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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I can manage 2 year old and a newborn at home with me all the time?

68 replies

MakeTeaNotWar · 31/05/2012 12:04

DD will be 25 months when DC2 arrives. She is currently at nursery 4 days a week while I am at work and this costs £50 a day.

Because of the cost and I'll be on SMP, I assumed I'd withdraw her from nursery while I'm on mat leave to look after both children at home myself with a view to going back to work in a year, both kids in nursery again.

Now I am starting to wonder if I can cope, if it's fair on DD1 as I won't be able to give her all the time and attention that she needs. Do people keep all their pre-school children at home with them whilst on leave and do they cope ok? Or is it money well-spent to keep the older child in nursery for some sessions a week - both for their development and for my sanity? DH works Mon - Sat so I'll only have his help in the evenings and on Sundays.

Or AIBU and naive to think I'll be able to cope just fine?

OP posts:

nonapandknackered · 31/05/2012 13:01

I've kept ds1 in nursery 3 days now I'm on mat leave (there's two years between them). There are lots of reasons why I did this.
DS is a really really active toddler and can challenging, even on his own, so having a place to go where he can play with friends and work off steam is good for all of us.
He'd be going back to nursery eventually anyway and I didn't want to disrupt his routine or risk loosing the very precious place.
I'm quite stressy and really didn't think I'd cope with two at home my own all week.
I also figured that ds1 got me all to himself for a year when I was on mat leave, so it felt fair that ds2 got some time alone with me too.
I still get child care vouchers which help, and we can afford it so I was lucky I didn't need to worry about finances too much. It's definitely been the best decision for us.

Oh and everyone I know who has had their second has done the same, so I don't feel odd or guilty about it .

fedupandtired · 31/05/2012 13:04

Of course you'll manage!

A lot of people (myself included) have no option but to manage!

Fresh01 · 31/05/2012 13:05

I have 4 children, 6, 4, 2 and 6 months, they have always been at home until preschool age. You quickly get into a routine and finding a few groups for the toddler to interact with others is great for getting out of the house.

If you do reduce DD's nursery hours consider a cleaner - having the place properly cleaned once a week saves my sanity.

HaplessHousewife · 31/05/2012 13:11

DD was 22 monhts old when DS was born and was at home until she went to pre-school when DS was about 9 months old. It was fine. They both came along to each other's activities, but DD is well-behaved and understood that it was DSes turn and that she had to sit and watch sometimes.

bigjoeent · 31/05/2012 13:11

I was in the same situation as lavenderlois, the vouchers continued to be paid, which was a godsend plus he was 3 so we had the 15 free hours in term time too. If this isn't possible, consider continuing some time at nursery at least for the first two / three months.

Evilberry · 31/05/2012 13:15

How about switching from a full day at nursery to a couple of sessions at a pre-school during the week? That way your DD will still get some independent fun with friends, but the session costs will be less than nursery costs.

Hownoobrooncoo · 31/05/2012 13:18

Of course you can cope. I had a newborn and a just turned three yr old, no family nearby and husband that often worked away. It was actually much easier than first time round with just the one.

Firawla · 31/05/2012 13:19

Of course you can! you will be fine, and adapt to it.
If I was you I would keep her home, save the money and enjoy the extra time having her home. You will cope better if you have her there with you i think, from what ive noticed people who rely on a lot of help from others struggle more when they have to get on with it by themselves as they are not used to it?

SparkleRainbow · 31/05/2012 13:24

You will be fine, I did this with a 26 month old ds and new born, then later a 36 month old and newborn, save the money from the preschool and enjoy spending time with your dc whilst you can. Good luck

DamnBamboo · 31/05/2012 13:26

You'll be just fine.

I had a 4 year old, 2 year old and a newborn and it was just fine.

Good luck and enjoy being at home with your little snugglings

PenguinArmy · 31/05/2012 13:28

DD was 19 months when ds (now 7 months) cam along. It's one of those things that once you are doing all the time it is ok. I go to a playgroup everyday where DD runs off doing her own thing and people always want to hold a baby. Hard at times, but that's true regardless. Dh struggles when he has the two of them because he is simply just not used to it, that is all.

If you take her out of nursery will there be a place to put her back in though?

Ithinkitsjustme · 31/05/2012 13:48

I had 3 under 3 plus an older child, it can be done and isn't that stressful as long as your 2 year old is a reasonably well behaved child.

MsVestibule · 31/05/2012 14:06

Going to go against the flow, although I wish I didn't have to. DD was 20 months when DS was born. She'd been in nursery for a few months while I went back to work, and when I started maternity leave, dropped her nursery sessions to 3 days per week.

Despite this, I still suffered from stress/depression and was off and on Prozac for the next three years. Serves me right for being so smug about how well I'd coped with DD during the first year.

