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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not put my DS in a suit as the bride requested?

35 replies

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 14:32

Brother and SIL due to marry in two weeks.

It's quite a small informal wedding. I am bridesmaid along with SIL sister. Then my DD and my niece are wearing matching dresses as informal flower girls.

My son and my nephew are almost the same age and although they aren't formal page boys or anything they were going to match too. SIL bought them matching waist coats and cravets and I thought we would look together for the rest but she has ordered a suit jacket and trousers in black. I don't think I can afford it. I've looked on eBay but couldn't see anything and looking online has shown that I just don't think I have the money to do this.

I thought we would maybe get then matching trousers or something and have budgeted low for them. But the whole suit is going to push me to the edge considering the dress she picked was way over my budget despite my brother offering half. It's what I was hoping to spend on the whole outfit. I still have to buy shoes and sharing underwear as I'm fat curvy and the cut of the dress isn't something I am comfortable in (it is lovely though) plus it needs taking up by about 6 inches which I'll have to do myself because I can't afford it. And make up. And don't even get me started on hair stuff for me and DD!

So, AIBU to just put my son in smart trousers? Will he even wear the jacket for more then 2 minutes - especially in this heat?

And will I get shot if I let him wear bright blue bumper boots because there is no way I can afford shoes too?

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 14:32

Oops. Blush

Sorry for the essay....

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 14:33

Meant to say she has ordered the suit for her son. I've not ordered anything yet.

OP posts:
PoppadumPreach · 29/05/2012 14:34

if she is "insisting" on a dress code then she should fund it.

buy smart, cheap trousers, put on the waistcoat /cravat she bought and he will look gorgeous.

neolara · 29/05/2012 14:35

I thought the accepted etiquette was if the bridge / groom wants anyone to wear anything in particular, then they pick up the bill. I'm surprised you have paid for half of your own bridesmaid's outfit. I would explain to your brother and SIL that you can't afford it and then just buy the smart trousers.

GobblersKnob · 29/05/2012 14:39

Totally agree with neolara, usually if you are expected to dress a certain way then said clothes are provided for you.

Herrena · 29/05/2012 14:39

I think you need to talk it out with your STBSIL and see what can be done. If she's a reasonable person then she will understand your concerns. Don't just hope the situation goes away - you need to talk to her about it (preferably her and not your brother, so she doesn't hear it second-hand).

She might get a bit flustered as it seems quite close to the date to still be getting outfits.... however flustered-ness is to be expected from a bride so try to keep calm yourself and not take it personally.

I think if I were her I might balk at the bright blue bumper boots though!!

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 14:39

They wanted it to be a low budget wedding as they aren't exactly rollin in money. I think they are at the top end of their budget now and don't want to spend more.

However, they aren't waiting to be evicte any day now like me :(

I just don't want them to look at the photos and be disappointed he's not matching.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 14:41

I know I'm BU with the boots :(

I might look for very cheap plimsol type shoes that are at least dark.

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 29/05/2012 14:51

Just explain you don't have the money and see what she says. If he isn't a page boy due to her not wanting to spend on togging him out, I don't see he can't just have cheap smart trousers. Boots do have to go though OP.

MissFaversham · 29/05/2012 14:52

I don't see "why" of course.

rhondajean · 29/05/2012 14:52

I know it doesn't help when you have no money at all, but the supermarkets do very cheap kids shoes, Just had a look at Asda for example and they do twin strap black school shoes for boys for eight pounds.

They also have smart black school type trousers from three pounds.

But really, if you are in danger of losing your and the children's home, surely your brother and sil can understand your priorities must lie elsewhere at the moment?

Herrena · 29/05/2012 15:12

You and STBSIL might be able to find an outfit that looks 'close enough' for photos IYSWIM. How many of the wedding photos are going to have your son (and his trousers Confused as a central feature, really?

If I were her (considering your situation ATM) I'd be happy to consider cut-price clothing substitutes...

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2012 15:33

I think they're being unreasonable.
If they are having a low-budget wedding then they can't expect to move it up a notch by making others fund it.

VVU.

Ithinkitsjustme · 29/05/2012 15:41

Buy a pair of school trousers in black and possibly a school blazer to match (we paid about £12 in M&S a couple of years ago for one). They'll look close enough to pass muster. No need to spend a fortune. Explain to your SIL and DB, preferably together as it sounds like he's a bit more understanding. I think he probably needs shoes though, can't he wear his school shoes with a bit of spit and polish?

