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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge parents who really swear at their DC's?

52 replies

grumblinalong · 31/05/2012 13:07

I was in the supermarket yesterday lunchtime and a man was in there with his 2/3 year old DS. The little boy was kicking off and laying in the aisle screaming. The dad said in a low, menacing voice 'Get off the f-ing floor you f-ing c'.

I was Shock and looked at him sharply. I said to the little boy 'I don't want to run you over with my trolley so do you want to get up off the floor please' very smiley smiley because I thought a bit of kindness might help. The little boy was shocked a stranger had spoken to him, got up and the dad said 'Thanks' and smiled at me and walked off.

I went back to work and relayed the story to my colleagues, we work in children's services and the majority of us have dc's of our own. I'd say half thought it was horrible parenting and half thought the dad was probably just having a bad day and we shouldn't judge. I have to say I judged him, not only on the words but his tone - I have plenty of bad days with my dc's and my mothering is far from perfect but I'm pretty certain I have never said those particular swear words directly to my dc's, maybe under my breath have said ffs Blush in frustration. AIBU and stuffy to judge? Is it an indication of bad parenting or just a bad day? It's really weighing on my mind.

OP posts:
mumofjust1 · 31/05/2012 14:44

I have a friend who is Irish, and swears like a sailor.

Despite heavy use of every epxpletive known to man (sometimes directed at the dc) I have yet to meet nicer, more polite children and have never, ever heard them utter a swear word.

To her, swearing is normal.

JinnyClaypole · 31/05/2012 14:45

I wouldn't call my children 'little bastards' even in my head. Sad
'Cheeky bugger' yes but I suppose I must have a line I don't go across.

VolkswagenBeetle · 31/05/2012 14:53

That is horrible. Sad

I have been known to shout "oh FFS I give up" on more than one occasion. Blush And I do call them cheeky buggers every now and then, this is always said in a joking manner though. When I'm mad with them they KNOW I'm mad as they are called by their full names middle names included. I would never call them horrible names though.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 14:54

I grew up in a sweary household where swear words were used in everyday conversation, particularly by my brother who has sn. Every single sentence!

Anyway i used to swear quite a bit because it was normal to me but tried really, really hard to stop once i had children. I now don't swear when talking at all really and Im rather proud of myself having changed such an ingrained habit . . . but . . . it still comes out when i am angry and/or very stressed and as a result i have sworn at my children. Way too many times Sad

I hate it and don't want to do it but it just comes out. Its like i go back to my default setting.

So when i see there threads i always wonder if they are about me!

My children are well behaved, loved very much, adored and totally treasured, taught right from wrong, encouraged educationally, taught to be kind and speak nicely and do not swear themselves at all.

I think that is probably because i only ever swear in anger so they know it is naughty.

entropygirl · 31/05/2012 14:57

I judge my DH when he does it....

nb. he only says ffs and jesus christ...but I hate it. If my DD's first words are jesus christ I swear I will divorce him....

winnybella · 31/05/2012 15:06

I've said 'FFS, will you stop it' a few times, I'm afraid, when children drove me mad. Not great, but tbh I don't think of it as abusive. I have never, ever called my children anything, though, that's horrible.

Frontpaw · 31/05/2012 15:09

I have just said a bad word but no children present. Just ripped the handle off the wardrobe. Yes, very very clumsy. oops.

RetroMom · 31/05/2012 15:17

I was sworn at constantly as a child. As an adult I can't swear AT my children. But I do swear when I'm cross. I'll say something like, "what the fuck is this?" But I would never say anything personal at them, like calling them sweary names and sweary insults. I don't want to harm my children. I don't want them believing I think little of them. I don't allow my children to call each other stupid either. We say silly. It's a small thing, yes. But from small acorns and all that?

Big Oaks bend. We're almost a grown family now. My eldest swears like a trooper, I often have to tell him off. The middle son swears when he's mad, and the youngest needs to wash his mouth out with soap! I couldn't believe the things he called his oldest brother the other night.

What happened there?

Well, at least they don't say they don't call each other stupid.

RetroMom · 31/05/2012 15:18

Well, at least they don't call each other stupid. Is what I meant.

Frontpaw · 31/05/2012 15:19

Stupid and Idiot are Very Bad Words around here.

Beamur · 31/05/2012 15:20

I swear, but never ever at the children and yes, I judge people who use foul and abusive language to their kids. Then wonder why the children are themselves foul mouthed and rude back to them...

MissFaversham · 31/05/2012 15:20

OP these people in my opinion are scum.

