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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend constantly at my house eating

70 replies

DontWannaBeAMug · 28/05/2012 22:45

Boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away in car. On his day off he always says he'll "pop down" to see me but then expects his lunch etc too. I'm not tight but it's becomming a bit 'too' regular. Everyweek, sometimes 2/3 times a week and then he'll raid to cupboards for crisps/biscuits etc too. Not to mention the endless coffees and teas etc.
It's very rare that he invites me to his house but when he does he conveniently never has any teabags/coffee/cola etc in. No biscuits, no crisps - even though I know full well he lives off this stuff usually.
I stayed at his house last weekend and he had no coffee in despite knowing it's pretty much all I drink. He had no biscuits or anything like that in. I had to buy my own dinner from the takeaway and the next morning he asked me what I'd like for breakfast - my choice was a packet of crisps or a chocolate bar!!!

I don't begrudge anyone a coffee or a packet of crisps but I can't help feeling I'm being a bit of a mug here. He's not skint btw or living on the breadline.

We're going out tomorrow morning and he's just asked if we're having lunch at my house again.

Am I being petty?

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 28/05/2012 23:09

I would hide my food.

skybluepearl · 28/05/2012 23:10

Or sit him down and have a grown up discussion in the nicest of ways. Tell him his behavior feels very unwelcoming at his house and that you feel used when he stays at yours. Explain he isn't being fair with his take take take attitude.

MarySA · 28/05/2012 23:11

Your house sounds a nice place. When can I come round!!

jubilucket · 28/05/2012 23:19

Freeloading twunt. You've tried being nice about it, you've tried being humorous about it. I'd try a new boyfriend next.

SPsFanjoHarboursTRex · 28/05/2012 23:20

I'd put laxative in next lunch you make him. Doubt he would try again after that

letsblowthistacostand · 28/05/2012 23:22

Get. Rid. Had one like this, it extends to other areas, you'll find yourself paying his petrol or something pretty soon. Couldn't believe how much spare cash I had when I stopped seeing him.

MarySA · 28/05/2012 23:24

Don't think I'd get rid of somebody so quickly. If he treats you to meals out that's fair enough and pays his way generally that's fine. If not then I'd be worried.

skybluepearl · 28/05/2012 23:27

find out the foods he hates and only have them in the house

Angelico · 28/05/2012 23:37

This sounds like a cocklodger-in-training... Nip it in the bud now!

SkiBumMum · 28/05/2012 23:41

Sounds like my in laws

Noqontrol · 28/05/2012 23:46

Oh god, one of my exes was like this. I was completely on the bread line, every morsel of food was accounted for. He lived with his mother, had a well paid job but still used to scrounge food off me. I tried to talk about it with him but he just made a joke of it. I dumped him in the end, Completely justified when I found out he'd stopped paying rent at his mums house because he stayed at mine so much, but still wasn't putting any towards food at mine.

carernotasaint · 29/05/2012 01:00

Blimey OP are you going out with my ex. This is JUST like him. Talk about deja vu. Agree with Anjelico. Cocklodger in training and he will prob see how far he can push it and extend it to other areas. If it were me i would bin, This is part of the reason i binned my cocklodger. Not from Colchester by any chance is he?

Cathynclaire · 29/05/2012 01:40

Oh, I had an ex like this too....he was very charming and used to make jokes that my place was a weekend hotel......When he complained to my friends that I didn't butter his toast properly they told me to get rid of the bastard. He moved on to a lady that held weekly dinner parties!

OP, is your chap a musician by any chance?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2012 02:11

mine was a musician.

NicNocJnr · 29/05/2012 02:27

YANBU. May I relate a story?

Recently I had my mother on the phone, in bits due to rage and despair at her husband and contemplating the end of her marriage.
One of the most prominent reasons was financial. She's always been financially independant and actually paid far more than she should have, good city job. He wanted her to be a SAHM when my brother was born (1/2 brother but no difference to me) and she was happy to have the opportunity.
My brother died when he was 9, there were many hospital stays as he had a brain tumour and all of us took a hit financially - 11 years between us I had moved away and was working - due to the costs incurred with work, travelling and all associated things that happen (not that this was important to us at the time). When he died you can understand how deeply grief stricken we were. Her husband decreed she must go back to work immediately (like the next monday look for a job immediately), she was dumbfounded but he made out they couldn't cope financially without another wage due to the loss of my brothers DLA, carers allowance etc as he was profoundly disabled, Autistic ( ) so she felt duty bound. She coped with grief, depression and a f/t job. You can imagine how much she struggled. Recently she found out that he had been getting a yearly twenty grand from the family farm that he had concealed from her and he was putting into savings. She found it by accident. His response was fury that he was being questioned and at her hurt and feelings of betrayal. He said it was his money and not 'family' money and was being saved for retirement, even though she spent all of her wage on the 'family', so him, and ate through her savings to support them during my brother's illness and paid for his funeral etc.

I'm not saying your DP is anything worse than just a selfish freeloader but these entitled feelings can develop into things much less benign than 'just' costing you food money. They extend into lots of different areas and many women have found that they are working to support a guy that uses all of his money as pocket money and it is often a symptom of being rather entitled, selfish or having a general lack of responsibility.

Whatever you choose to do he needs to be brought to book. Once you lay down the law, and how any decent adult expects to behave to their partner without being told, then you can move forward in a much healthier way. Otherwise it will all fall to you. Good luck OP, hopefully he will listen, take it on board and it will be a lesson you taught instead of his mother. But if he leaves then you will have had a lucky escape and can find an adult to share your life with.

NicNocJnr · 29/05/2012 02:28

I in the wrong place. I know he was Autistic, I meant to at her husband's lie. Premature emote apologies,

FallenCaryatid · 29/05/2012 02:31

I thought this was going to be a thread about your daughter's boyfriend. because no sane adult would put up with this sort of selfish, greedy and parasitic behaviour.
Why are you tolerating this?

Fourlegged · 29/05/2012 03:32

Erm yea this is just the beginning

Your money is our money
His money is his money

Awful behaviour. Tell him no we won't share the takeaway, and you can ask him to pay for lunches/snacks since hd us so anal

Once he pays, dump the loser

my2centsis · 29/05/2012 05:30

I agree with hiding your food and asking to go halfs in takeaways l wonder what his reaction will be?

thestringcheesemassacre · 29/05/2012 06:14

I would get rid. Asking for £2.50. Sounds charming.

ToothbrushThief · 29/05/2012 06:17

If in a relationship you have to resort to tactics like hiding your food or 'games' to try and change someone's behaviour there is something inherently flawed about the relationship.

Either accept this will be a pattern for your future life or leave. You will not change him. You will change yourself.

Downandoutnumbered · 29/05/2012 06:57

God, get rid. Life's too short to be with someone mean. If he's financially mean he'll be mean in other ways too.

Whatmeworry · 29/05/2012 07:04

My experience is that people who are mean with money are mean in spirit in all other ways too.

HecateTrivia · 29/05/2012 07:10

You do know he's taking the piss, don't you?

It's entirely within your control whether you let him continue to take the piss or whether you don't.

HillyWallaby · 29/05/2012 07:15

I agree with skybluepearl. This has gone past the point of him being just a disorganised lazy bloke and into the 'taking the piss' category. It's like he expects you to be his mother and provide for him, practically and financially. He needs to grow up and get real or you need to walk.

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