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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset with my mum?

44 replies

Faded · 29/05/2012 19:54

Just to be clear, I'm an adult and no longer living in the family home.

My parents recently split up (divorcing) under very unpleasant circumstances and my mum is understandably furious with my dad.

However, my mum has just proudly told me that she has cut my father out of every single family photo (right back to their dating/wedding days) and burned the pieces, as well as any pictures of just him.

I know they were technically her possessions, but I had planned at some point on getting some copies for myself so that I had a visual record of my own childhood and our family life (and had mentioned this to her previously, albeit with no definite plans).

I feel so shocked and sad. Its all gone. The pictures of me riding on his back, him holding me as a newborn, him teaching me to ride my bike. I actually feel furious with my mum, but have not let her know this yet as she already has enough to deal with.

I'm really, really upset. Sad

OP posts:
Rollersara · 29/05/2012 19:56

:( Would your father have copies of them?

WorraLiberty · 29/05/2012 19:57

Oh no, poor you...that's awful Sad

confusedpixie · 29/05/2012 19:57

:( Is there a slim chance that some of it got backed up digitally? Or hard copies? Or even the the proofs (if that is what the black strips were called, I can't remember, sorry!)

:(

Original poster
Faded · 29/05/2012 19:59

No, nobody does, no extended family either as there are not many of them and they don't live close.

I'm alternating between Sad and Angry , and then wondering if I really have any right to be, but it just seemed so... thoughtless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faded · 29/05/2012 20:01

And no confusedpixie, believe me I've racked my brains trying to think of any way to salvage any of them.

My mum is very organised and had all the photos neatly slotted into large photo albums arranged by date, none left lying around anywhere where they may have been missed.

She even took family portraits (of all of us) from the walls and cut his silhoutte neatly out, leaving the rest of the picture.

OP posts:
mama01 · 29/05/2012 20:02

So sorry for you to be going through this. Your mum understandably upset but her actions are having a real impact on you.

Hard to take on board but they are only photos, you still have the memories of them and you still have your dad. Let your mum know how this has affected you but try not to let this stop you helping your mum come to terms with things.

PommePoire · 29/05/2012 20:03

You poor thing, you are very much entitled to feel sad and it's not surprising you feel conflicting emotion towards both your parents right now. At some point, when time has passed, your mum will probably realise that this thing that she's done in terrible anger has unlooked for consequences for you and she will be remorseful. might there be surviving negatives? Other relatives that might have photos of you as a child with your dad - grandparents, aunts for example?

CinnyCall · 29/05/2012 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppadumPreach · 29/05/2012 20:05

can i play Devil's advocate and say that while i totally understand why you're furious, your mum is probably not in a particularly rational place at the moment and cutting the photos was probably therapeutic for her at the time. I'm sure she will live to regret it at some point in the future.

If it has been a real shock for her (and you do say it was unpleasant) then go easy on her at the moment. definitely tell her when she is stronger that you were (are still) upset that she did it, but i suspect now she just needs your love and understanding.

I'm so sorry, however, as I can see how upsetting it would be.

PommePoire · 29/05/2012 20:05

Oh God, sorry, DD2 got out of bed and when I came back I didn't refresh the page and see now that my suggestions are really unhelpfull. I'm so sorry, Faded

CinnyCall · 29/05/2012 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Faded · 29/05/2012 20:06

Thanks so much for the supportive comments.

I think the trouble is that I know very well all the trauma she herself is going through right now, which is why I can't raise the issue with her right now, and won't until some time has passed (she can't take it back now anyway).

I'm just so gutted. Sad

OP posts:
CinnyCall · 29/05/2012 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SofaKing · 29/05/2012 20:07

I'm so sorry Sad.
My mum did this when she got divorced, I was only 8 and remember being so upset that she had destroyed their wedding album as I loved looking at the pics of people I loved when they were young.