QueenEdith · 29/05/2012 15:42

It's probably too hot for a jacket (or just tell her you can't afford it).

Bright blue shies might be a bit much. I second ASDA: you can get black canvas plimmies for £2:50 and black school uniform trousers at £3:50 - £5:50ish. Can you stretch that far? For at least the shoes (which might be handy for the summer hols too).

AThingInYourLife · 29/05/2012 15:43

They are trying to make their wedding low-budget at your expense.

You should not be paying for your dress, anything for the flower girl, or any specifically requested clothes for your son.

As regards the actual question: no, you would not be unreasonable to buy you son a cheap pair of smart trousers. Buying a suit for a small boy in summer when you are skint would be unreasonable.

You probably will need to make sure he has appropriate shoes.

Although if you are worried about being evicted, shoes for a wedding are not top priority.

Inertia · 29/05/2012 15:44

If the bride wants particular outfits, she buys them . Supermarket school trousers and shoes sound ideal. Do the bride and groom know how tight things are for you ? Keeping your home is the priority.

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 15:58

I'll head out to adds tomorrow I think. They have a matalan out there too.

DS is 3 so no school shoes yet :)

I am waiting for my eviction warrent from the court so potentially have 2 weeks left. The whole timing is causing issues because my moving day may clash with the wedding. I very excited about the whole thing and honoured to be involved but I must admit its causing huge headaches for me now!

I will have a word with them both and just tell them I'm going with smart trousers and shoes ( DS won't be impressed - he loves his McQueen shoes :o)

I do understand they aren't flush either just now and they have tried to keep the whole thing modest and lovely. It's not in anyway showy. They just think that the boys will look lovely together. As do I but it's just not do able right now.

Thanks guys :)

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 29/05/2012 16:06

If she wants a certain dress code she should fund it.
I was told to dress all my girls in yellow and with yellow tiaras for sils wedding, i went against her wishes because in theory she wanted 'free' bridesmaids, she didnt even pay for her maid of honours dress but demanded that she wore purple!
Dont go short of money for someone elses 'wants'

DueinSeptember · 29/05/2012 16:11

M&S have school black trousers fairly cheap. The girls ones start at 2 for £7, so guessing boys should be similar. Is your son starting school soon? Maybe you could put them by for him.

But yes, agree with the others, if the bride wants him/you to dress a certain way, then she should pay for it. If he was able to dress in any fashion, you could buy something smart but casual in items he could wear again, but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

iago · 29/05/2012 16:11

Charlie, you are such a lovely strong person. (I read your other thread and couldn't believe how well you were dealing with a set of circumstances that would have turned me into a gibbering wreck) Have they really no idea how things are with you? FWIW my daughter has bought her bridesmaid her dress, and the bridesmaid bought the shoes as she chose a pair she wanted to wear again.

becstarsky · 29/05/2012 16:18

She is being a bit unreasonable, but she's a bride so it goes with the territory and is therefore forgiveable. Grin You are being a lovely friend. Personally I think it's only okay to ask people to pay for their own outfit if they choose it themselves with absolute freedom and no creative input from bride and groom at all, and it's something they will wear again. Otherwise the bride & groom or their families have to pay. So buying something that approximates to what she wants is very kind of you, and I'm sure she'll see it that way when it's explained to her.

blizy · 29/05/2012 16:23

Yanbu! If the bride wants certain things she should pay. I got married in November and it was on a budget, i paid for bridesmaid dresses (I got them both for £30 on gumtree). I wouldn't have dreamt to ask my bm to pay for their own outfits!

Original poster
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 29/05/2012 16:40

:) I'm glad I'm not BU then!

Well, maybe I was about the shoes but I knew that :o

iago sometimes I'm a gibbering wreck :)

I should go and update that thread actually but it's fallen off my threads I'm on list and I'll have to search it on my phone.

OP posts:
INeverFinishAnythi · 29/05/2012 19:12

I've got some lovely smart black shoes in toddler size 9 if you would like them. I was given them myself so wouldn't want anything for them, and they've only been worn twice (once by my friends DS, and once by mine) and look brand new. They're yours if you want them :)

And YANBU!