Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you mention it to the other mum?

51 replies

jennieflower · 31/05/2012 00:38

Dd's school organise a hot school dinner party, in which the birthday girl/boy gets to invite 9 friends to celebrate their birthday and enjoy party food etc with the birthday girl/ boy. The party organiser pays for 10 children and is responsible for organising the guest list.

A few weeks ago, dd age 9 showed me the invitation, we were in the playground so I asked her to accept the invitation with the mum, (mum is lovely btw) I saw her tell the mum she would come.

Fast forward to last night, dd told me she was sitting in assembly and a message was passed down the line that she was no longer invited to the dinner party, I dismissed it that the girls were being their usual catty selves and that the party would go ahead as planned.

This morning, I thought I would check in the school office that my daughters lunch was booked and paid for, only to find that her name wasn't on the list for the school dinner party, they checked the list that had been handed in the day before and found that dd's classmate had revised the list the day previously and had taken her name off to replace with another child!

The school receptionist was immediately very embarrassed and said she would try to accommodate my daughter and make an extra space (school parties are strictly limited to ten, my daughter would have made 11, i said not to worry, I didn't have my purse with me, so opened the birthday girl's card and took out the ten pound note I'd put inside to pay for dd's lunch and paid for her lunch from it and put the change in my pocket. Dd wasn't bothered about missing the dinner party but told me later that she'd told the birthday girl that her mummy was really cross and had taken her birthday money. Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
avivabeaver · 31/05/2012 07:17

i would write to the school and say that potentially your child would have been left without dinner and it seems inappropriate for the child to be able to make these changes. In future, only parent can make changes to the list.

and then leave it.

IDontDoIroning · 31/05/2012 07:21

I can remember something similar a while ago- and thinking it was a horrible divisive thing for schools to actively support.

No school with a decent anti bullying policy would allow this to take place, in fact many schools refuse to get involved in handing party invites out etc unless every child is invited.
Thing is the school should have confirmed and stuck to the arrangents - your dd could have been left with no lunch at all if you hadn't checked.
I don't know about saying anything to the mother it could go either way- she will either be mortified or be annoyed and defend her little angels right to chose her friend.
I would raise it with the school instead - ask who changed the arrangements- was it the child ? If so mum probably doesn't know but what school would change the details on the whim of a child without checking with the paying customer the mum.

Obviously if mum changed arrangements with the school without telling you that's another issue as it means she was fully aware of changes and didn't think to let you know of care about your child's feelings.

mumnotmachine · 31/05/2012 07:26

Its an awful thing to do- one, why are the school involved in kids parties- if they doing a "public" celebration ALL kids in the school should be involved- if the parents want a private party they should do it off school premises.
How to make the kids who arent so popular make them feel even more shit about themselves.
My son has very few people who I would term real friends, and he would feel really left out consdtantly as he wouldnt make the "cut" so to speak.

He already gets upset about not being invited to parties, but at least he cant "see" them happening.
He has very little confidence as it is, and think things like this would make him worse.

Back to subject in hand, I think you did the right thing, but I wouldnt say anything to the mother, if she asks yiou- tell her straight

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 31/05/2012 07:26

I an so so glad we don't have this crap going on at our school. What an awful way to celebrate birthdays in school.

The kids class sing happy birthday at registration and they get a sticker. They might also get to be first in line to walk to dinner, not sure on that one.

Bumdrop · 31/05/2012 07:32

I would vent at the school,
Not the mum,
Its not the mums fault, her dd changed the list,
Its the schools fault, for
A) havving such a horrid system of dividing kids
B) not having system in place to ensure parents are informed when a change to the list is made
C) not ensuring that when childs name is removed, alternative lunch arrangements are in place
D) putting children who are not well off at a disadvantage. Do their parents pay for this party at school ? Or do they miss out, and look on at the more advantaged kids ? :(

CheerfulYank · 31/05/2012 07:36

That's awful!

Surely there are some children who are never chosen. :(

Bumdrop · 31/05/2012 07:40

Good point yank,

I bet that party table scenario at school comes up in therapy sessions in years to come ........ :(

greenbananas · 31/05/2012 07:42

I wouldn't bother mentioning this to the other mum (unless you know her very well) - it's done now and and can't be mended. However, I would definitely speak to the school about how this happened, and how it can be avoided in future.

Are you in the UK? As others have said, any school with a decent inclusion policy would not allow this kind of party to take place in school.

storminabuttercup · 31/05/2012 07:42

What a ridiculous thing for the school to do!!!

They shouldn't be getting involved with birthday party politics at all IMO

Hope your DD enjoyed her school lunch as a change.

I think any venting needs to be at the school. Kids change their 'friends' lists more than some change their knickers, they should be prepared for that.

PuppyMonkey · 31/05/2012 07:58

"nice idea" HmmConfused

Unless you're the one who never, ever gets invited onto the party table. Sad

McPie · 31/05/2012 08:08

I would complain to the school, invitees should be fixed on day of picking and only changed if one is ill on the day. It sounds a horrible idea as it encourages kids to exclude others. At least your dd will have learned by example and I would hope she would never make someone feel the way she did.