DD was an exceptionally clingy/whiny toddler and I found going to toddler groups/soft play so difficult. As a result of this, I became very isolated, and although I do enjoy being my myself, going for days where my only adult interaction was with DH and the Asda checkout staff did not he'll my mental health.

What I'm trying to say (in my rather long winded way) is if your DC1 will be happy to play by themselves or watch TV, it'll probably be OK. If they cling on to you and cry every time you try to feed DC2, possibly not so easy.

But no doubt I'll forget all about this and will blithely inform DD and future DIL that having a baby and toddler is a doddle and that the younger generation doesn't cope as well as mine did .

DamnBamboo · 31/05/2012 14:10

But msvest do you think that this may be about you as an individual, rather than because you were at home with two children?

You were depressed and found activities that keep many mothers of young children sane, so understandably it was hard for you.

Even if OPs children don't watch TV or play alone, it doesn't matter. You find ways to adapt.

MerylStrop · 31/05/2012 14:12

You can manage

But it might be nice to see if you can find a little playgroup where you can leave DD a couple of mornings pw for eg.

I second the idea of paying a teenager to help/play with the older one. The 15 year old down the road used to come round for 2 or 3 hours per week and play star wars with DS whilst DD and I snoozed...it was a lifesaver

Groovee · 31/05/2012 14:13

When dd was 2 she went to a local playgroup where I left her and she played all morning and had a snack. She had a ball. When ds arrived it gave me a break while he had his morning sleep.

An0therName · 31/05/2012 14:20

me I would cut the hours once you go on maternity leave - say to 2 days - then see how it goes -also depends a bit on the baby - if you get a non sleeping and/or sceamer - then you might be very glad to have just one child sometimes
looking into play groups also a good idea

MsVestibule · 31/05/2012 14:29

Bamboo, possibly it was down to me as an individual, but all any of us can do is speak of our own experiences. As have the other mums on this thread who did cope.

FWIW, I believe my depression was triggered by stress, not the other way round. Although DD(5) is a delight now, she wasn't in the toddler years, and I think I think I would have struggled, with or without a newborn.

mumeeee · 31/05/2012 14:33

D2 was just over 2 when DD3 was born and she hadn't started nusery then, In fact she didn't go until DD3 was 8 months old and then it was only a couple of mornings a week at first, DD1 was at school in receprion, In the school holidays I had all 3 of them and it was fine. You'll manage.

gnocci · 31/05/2012 14:35

slightly off tpoic - why are pre schools cheaper?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 31/05/2012 14:38

You'll manage. You will both adjust and you may enjoy the extra time you have with them both.

I did it. No childcare for ds1 when ds2 came along 21 months after ds1. I looked after them all week and worked Friday and saturday nights whilst dh took over childcare.

Ds1 went to playgroup at 3 and a half.

It was hard work but ok. Finances were such it wasn't an option to have childcare and I didn't really want it to be honest.

Looking back I can see how hard it was, working the weekends but looking after them both was just what it was. Tough when ds2 was tiny but part and parcel of having 2 close in age.

An0therName · 31/05/2012 15:06

gnocci- pre schools are cheaper as many of them are community run - so say in a church hall - so much cheaper accommadation - and only (normally) for 3 hours a day and don't (mostly) run for profit
Bamboo, MsVestibule,
I think that people vary - ALOT - with what they can cope with - and different thing trigger different responses in different people - thats my experience of depression anyway
also people do manage lots of hard things - doesn't mean its always a good idea

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 31/05/2012 15:10

I had a 22 mo and newborn and no childcare or family nearby.

It was hard work, but fine. I enjoyed having an existing routine of social activities to do with my toddler and the baby just tagged along really. Much better than trying to fill endless days the first time round when I only had a newborn who was too young for a lot of activities.

I, personally, don't like the growing trend there seems to be to get one child out of the way so you can focus on another one. That's not family life to me. I will probably be flamed for saying that but I just find it sad to think of a young child in nursery when there's a parent at home who could be with them.

FoxyRevenger · 31/05/2012 16:07

whenyousee part of me agrees with you. but another part thinks it's also a bit unfair to disrupt the older child's life to a great extent if it's not strictly necessary, financially speaking.

I dunno, I feel very torn about it all.

LimeLeafLizard · 31/05/2012 16:21

Depends completely on you and your children.

Even if you can manage in theory, maybe you'd like a bit of time one to one with the baby for a few hours a week so you can drink coffee and MN whilst it naps. Maybe your DD will enjoy the change of scene, playing with other children and doing things that you may not have time to do cannot be arsed to do at home, like painting and sandpits.

Or maybe you are happy relaxed person who loves spending time with toddlers and babies and you'll relish every moment of being all together.

But my advice would be to do what feels right for you, your children and DP, we are all different.

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