CremeEggThief · 31/05/2012 15:25

I try to only swear in anger too, as I hated my parents and other kids' parents swearing a lot when I grew up in Ireland.

I'm afraid I sometimes swear at DS in my head though, and once, I swore at him, almost 4 years ago when he was nearly 6.
He wasn't behaving at all well at the dinner table and we had asked him to stop more than once. It all happened very quickly, but he ended up scalding my hands with hot gravy, and I don't really remember this, but apparently I yelled, "You fucking little bastard, I am going to knock you into the middle of next week! "Shock, before I stormed off to run my hands under the cold tap!

I wish I could have handled things better, obviously, but I think what I said was born of extreme pain and anger. If DS had done what he was asked, it would not have happened.

In the OP's situation, it sounds as if the dad doesn't know how to speak to his DS in any other way when he's angry and unfortunately, the little boy is probably used to being spoken to like that. So, I would probably have judged too.

melika · 31/05/2012 15:34

No bad swearing here unless really annoyed, cringe at some parents and think of the saying 'reap what you sow'. My mom would say bugger, sod and no more, I am like that.

What ever you say to your children and the respect you show to them, will come right back at you.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2012 15:53

I judge-you treat others as you want to be treated and that includes DCs. They do as you do and not as you say. Mine tried it once with me-I was able to tell them that I never used language like it and they were not doing it to me-they back tracked pretty quickly.
I do not swear at anyone-and they do not do it to me! I don't put up with it.
It also puts you at a great advantage if you don't stoop to their level.

nannyl · 31/05/2012 15:55

yanbu Shock poor poor child Sad

GetTheeToANunnery · 31/05/2012 16:00

It is sad :( everyone has a little slip of the tongue sometimes, especially if you've just hurt yourself or something but hopefully it's not directed towards DCs.
My sister always swears in front of her kids, calls them a spazz or fucking idiotif she's really angry. Makes me cringe.
I try to hide my swear words by saying p in the a, effing or shiboplle. I know it's still not great to say them but it's still better than the real words IMO

Original poster
grumblinalong · 31/05/2012 16:13

I think my initial reaction was one of feeling sad for the little boy and a bit ? why a parent would speak to their own little child like this BUT I know it is not the worse crime against a child. Most of my colleagues were a bit meh because they see much worse every day.

Now I've stewed on it a bit I've come to the conclusion that if anyone called me an f-ing c*@t, stranger, friend or family I'd be annoyed and upset at the total lack of respect.

OP posts:
JinnyClaypole · 31/05/2012 16:15

GetThee, your sister says those words to her kids?
That is awful.

LauraShigihara · 31/05/2012 16:17

My husband is ver sweary (think Malcolm Tucker Grin ie creative swearing) and I can just imagine him saying something similar to one of our children. But he loves his kids absolute oodles, never smacks, spoils them terribly and would, and has, driven across country in the middle of the night to help one of them.

None of mine were sweary - actually DS2 (aged 8) is always hauling Dad over the coals for swearing. So, you never know what the family dynamics are unless you know the family well.

Mind you, I had my judgey pants hoiked high the other day when one of the school TAs told her own child to 'stop bloody pissing around'. Very unprofessional.

GetTheeToANunnery · 31/05/2012 16:24

Yep, spazz is a normal word to her! Once when my nephew was very young, I think about 4, I had to tell him off for something minor. He turned round and called me a fucking knobhead. Obviously I was Shock at the words but also that he knew what context to use them in. It makes sense really though if he's used to hearing it a lot.
My sister is a great mum in lots of other ways, she just really needs to learn to wash her mouth out.

LeQueen · 31/05/2012 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 31/05/2012 17:03

If you work in Children's services you shouldn't be 'judging' as such.

Perhaps run your thoughts over during a supervision process, if your job entails you coming into contact with families, that is.

Original poster
grumblinalong · 31/05/2012 17:25

Birds, I can judge if its my personal not professional judgement Hmm. That's up to me. I'm not caseworking this child, he's not known to me, there is no reason for me to bring this up in supervision.

Are you saying (and I may have got this wrong) that children's services staff must remain completely non judgemental? Even if it's a safeguarding issue?
During my case recording training last week I was told we absolutely should be using and recording our professional judgement in caseworking/contact with families due to the number of SCR saying the frontline workers did not/would not/didn't feel confident enough trusting their judgement when assessing and working with families.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 17:30

YANBU it's a disgusting way to speak to anyone, let alone a child.

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