CoffeeDog · 31/05/2012 08:33

My DD who is 6 'invited' serveral other children to her birthday party (there was 30 invited from school already + cousins / friends of family.

2 mums approched me - as they hadn't had an invitation (we gave them one)

8 'extra's' turned up - usually with 'invited' children

We we lucky enough to have just hired a hall so numbers were not that important - had to send grandad out for more party bags through ;)

children do things without thinking - I expect the other child had already gone through the numbers with her mum then just did a hand written letter in class / at break time as she didn't understand that there was no more room.

My DD only goes to a party if there was a invitation with the mums telephone number on ;)

footphobic · 31/05/2012 10:50

I agree the main issue is with the school, unless a replacement because of illness, they should not allow the list to be changed in this way and should be alert to someone being 'dropped' off the list in favour of someone else. I also think birthday parties should be out of school!!

Having said that, I would still have a non-confrontational word with the mum, yes it is done now, but it is not a pleasant thing to do, some children may do this sort of thing without thinking, but at 9yo imo they should know it's unkind and can hurt feelings, not to mention leaving someone without a lunch, the mum was told directly that your dd was coming so I would talk to her, she should not be oblivious to what went on....if she's unaware of your dd being uninvited, she can't speak to her dd and teach her differently.

fedupofnamechanging · 31/05/2012 11:01

I'm another one who thinks this is a really awful idea. So much potential to hurt other children's feeling.

I would mention it to the mum, because she shouldn't be allowing changes once the invitations have been handed out - your dd talked to her, accepting her invitation, so the other mum can't plead total ignorance.

I would also double check everything with the school in future, so you can avoid any nasty surprises.

Ithinkitsjustme · 31/05/2012 11:13

I'd certainly mention it ot the school, on the grounds that your daughter may have been left without lunch. At the very least they should check that parents of any "uninvited" kids are told of it, and the reason should be explained. If it was the child who changed the arrangement - rather than the mother, then it seems a bit pointless speaking to her.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 31/05/2012 11:34

I'm so happy ds2 school does not do this, this would be something I could see myself going crazy over.

Our school doesn't even allow party invitations to be given out in class or put in drawers, it has to be done in the playground after school.

Personally I don't see what would be achieved by speaking to the other parent, ok she probably shouldn't have let her change the list but I won speak to the school about this policy of univiting tbh.

parachutesarefab · 31/05/2012 11:35

I'd also speak to the Mum. In a "your daughter probably told you what happened, and girls, what are they like?, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm planning to complain about how the school handled it. By letting the girls change the plan, and not consulting the adults, my DD nearly had no lunch."

I'm slightly uneasy about the "really cross and had taken her birthday money". I'm a bit of a pacifist / wimp, so, I'd probably also explain to the mum that I'd used the birthday money to pay for DD's lunch, but had got a 'little something' instead for the birthday girl. (Couple of books from the book people, for £1 each?) You're completely justified not giving anything, but I like the idea of rising above it, still being generous (and I bet the birthday child gets a right talking to from her mum). (Also shows that you're mainly cross with the school, and gives you a great reason to mention the incident.)

Then I'd complain to the school.

BTW, what happens when children's birthdays are at a weekend or during a holiday? Nice to make a fuss of a child on their brithday, but no need to include (and therefore exclude) others.

Journey · 31/05/2012 12:41

Informally uninviting your DD was mean. I think it would be odd not to say something to your DD's friend's mum and the school. If you don't say anything it can be perceived that it was okay for your DD to be mucked about like this.

Sandalwood · 31/05/2012 12:56

There wasn't any sort of instruction for how to RSVP on the invitation?

I'm just wondering if you were expected to text an acceptance or something - and your DD just verbally telling the mum in the playground just went in one ear and out the other and got forgotten.
Just thought.

lagoonhaze · 31/05/2012 13:05

What a horrid idea.

Evilberry · 31/05/2012 13:07

I would speak to the school about their lack of a decent backup system. They should let the adults know if there has been any change to an original list, otherwise others could go without lunch.

Maybe mention to the mum that you had to use the birthday mine to ensure that your DD had a lunch that day, but here is a little present instead.

I really hope that this isn't common when DS goes to school, it sounds really horrid.

Catsdontcare · 31/05/2012 13:17

I wouldn't be rewarding the birthday girls unkind behaviour witha token gift. The whole thing is a terrible idea can't believe schools do this!

fedupofnamechanging · 31/05/2012 14:47

I wouldn't be giving a gift either. I only buy presents for kids at school, when my dd attends their parties.

entropygirl · 31/05/2012 14:54

urgh urgh YUCK

knowotumean · 31/05/2012 15:23

think parachutesarefab is spot on with her advice.
stunned by a school facilitating such a dreadful ritual. its wrong on so many levels.
when I was at school the children in assembly sang to the birthday children who blew out candles on a tin birthday cake, this was the highlight of school life and excluded nobody.