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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset with my mum?

44 replies

Faded · 29/05/2012 19:54

Just to be clear, I'm an adult and no longer living in the family home.

My parents recently split up (divorcing) under very unpleasant circumstances and my mum is understandably furious with my dad.

However, my mum has just proudly told me that she has cut my father out of every single family photo (right back to their dating/wedding days) and burned the pieces, as well as any pictures of just him.

I know they were technically her possessions, but I had planned at some point on getting some copies for myself so that I had a visual record of my own childhood and our family life (and had mentioned this to her previously, albeit with no definite plans).

I feel so shocked and sad. Its all gone. The pictures of me riding on his back, him holding me as a newborn, him teaching me to ride my bike. I actually feel furious with my mum, but have not let her know this yet as she already has enough to deal with.

I'm really, really upset.

OP posts:

Flicktheswitch · 29/05/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatisall · 29/05/2012 20:31

Flick it IS cruel to cut the op's father out of family pictures. I have pictures with me, dd and my ex. I hate him...but they aren't just my memories to cut him out of.

I never suggested she did it to get at the OP and yes she will regret it, but it is cruel and unthoughtful, not just to the OP but to her father. A relationship may break down, but however angry you have to step back and see that it isn't just about the couple.

Original poster

Faded · 29/05/2012 20:31

Flicktheswitch Thats why I've not confronted her or made her feel bad about it. I know her life is in bits at the moment. Its been a pretty nasty ride for me too (the two people I love dearly now hate each other, and we'll never be the 'family' we were again).

But it hurts, it just does.

OP posts:

thatisall · 29/05/2012 20:33

Flick , the last post by Faded is exactly what Im referring to, there won't be any other photos like that. Yes they are just photos, but when we are given the question 'what would you save from a burning fire?' after people and pets the answer is always photos, such is our emotional attachment to them.

The OP can support her mother and still be upset that she has done this

HappyJustToBe · 29/05/2012 20:37

YANBU to be upset.

When my parents divorced it felt like my Mum was trying to cast my entire childhood in a negative light and it felt like my happy memories were false. Not a nice feeling at all.

Maybe try to take comfort in that she didn't do it to upset you and whilst it was a selfish thing to do in the long run it was not a purposefully nasty thing.

parachutesarefab · 29/05/2012 20:40

My mum recently made albums for me and my siblings, with childhood photos in. Lovely I thought. Then I discovered that she has thrown away all the other photos. All of them. She just didn't see the point in keeping them.

I'm still angry that she did it - I feel sort of bereft, and that she's taken memories from me, and got rid of family history, so that I won't be able to show them to my DCs. (I have particularly fond memories of some that used to be at my grandparents' house.)

Then I started to think about what it must feel like to be a looked-after child, with possibly no links to your birth family, or to a number of the foster families you've lived with. They may have no photos from when they were young, and no-one to share the memories with. (This is obviously not all cases.) I'm still upset (almost crying typing this); but there are worse things that could have happened, and shouting and screaming about it isn't going to bring the photos back.

I do mean to get in touch with other relatives (there are about 3; we're a small family!), to see what they have - and old schoolfriends, to see if they have photos of birthday parties etc. (thank you facebook). This may be the prompt I need, thank you. Another reason to do it is that I haven't said anything to my siblings - I didn't see the point of upsetting them, but but not saying, I'm denying them the chance to do anything about it.

I'm not sure that this is any help (probably theraputic for me though). YAdefinitelyNBU

Go easy on your mum, but make it clear that if she happens across any other photos with your dad in them, you'd really like them. And ask about negatives (my mum had got rid of those, too). Ask relatives, too - you never know what someone might have been sent, or inherited from an elderly relative. Or any friends your parents went on holiday with / other people's wedding photos?? Good luck.

IvanaNap · 29/05/2012 20:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

thatisall · 29/05/2012 20:49

Thats a good point, if she's cut the photos up, she might still have the negatives??

holmesgirl · 29/05/2012 20:51

OP I'm sorry that's happened to you.

I would be furious with my mum too, and gutted. Good on you for going easy on your mum though, and some good ideas on the thread.

Could the photos still be in the bin?

holmesgirl · 29/05/2012 20:53

Oh I re-read and saw that she burned them :-(

CecilyP · 29/05/2012 20:56

You have an absolute right to feel angry and sad. He may be your mum's ex-husband but he will always be your dad. Your mum might be angry but she was very selfish and thoughtless to do this.

mantlepiece · 29/05/2012 21:09

I agree your mother has been very thoughtless, and also you are a better person than me for being able to stay calm with her on this.

Thing is the person she is trying to punish is unaffected probably, she will be devastated when she realises how it has affected you, her daughter.

A lesson here, doesn't help you, but maybe a lesson for others who are going through bitter divorces... be careful with your actions, they might hurt those who are dearest to you.

AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards · 29/05/2012 21:09

YANBU. So sorry for you - it's hard when your parents split up when you're an adult. Some how you get embroiled in all the nastiness and because you're an adult everyone expects you to handle it. No one attempts to protect your feelings.

FWIW - my Ex-P treated me appallingly but I've saved all photos of him and put them in a box for my DS - even though he's done nothing for DS or even seen DS in 7 years. You have to put your feelings aside for your DCs. As far as I was concerned they are not my pictures to destroy. If DS wants to put them in bin that's up to him.

CecilyP · 29/05/2012 21:14

Just to add that I can really sympathise with you because I lost all my childhood photographs in a flood. I was, however, able to get a small number of photos from an aunt and a cousin. And also, when my cousin's mum died over 20 years later, I got a few more that I never even knew existed. So it may be well worth asking around extended family, even if there aren't many of them and they live far away.

maddening · 29/05/2012 21:33

if she is very organised might negatives have been kept? I've only recently chucked a load of negatives away - they might be in a box somewhere?

2rebecca · 29/05/2012 23:03

I think that's really sad and selfish and would be angry with her. She could have just given them all to you if she didn't want to look at them.
Fine if you have no kids but family photos are family photos. They aren't just about her. She has destroyed the photos so they'll never be looked at again.
The fact that she is proud of this and hasn't thought about anyone else makes it worse. I'd be inclined to feel more sympathetic to your dad for not wanting to live with a woman like that.

ChasedByBees · 29/05/2012 23:35

Oh OP, you poor thing. :( that does seem so cruel and thoughtless. I would have to say something as if there is any chance that any have been missed or there's negatives somewhere, you want to salvage these score they're destroyed too (I know you said its unlikely but there might be) perhaps your mum could help you look.

I'd have to say something as well because that kind of anger and sadness would taint things with her until I'd discussed it. For me anyway. You're a better person than I am if you can get past it without saying something.

maples · 29/05/2012 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 29/05/2012 23:52

Yanbu... :(

Not the same thing at all, but I lost ALL my family photos in a house flood a few years ago, and the feeling is so gutting. Irreplacable, and it still makes me so sad that I dont have them anymore as I have lost both my parents and all my grandparents, those photos were the only ones I had, so I do understand.

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