that could offer her safe time out of her responsibilities?

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 01/06/2012 09:54

Let us know how you get on op, what an awful position to be in.

Floggingmolly · 01/06/2012 10:12

Definitely call SS. If she thinks she can do plainly dangerous things to make her life easier on the grounds that "Mum knows best" ie, I'm in charge so I'll do what I want, then she needs a good talking to from someone she might actually listen to.

TroublesomeEx · 01/06/2012 10:30

I'd phone the police the next time she goes out for a run. The second she leaves the house.

"Hello, the lady across the street from me has just gone out for a run leaving her 2 year old in the house alone. I know he's alone because I've offered to babysit and she's turned me down saying there's no need because he's a reliable sleeper. I'm really worried about him. She runs twice a week and is gone for 1/2 hour at a time."

The police will only say they've had a report that she'd left the child alone. You've already spoken to her about it and it hasn't changed her behaviour. As parents we all do things once and think "God what was I thinking?!" but she isn't doing that. She's risk assessed the situation and doesn't have a problem with it. She'd be unlikely to change her behaviour long term just because you've had a chat with her.

The problem is that something may never happen. but it may and if you haven't done anything else to prevent it you will have to live with that guilt.

How many neighbours come out of the wood work after an awful incident saying "I knew he/she/the situation wasn't right." and then go on to give some equally damning reason.

They will take this very seriously because, well, leaving a toddler in a house unsupervised is very serious.

hairylemon · 01/06/2012 11:10

Im so laid back Im horizontal, and I usually hate the cries of "you must call SS" on MN (as usually its over something that people dont actually know is happening) but in this case Id have no hesitation whatsoever in ringing them. I second that talking to her again wont make any difference, she is clearly an arrogant twat.

Original poster

Gatorade · 01/06/2012 11:33

Update: I have talked to her this morning but I am still in two minds about whether or not I should report her anyway as I don't know what will happen when she moves house in July (I happen to be getting my DD weighed with the health visitor this afternoon so I might mention it to her).

I popped over to her house and invited myself in for a coffee. It took me a while to get around to it (I am such a wimp) but I told her that I had been thinking about what she had told me about leaving her DS at home whilst she runs each day and I am really uncomfortable with it. She of course asked why and I ran through some of the possible scenarios (fire, choking, upset DS etc) and to give her some credit she did appear to look pretty horrified and as though she hadn't thought her actions through (not sure how though as these were the first things that came to my mind when she said she was leaving him alone!).

She did however make a stupid comment about the fact that it was very unlikely that these things would happen and her son was at more risk in the car when they drive around then he is at home alone (grr, maybe she doesn't get it..), I pointed out that in the car she would take sensible precautions such as strapping him into a seat and driving with care, and that she is not taking similar precautions everyday when she leaves him home alone.

Anyway, I again offered to pop over when she wants to run (I am currently on maternity leave and can fit in 30 mins a day to watch him), she said she will take me up on the offer twice a week and the other few days she will wait until her husband gets home from work before she heads out.

All in all I think she gets that what she has been doing is not acceptable but I wimped out of mentioning that I would contact the police/SS if she does it again. My main worries are that she will start doing this again when she moves house and doesn't have me popping in to watch her DS.

It is worth noting that other than this she always appears to be a good parent, I pop over to her house unannounced quite often and I haven't ever had any reason to worry about her DS's (the older one is school age) before this.

OP posts:

SucksToBeMe · 01/06/2012 11:42

Well done Gatorade.

wfrances · 01/06/2012 11:44

gatorade - some people truly just dont see it.
i found out one of the mums i knew used to do it - i was really shocked,
but instead of having a word neighbour just called the police!

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2012 11:48

So does she leave the school aged child too?
And 2yo can climb out of cots, surely?

Original poster

Gatorade · 01/06/2012 11:53

The school aged DS is at school when she runs. I would have thought the younger DS would be able to climb out of his cot, she seems to bank on the fact that he sleeps from 12 to 2 everyday and apparently never wakes up.

OP posts:

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 01/06/2012 11:56

Oh my god, I assumed she was single and struggled to get out for half an hour, but why didn't she wait until her husband got home? Makes me feel worse about her!

Badvoc · 01/06/2012 11:58

Call SS

OhNoMyFanjo · 01/06/2012 11:58

Well done, did you manage to get in about what if something happened to her and no-one knew he was at home on his own?

Original poster

Gatorade · 01/06/2012 12:01

OhNoMyFanjo grrr, forgot about that one (i did include it in my little practice speech with my DH early this morning before I went over....yes, I really am a wimp about these things!)

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 01/06/2012 12:11

Stupid woman "he sleeps from 12 to 2 everyday and apparently never wakes up."

Does she think he will still be doing this when he is 12? When he is 7? When he is 5? When he is 4? Presumably not. So she must get that at some point he will stop doing this. What if it is next week?

I see you have had another word with her, but my advice would have been to tell the Health Visitor, who, if she was canny, could arrange a "drop in visit" just when the neighbour is coming back from her run.

"Oh I was just coming to do DS's 2 year assessment but he obviously isn't here."
"Yes he is, he is having his nap."

" " etc.

annalovesmrbates · 01/06/2012 13:20

Hmm, a neighbour left her baby. The police were called as he was crying. She was arrested and charged with neglect. She now has a criminal conviction and SS are involved. The police take a dim view of small children being left around here.

annalovesmrbates · 01/06/2012 13:20

Original poster

Gatorade · 01/06/2012 16:35

I mentioned it to the health visitor this afternoon, she was very good about it. I think if they were still going to be neighbours I maybe wouldn't have as I can help out every now and then and keep an eye on things but as they are moving I feel a certain duty to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

I explained that I was worried that I would be 'outed' (although they will only be neighbours for another 6 weeks or so they are only moving to the next village which isn't far away) and she said she would have a think about it and let me know before they take action (although of course she won't be able to tell me what happens etc). She was very concerned about it (as I expected her to be) but said they can normally come up with a discreet way to deal with these things.

I really hope I have done the right thing.

OP posts:

wfrances · 01/06/2012 17:47

if anything happened to that child -you couldnt live with your self
you have done a difficult thing but it is right.

JosieZ · 01/06/2012 18:35

I think I would give the mother the benefit of the doubt and assume that if DS was not sleeping for 2 hours or he was trying to get out of the cot or he was crying when she returned she would stop doing it.

MadBanners · 01/06/2012 18:37

See, I have a shop that is literally four doors away from my front door. My children are nearly 3 and 4, and every time I need bread or milk, I look at them and wonder if I dare just shut them in the living room, lock the door and pop to the shop four doors away, and every time I get them both into shoes and coats, drag them to the shop for a single loaf of bread or bottle of milk, and come back home. What would take me less then 5 minutes on my own, takes me about 20-30 minutes when I have to factor in dealing with two children who just do not want to do as I ask!

however, I just know the day I actually do it, is the day I get hit by a car, the shop gets held up and I get shot, or the house inexplicably blows up! not that I am paranoid you understand!

Original poster

Gatorade · 01/06/2012 18:38

But what is there was a fire or he fell and hurt himself josie?
It could be all too late by the time she got home

OP posts:

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