I've lost my dad now and it hurts more than ever that I have so few pics of him. Would it be possible to get your dad round and take loads of pics of him with you and your DC, if you have any, so that you can have lots of new lovely memories of him? Not the same but it may help you start to heal. I would wait till your mum has calmed down and explain to her how upset you are, if you never mention it at all it will fester.

Again, I am so sorry.

confusedpixie · 29/05/2012 20:07

Oh :(

boredandrestless · 29/05/2012 20:07

Aw Sad YANBU!

Negatives might be a possibility?

Your mum has been selfish doing this. I have split from DS's dad but would never dream of destroying photos of him, as you say they are childhood memories.

DontmindifIdo · 29/05/2012 20:11

What about other family who'll have photos of you? Aunts, Grandparents etc? (best to get in touch with them now before you mum does) Different photos.

I'd also call her as calmly as I could and say you'd like any negatives as you would like some photos of you with your father as a child, and while he's not going to be her husband, she must understand he's still your dad.

Re the family portraits, were they professional? You should be able to get copies.

Original poster
Faded · 29/05/2012 20:14

Yes the portraits are still on the wall, she's even gone to the trouble of colouring in paper with coloured pencils to try and match the portrait background, and then slotting that in behind the cut-out silhouette... as if it will suddenly be invisible.

It does sound a bit unhinged, but she is slightly perfectionist like that, and she is going through some real upheaval at the moment. Its as if she's trying to actually erase him from ever existing.

I can understand the 'why' I really can, and she probably will cut all ties with him. But he's my father, I'll always be bound to him, and I feel like she's erased the person who was literally half of my childhood.

God I wish she'd told me first. I'd have got copies and then let her purge to her heart's content.

OP posts:
PommePoire · 29/05/2012 20:15

I think thoughtless is the word. She was/is clearly very upset, very angry and she directed these emotions at the photographs with no thought for the consequences. I honestly think that in time, she will realise what she's done in terms of the impact on her daughter and feel bad. Which is no real help of course.

You, on the other hand, faded are being both selfless and thoughtful to hold back from telling you mum how sad and cross you are at what she's done and instead do your vent on MN. Take some small solace in the knowledge that you are being a loving daughter, maybe?

poppycat04 · 29/05/2012 20:15

Hi Faded, YADNBU
You must feel Totally gutted. Well done for not taking it out on your mum though.
No idea if the following will help, (am typing on phone ) but my parents divorced when I was 18 and the way it was done has meant that I have no possessions at all from the first 18 yrs of my life, so I kind of understand a bit of what you might be feeling. What helped me was to realise that no matter what you still have your memories. In the end I bought a beautiful large notebook and wrote a description of the photos that had meant a lot to me, colours, what I was feeling, how we all looked... Sounds a bit funny but the memories are safe and solid now and I still have them.
Am sending you a hug.

MephistophelesSister · 29/05/2012 20:17

My step mother did something similar. My dad kept all the photos when my parents split (I was 18 and had left home too). My lovely stepmother removed all pictures of my mum and binned them, sanitising the family albums and re-writing the family history with my mum airbrushed out.

She didn't do herself any favours, and neither I nor my three other siblings have much to do with her - no matter how hard she tries to replace my mum, horrible selfish acts like this hurt and are not easily forgotten.

I do sympathise with your mum, but I can see why you are hurting and I think she has been thoughtless. I think that is all it is, though. When you do finally speak to her honestly about this I think she will feel very bad about the pain she has caused. So sorry you have to deal with it all.

thatisall · 29/05/2012 20:18

YADNBU Poor you. This is very cruel and thoughtless. I really feel gutted for you x

GnocchiNineDoors · 29/05/2012 20:20

So sad that she obviously was so mad that she couldn't see clearly enough to give all the photos to you or put them into storage until a later, more rational date

Sad
Original poster
Faded · 29/05/2012 20:23

Thanks so much all, its really helping to just have a good cry here and let it out somewhere, and you've all been very kind.

I very much like the idea of writing text descriptions of the photos so as not to forget, and think I will do that.

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 29/05/2012 20:24

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