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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you mention it to the other mum?

51 replies

jennieflower · 31/05/2012 00:38

Dd's school organise a hot school dinner party, in which the birthday girl/boy gets to invite 9 friends to celebrate their birthday and enjoy party food etc with the birthday girl/ boy. The party organiser pays for 10 children and is responsible for organising the guest list.

A few weeks ago, dd age 9 showed me the invitation, we were in the playground so I asked her to accept the invitation with the mum, (mum is lovely btw) I saw her tell the mum she would come.

Fast forward to last night, dd told me she was sitting in assembly and a message was passed down the line that she was no longer invited to the dinner party, I dismissed it that the girls were being their usual catty selves and that the party would go ahead as planned.

This morning, I thought I would check in the school office that my daughters lunch was booked and paid for, only to find that her name wasn't on the list for the school dinner party, they checked the list that had been handed in the day before and found that dd's classmate had revised the list the day previously and had taken her name off to replace with another child!

The school receptionist was immediately very embarrassed and said she would try to accommodate my daughter and make an extra space (school parties are strictly limited to ten, my daughter would have made 11, i said not to worry, I didn't have my purse with me, so opened the birthday girl's card and took out the ten pound note I'd put inside to pay for dd's lunch and paid for her lunch from it and put the change in my pocket. Dd wasn't bothered about missing the dinner party but told me later that she'd told the birthday girl that her mummy was really cross and had taken her birthday money. Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 31/05/2012 00:44

That sounds a truely awful idea.

Why the school would want to be implicit in creating division and promoting exclusionary behaviour, I do not know.

At lesat with birthday parties, the uninvited aren't in the same location, looking on.

Sad

Sorry, don;t know if you were right or not.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 31/05/2012 00:44

Truly.

You'd think I'd be able to type that word correctly. Hmm

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 00:44

What? Schools do this? Really?

That's nuts. Why on earth are schools getting involved in kids birthday parties? Confused

That aside, I wouldn't have given her the tenner either.

But I'd have a stern word with DD unless you're happy with what she said.

Sorry, the idea of Schools involving themselves in this sort of thing has really thrown me Grin

Original poster
jennieflower · 31/05/2012 00:56

It's quite nice actually, they have a set aside table for the birthday celebrations and when the cake is brought out, the whole dinner hall gets involved in singing "happy birthday",

My dd had a school dinner today instead of the packed lunch that she usually gets, I guess that was a big adventure to her but should I speak to the mum? After all, of I hadn't checked then she wouldn't have had a lunch planned at all, at 9 years old she wouldn't have starved but she was put in an uncomfortable position, and was left feeling outcast by her peers

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WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 01:01

It sounds awful and elitist to me but we're all different.

In my DS's Primary school, all the kids with a birthday that week, get to go to the Head's office on a Friday and have birthday cake and squash Grin

Well firstly I'd find out exactly what the note said and who wrote it.

I'm not sure if I'd speak to the Mum or not because it might come across as 'sour grapes' even though you have every right to be annoyed.

I suppose in hindsight, it would have been better if you had accepted on your DD's behalf, given that it means the difference between her eating lunch or not.

Original poster
jennieflower · 31/05/2012 01:15

Worra, the note was written by the child celebrating, my disagreement was that the person celebrating the birthday shouldn't be allowed to knock children off wily nily, I'm a bit pissed off, and was wondering whether I should vent to the parent? Im very Happy that we spotted the problem quickly and resolved it but I still feel that I should mention it to the parents involved so it doesn't happen again

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 01:17

I understand what you're saying but I still don't know if I would vent to the Mum.

I tell you what though, I would certainly vent to the school because surely to God it should be down to the adult (Birthday child's parent) to cancel/book the kid's meals?

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2012 01:21

I think it's a foul idea as well. How awful to think you are friends with that birthday child and then discover that you aren't included in the élite list.

I wouldn't bother speaking to the mum. And leave your DD to sort out whether or not she still wants to be friends with the girl.

IMO, once birthday invitations have been sent out, that should be it, irrevocable - no one should be "uninvited", no doubt on spurious reasons, and the girl's mother should not have condoned that action. (That said, if an invitee had seriously hurt the birthday child, I'd probably reconsider that opinion - but if nothing had actually happened, then it stands)

Original poster
jennieflower · 31/05/2012 01:24

Yes, worra, that's my argument, I wouldn't give the other mum a hard time as we've all got enough on our plates but she should still know what's happened so she can have a word and make sure it doesn't happen again

OP posts:
Cabbageflowers · 31/05/2012 01:32

I think you'd be right to speak to the other mum. I'm sure she'd be mortified to learn of her daughter's behaviour. The school sound most at fault perhaps, for allowing a child to uninvite somebody and not letting you know.

Original poster
jennieflower · 31/05/2012 01:34

Thumbwitch, there's been no arguments between them, if anything I've asked dd to be especially kind. Especially as I know the other girl has a particularly difficult home life. They generally run along really well

OP posts:
Original poster
jennieflower · 31/05/2012 01:38

Thanks cabbageflowers, I think you're right, I'm pretty sure I know my own feelings on the subject, just want someone else to reinforce it

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 31/05/2012 03:00

God how awful, usually if you're not invited to a birthday party at least you don't have to actually sit and watch it!!!

I would mention it to the other mum, I would be furious if my DD did that to someone and would certainly want to know. I also agree that the school should not collude by allowing changes - they deal with kids every day ffs so should know what they can be like. The list, once submitted, should be final.

LittlebearH · 31/05/2012 03:05

I have a 2 yr old DD and the whole party thing ialready scares the crap out of me! Sounds complicated. Why does the school even get involved in the kids parties. Asking for trouble IMO.

LittlebearH · 31/05/2012 03:06

I meant to add - FWIW I would mention it to the mum.

savoycabbage · 31/05/2012 03:11

It is a ridiculous custom. It's socially awkward. I would speak to the school and try to get the school to ensure that it doesn't happen again. They need to write it into their policy somehow.

maras2 · 31/05/2012 06:58

Good Lord.I've never heard such nonsense.Are you in the UK? because it sounds like something from America.Poor child being dumped at the last minute.

fuckarama · 31/05/2012 07:00

I think the school are in the wrong. They shouldn't be doing this. It's exclusionary and just horrible.

Parties take place outside school imho.

BlackAffronted · 31/05/2012 07:04

I know of UK schools that do this (luckily not ours though!).

fuckarama · 31/05/2012 07:06

I think it's a horrendous idea for the school to do - how to make some of the class feel like shit in one easy lesson

RealityIsNOTWarren · 31/05/2012 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 31/05/2012 07:09

Sounds like an awful idea , must be horrible if you are a child that never gets invited

And yes I would have a word with the mum

Jinsei · 31/05/2012 07:09

I agree, am Shock that the school are getting involved in this kind of thing! Don't vent to the mum, but do talk to the school about how they're going to stop this from happening again!

gettingalifenow · 31/05/2012 07:10

What a truly awful way to embarrass and exclude children in public - I can't imagine what the school is thing of.

Clearly must be a small school, otherwise they'd have a party a day... So many opportunities to be excluded....

olibeansmummy · 31/05/2012 07:12

What a horrible horrible idea! What happens to the kids whose parents can't afford to fork out £20? :( it's even more obvious then that the child is 'poorer' than everyone else :(

And the rest of the school 'get' to sing happy birthday then not get any cake?

I'd be complaining to the school for allowing the child to change the list, upsetting your child and potentially leaving her with no dinner, and for encouraging discrimination.

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